小弟的第三篇作文,nn们看看能给几分?

客观评价,不用给考虑俺本已对写作很受伤的心.........

多谢各路nn们....

Choosing which college or university to go for further study is  a crucial decision for young student .Some prefer to stay in a city near their home so they could go home frequently to enjoy the delicious meals made by their parents, others may choose a college abroad cause they like the life to live along and the new sourrandings and culture overseas. Study abroad may improve their understanding about language , culture, etc.

Moving into a new place directly and study in a college there may broaden your sight in all kinds of areas. For example, after one year’s  study in a college in Canada ,one of my friend learned a lot about their foods, architecture, history and many other interesting stuff.All of these may help improve his understanding of that country. One can not fully understand the culture of another place just through books or internet , For this reason , moving to a new country to go to a school is of great importance for students who want to learn more about the international relations.

Another benefit of study abroad is that one can promote his/her language capability fast.Here is a characteristic example , One time a high school classmate came back from Canada to have a get-together with us, we were all shocked and felt amazing after she introduced her life in Canada in English . Compared with her English skills before she left , it’s really hard to believe how she achieve those progress in one year.

The last reason ,for some students who want to study some special subject like marine biology , near the sea is essential condition for the college . Also some students want to learn in the best subject like the Law , so they are more likely to go to the Harvard
            University in America because of its Law institute is the most famous in the world.

So, I believe study abroad and learn more about international relations ,improve foreign language ability and do some research in some special program will make the students feel more interesting. While there are a great many excellent reasons about learning in one’s home country , studying abroad can offer many new and exciting experiences.

LZ~~看了你的作文，能感觉出一些问题，但是要说具体怎么改，感觉改起来好难啊，因为这个句子的写作构成写作习惯很不同。感觉读着读着就忘记我自己写句子的习惯了，是在是不好改~我改了几个小点，以备您参考哈~~建议背背NCE~好东东~
    

Choosing which college or university to go for further study is  a crucial decision for young student .Some prefer to stay in a city near their home （city 和 their home的逻辑关系混乱，你是不是想说大学是在他们家所在的城市啊？）so they could go home frequently to enjoy the delicious meals made by their parents, others may choose a college abroad cause they like the life to live along（life lived alone) and the new sourrandings and culture overseas（这几个and用的很罗嗦啊）. Study abroad may improve their understanding about language , culture, etc. （这个观点表达的太愣了，这个模板肯定不是这么说的。Personally, I prefer..  since A  B  C ）

Moving into a new place directly(这个词用的不恰当，directly 的英文解释是  in a direct line or manner; straight) and study(ing) in a college there may broaden your （one's比your好）sight in all kinds of areas. For example, after one year’s  study in a college in Canada ,one of my friends learned a lot about their( 表意不明确 foreign） foods, architecture, history and many other interesting stuff.All of these may（are very probably) help improve his understanding of that country. One can not fully understand (重复适用这个词  ）the culture of another place just through books or internet , For this reason , moving to a new country to go to a school is of great importance for students who want to learn more about the international relations.

Another benefit of study abroad is that one can promote his/her language capability fast.Here is a characteristic example , One time a high school classmate came back from Canada to have a get-together with us, we were all shocked and felt amazing （这个amazing用的不对，we were amazed, 是her introduce in English才是 amazing）after she introduced her life in Canada in English . Compared with her English skills before she left , it’s really hard to believe how she achieve those progress in one year.

The last reason ,for some students who want to study some special subject like marine biology , near the sea is essential condition for the college . Also some students want to learn in the best subject like the Law , so they are more likely to go to the Harvard
            University in America because of its Law institute is the most famous in the world.

So, I believe study abroad and learn more about international relations ,improve foreign language ability and do some research in some special program will make the students feel more interesting. While there are a great many excellent reasons about learning in one’s home country , studying abroad can offer many new and exciting experiences.

看完了，感觉论证的比较weak，不知道研究过模板没有哈~

一般是要 main idea+论证+example，你基本都少了论证这个过程，提出观点以后，要让别人看出来你的观点是有用，并且有这个必要性坚持的，需要有力的论证啊，个人感觉这个是个致命伤。理由大小无所谓，要说的有道理才可以。

感觉论证+example就是个整体论述+个例的过程~

个人之见，仅供参考~~有不同意见，欢迎拍砖~

Choosing which college or university to go for further study is  a crucial decision for young student(s) .Some prefer to stay in a city near their home (s) so they could go(return) home frequently to enjoy the delicious meals made by their parents, (whereas) others may choose a college abroad cause they like the life(lives) to live along(alone) and the new sourrandings and cultures overseas. Study(ing) abroad may improve their understanding about(on) languages , cultures, etc(and so on).

Moving into a new place directly and study(ing) in a college there may broaden your sight in all kinds of areas. For example, after one year’s  study(ing) in a (Canadian) college in Canada ,one of my friend(s) learned(created a better comprehension on) a lot about their foods, architecture(s), history and many other interesting stuff(aspects).All of these may help improve his understanding of that country. One can not fully understand the culture of another place just through books or internet , For this reason(In the accordance to that) , moving to a new country to go to(attend) a school is of great importance for students who want to learn more about the international relations.

