请高人看看这个能拿多少分？

以前没怎莫仔细写过topic,所以，不要见笑~~

topic:in some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. do u think this is a good idea?

我写的：

Teenagers have jobs while they are still students in some countries. some people think that teenagers should not go to work when they were very young; but i disagree eith this opinion.I will line the reasons below.

At first, teenagers will get working experiences during they are doing a job. Working experiences are very important when teenagers graduated from school, because there are no business orgnizations would like to hire a rookie who has not any working experiences. The training of part time jobs will help students get more experiences than others who did not do part time jobs.

At second,part time jobs makes students become responsible people . They will feel the responsibilities on their shoulder when they were doing a job, and they will learn how to finish their job completely, it will affect students' whole life.

At last,  teenagers will feel the joy of success when they finished their job. The feel of joy will encouraged teenagers , and teach them that how much they paid, how much they will earn.

Although teenagers doing volunteer jobs is illegal in many countries, i still believed that teenagers should have some limited time to do some jobs. it is a very important process to become a successful person when they graduated from school.

唉，好长时间没好好写过东西了，很多词都忘了，不过偶确实急需提高一下，希望别笑话偶，多多指点一下~~感激不尽

首先声明,我不是牛人,大家讨论研究而已

句子太过平淡

有少量的语法错误,亦有一些句子表达不通顺如下

eith,

I will line the reasons below-----line--list

At first, teenagers will get working experiences during they are doing a job

Working experiences are very important when teenagers graduated from school

there are no business orgnizations would like to hire a rookie who has not any working experiences

The training of part time jobs will help students get more experiences than others who did not do part time jobs

part time jobs makes students become responsible people

when they graduated from school

懒得一条条解释了,自己试试找一下错误,找不出来,我再来补充吧

如有错误,请指正

知道了，看来要多加料

第一篇作文写太少了。可以每段举例子，让文章丰满起来。。

参考“粟米作文经验”

正在找错误，谢指正

参考莫板又写了一篇，大家在指导指导阿！！拜托~~

Do u agree or disagree with that people should sometimes do things that they do not enjoy doing.

After pondering this question carefully, i finally make my decision that people should do something that they dislike to do is advisable. My arguments will be listed as follow.

Sometimes people must do something unwilling, if they do not do that, the result will become very harmful. For example, almost everybody agrees with that lying to their friends is unwise, but if your friend ask your opinion about their haircut which you really dislike, it would be very unkind to tell them the truth that you think it is awful; Tell a lie that it is wonderful will not be harmful in this case.

Sometimes reality also force people to do some jobs that they dislike. I think there are no one on the world would like to be a street cleaner when he first born; however, society need some people to do this inconspicuous job. If one day there are no cleaners collect our trash, can you imagine how awful the world will become?

In conclusion, we do have the freedom to do everything unforced, but this world is not belong to only you or me. It means we must do everything suitable for their situation, although sometimes you are not enjoy to do them.

一点意见, 提出来参考.

1. 语法一定要注意, 最后一定要再检查一遍, 否则很容易失分.

2. 用字和句子要有变化, 不要只是几个相同的单词和句子在重复使用, 这样才能拿高分.

3. 最重要的一点, 千万不要在结尾部分离题或结外生枝, 这是大忌, 结尾部分是评分者肯定会阅读的地方, 结尾部分处理不好, 离题, 或结外生枝, 肯定分数不会高.

不过, 经过持续的练习和贴出来, 大家一起讨论, 修正错误的部分, 你的作文一定会大大改善.

祝福你.

偶明白.....8果偶都不想就几个单词翻来覆去的用，但是范文以前实在没看过，词汇量又跟不大上，想一个要很长时间。。。而且很害怕万一用错了起反作用。。。

whatever谢指点跟鼓励~~