求各位大牛帮忙改一下这一片拙文

sailing0831 · 发表于 2010-10-12 22:54:30

“It is unrealistic to expect individual nations to make, independently, the sacrifices necessary to conserve energy. International leadership and worldwide cooperation are essential if we expect to protect the world’s energy resources for future generations.”Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the opinion stated above. Support your views with reasons and/or examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.

To conserve the energy is the worldwide issue today. However, individual nations have been responsible for their own problem without a valid cooperation of international alliance.

It is necessary for each country to make effort to solve its domestic problem, because firstly local governors have access to the source which might be useful. Being familiar to the history makes them able to trace the origin of the problem and could come up with the best approach to modify the root. In addition, it is more convenient to investigate, operate and supervise the whole project for the local team than for the others. Moreover, people tend to care most about the situation they live in person, their own nature resources could provide motive power to the citizens to dedicate themselves to this self regard program. It is reasonable and logical to start with separate part to solve a problem.

However, the great power of international cooperation could never be ignored. With the development of international trade, protecting nature resources become a global topic. It is difficult for an individual nation to control the resources since most resources usually be sold from one country to another country as business products. The multinational corporations play important roles in this kind of process. Only if all the nations reach a unique mission about the global nature treasure could make this project successful. What is more, a leader country is a critical factor of the success of this project. To run a global program, fairness and peace is the fundamental principle to insist on. Therefore, a leader country that coordinate and integrate all the countries is needed, with which each country would be clear about what to do, what is the goal, what is the deadline, and ensure the whole task could be implemented efficiently and fairly.

OPEC is an excellent example of such an international alliance to deal with problems about the global nature resources. The Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries is an international organization of eleven developing countries that are heavily reliant on oil revenues as their main source of income. Since oil revenues are so vital for the economic development of these nations, they aim to bring stability and harmony to the oil market by adjusting their oil output to help ensure a balance between supply and demand. In the long run, the stabilized out-put helps to cease the problem of over-refining and over utilization of oil energy.

In conclusion, energy conservation requires not only every nation’s effort separately, which produce the basic item of the final jigsaw, but also the cooperation of all the countries together, which just like the man who recognize every item and put it on the right place.

OPEC那一段不是原创是我背的例子……

跪求各位大牛评估一下这个文章还有能把错的地方指出最好能提供一些更好的说法……跪谢跪谢！

sailing0831 · 发表于 2010-10-13 09:22:08

自己顶……牛牛快出现……迫切需要大家提意见啊！！！

sailing0831 · 发表于 2010-10-13 17:35:52

顶啊顶啊顶啊不要没有人来改啊…… 改的好我出钱还不行么！

sailing0831 · 发表于 2010-10-14 21:39:51

还是没有人改么！有这么不可救药么！如果有的话不改告诉我也可以啊！

larrybird · 发表于 2010-10-15 00:59:43

1. try to improve the intro, to present your opinions
try to use noun phrase to begin with--> To conserve the energy is the worldwide issue today.
2. try to use standard sentence formats
3. idioms
4. subj-verb agreement and verb tense
5. remember the KISS (keep it simple and short), sentences need to be meaningful and concise (be careful when you use modifiers and pronouns, especially in those long sentences)
6. reaffirm your points in the conclusion

sailing0831 · 发表于 2010-10-15 11:05:32

1. try to improve the intro, to present your opinions
try to use noun phrase to begin with--> To conserve the energy is the worldwide issue today.
2. try to use standard sentence formats
3. idioms
4. subj-verb agreement and verb tense
5. remember the KISS (keep it simple and short), sentences need to be meaningful and concise (be careful when you use modifiers and pronouns, especially in those long sentences)
6. reaffirm your points in the conclusion

-- by 会员 larrybird (2010/10/15 0:59:43)

谢谢大牛啊……关于idioms可以具体指出一些错误么……

求各位大牛帮忙改一下这一片拙文

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