Another benefit of study(ing) abroad is that one can promote(consummate) his/her language capability fast.Here is a characteristic example , One time a high school classmate came back from Canada to have a get-together(Re-union) with us, we were all shocked and felt amazing(amazed) after she introduced her life in Canada in(with) English . Compared with her English skills before she left , it’s really hard to believe how she achieve(d) those progress in(within) one year.

The last reason(Last nut not least) ,for some students who want to study some special subject(s) like marine biology , near the sea is (a) essential condition for(to select) the college . Also some students want to learn in the best subject(s) like the Law , so they are more likely to go to the Harvard
            University in America(the States) because of its Law institute(s) is(are) the most famous in the world.

So(Therefore), I (do) believe that study(ing) abroad and learn more about international relations ,improve(ing) foreign language ability(abilities) and do(ing) some research in some special program(s) will make the students feel more interesting. While there are a great many excellent(rational) reasons to advocate learning in one’s home country , studying abroad can offer many new and exciting experiences.

Total Score:20/30

comment: 我改了一些地方，我自己写作水品应该还可以，在美国生活过几年。你一定要注意语法上的单复数还有就是动词的形式，问题很多。 还有就是要尽量去用一些高级词汇代替低级词汇。本文除了Crucial我似乎就没有再看见什么高级词汇了。还有就是证据的说服力不够。最后要注意一个词的多次重复使用是要尽量避免的。

NCE=new concept english（新概念英语） 

Based on plausibility

Choosing which college or university to go for further study is  a crucial decision for young student(s) .(it is too abrupt to start with such a sentence, you better switch it w/ 2nd)Some prefer to stay in a city near their home (s) (try to use vicinity) so they could go(return) home frequently to enjoy the delicious meals made by their parents (try to use homesickness), (whereas) others may choose a college abroad (study abroad) cause (this is very informal) they like the life(lives) to live along(alone) (choose other sophisticated words like 'enjoy their quality time of staying alone or' being independent) and the new sourrandings and cultures overseas (this is too farfetched. try to use 2 xamples only). Study(ing) abroad may improve their understanding about(on)(of) languages , cultures, etc(and so on). (please be detailed, otherwise leave that out. because you will say hi-tec in the fourth paragraph, please DO use hitec rather than etc/and so on, otherwise you make nonsense to readers)

Moving into (to)a new place directly and study(ing) in a college (please be condense: studying in a new place)there may broaden your sight (broaden your vision / enrich your sight)in all kinds of areas (plz be condense: all areas). For example, after one year’s  study(ing) in a (Canadian) college in Canada ,one of my friend(s) learned(created a better comprehension on) (you better make the structure more convincing: my friend XXX spent one year studying XXX in a can college, and he.....; cos you use 'for example at the begining, i want to see the subject "my friend immediately) a lot about their foods, architecture(s), history and many other interesting stuff(aspects). (in most cases using 2 examples is enough, don't overpass 3)All of these may help improve his understanding of that country. One can not fully understand the culture of another place (try to be condense)just through(from) books or internet  , For this reason(In the accordance to that) , moving to a new country to go to(attend) a school is of great importance for students who want to learn more about the international relations(you are diverting to int. relations, no good). (plz balance the sentence, otherwise i get strange feeling. plz note the point is always at the end of a sentence, so i d like to go this way: for students who want to learn an exotic culture, studying ..... is of great importance.) (overall this paragraph is above average)

Another benefit of study(ing) abroad (to informal) is that one can promote(consummate) his/her language capability fast (unbalanced anyway. a balanced sentence should be: one can make a fast development of language capability).Here is a characteristic example (to informal), One time(to informal) a high school classmate (be detailed)came back from Canada to have a get-together(Re-union) with us, we were all shocked and felt amazing(amazed) after she introduced her life in Canada in(with) English . Compared with her English skills before she left (to informal), it’s really hard to believe how she achieve(d) those progress in(within) one year. (add a within-paragraph conclusion)

The last reason(to informal)(Last nut not least) , (i wanna see a subject right away)for some students who want to study some special subject(s) like marine biology , near the sea is (a) essential condition for(to select) the college (yu'r switching the suject from 'student, which is in the prefixed sentence, to 'near the sea which is for the main sentence. it is risky to use this structure in a written composition although it is literally okay. it'll deteriorate your logic fluency). Also some students want to learn in the best subject(s) like the Law (to formal. if you mention the subject, plz use law only), so they are more likely to go to the Harvard
            University in America(the States) because of its Law institute(s) is(are) the most famous in the world (this is not a good example though. i don't want to debate the reputation of harvard law school because that is not my field, but obviosly americans know that very well, including toefl graders. So if you exemplify that on the wrong basis, your impression will be poor and your grade'll be affected. Further, it is obvious that law attracts students for other reasons than 'the best. And, there is no criterion for 'best though). (and you are distracting from your main point in this case it is marine biology)

So(Therefore), I (do) believe that study(ing) abroad and learn more about international relations (not on the point),improve(ing) foreign language ability(abilities) and do(ing) some research in some special program(s) (not on the point), will make the students feel more interesting. While there are a great many excellent(rational) reasons to advocate learning in one’s home country (not on the point), studying abroad can offer many new and exciting experiences.