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With our world developing faster and faster currently, science basic subjects seem to be much more crucial in our life. Nowadays(never ever use the word ‘Nowadays’.晕,不要再用nowadays了.), plenty of(plenty of用来形容不可数,我建议你用many/a multitude of)
us may hold the opinion that it should be required for all the students to learn these science tasks no matter what their major are. But others, on the contrary, have a negative attitude(我划线的句子完全是没有必要的废话,删去). As far as I am concerned, I agree with(as far as I am concerned和in my opinion这类的词就是表明你的观点的,后面不接I agree with, I think这类的语言.直接就应该是As far as I am concerned, it is necessary for every student to know some basic things about science.) that it is necessary for every student to know some basic things about science. And my reasons are as follows.
One of the primary causes(为什么用cause呢?) is that learning science basic subjects can not only help us to deal with our own majors, but more importantly(not only和but also是并列的结构,所以不要说but more importantly,这样是不符合规则的,你应该说:learning science basic subjects can not only enable us to deal with our own majors in an improved way but also help us develop a better sense of acumen in our daily life.), it provides us a better sense of acumen in our daily life since there is an old saying that “Knowledge is power“. That is to say, if one is equipped with knowledge in any other field(fields), especially in science, besides his or her individual study, he or she may be much more powerful than peers.(人家看完你这句,会疑惑why?你需要对你的这个理由进行阐述,namely, why knowledge of different fields strengthen one’s competitive power.) By way of illustration, one of my cousins, Aaron, who is really interested in literature and wants to be a poet during his entire life, is also an expert in Physics. He always helps people to solve a great deal of basic Physics problems such as repairing the route of electricity and so on(your example is too abstract to be true). As a result, everyone around him shows great respect on him. (你需要将该段的论述和TOPIC结合得更紧密)
Another reason why I agree with the above statement is that science, of course, is always a skill for us to adapt the society we are going to work and live in more radically. No one can deny that people will never admire a person who only knows plenty of boring stuff of his or her own interests(As no doubt, no one would worship those who limit their knowledge and interest to a pathetically small circle. Science basic knowledge, because of its relationship with miscellaneous fields of knowledge or expertise, can enlarge one’s circle of knowledge and simultaneously help one develop some habits.). They may prefer to chat with people who have a variety of exactly helpful things in their mind. Knowing about basic science tasks makes you humorous, attractive and charming(Why will it make one attractive and humorous?论述分what, why, how. What就是你的理由, why就是对这个理由的阐述, how就是example来证明how the ‘what’ you have mentioned serves.在一个well developed的段落里边,三者缺一不可.你的这段论述,只有一个what.而且,你以后论述东西,都要和题目紧密结合,我在你2段的论述中看不到任何与题目结合的东西.).
Taking account of all these factors(factors above就可以了.all these感觉太多,而实际上你只mention了2个), we may easily reach the conclusion that science basic study do makes(make) us benefit from it as what I insist at the beginning. Should all the students be required to learn it even if their major does not include it? The answer is obvious-ABSOLUTELY!
论述需要和TOPIC联系紧密. 最近改了3篇文章,问题都是论述和TOPIC不紧密,大家需要引以为戒. | 
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发表于 2007-8-17 17:14:00
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