麻烦德克给拍一下啦~~马上就考了~感激不尽(已修改)

music is important那个题~

Music works with our emotions, and helps us to deal with the highs and lows of life. Musicians come from all walks of life and express their experiences, so that they may be shared with their community or even the world. From my perspective, music is an indispensability component of our life.

As the citizens dwelled in metropolitan cities are promising to catch up with the high pace of our society, they tend to feel exhausted and undergo a great deal of pressure that comes from various directions, including work, school, and so forth. Pressure is detrimental rather than instrumental and has been one of the biggest enemies. A myriad of people have already suffer the inferior health conditions, they tend to be overweight and anxious. Experts confirm that it is hard to find an ailment that cannot trace in some way to pressure.  Consequently, to keep healthy and work efficiently, an increasing proportion of people have no alternative but to pursue different kinds of ways in order to escape pressure and feel cozy. Music is one of superb solution.

   I will set my own experience as an example. I definitely suppose music is the source of happiness. When I come back home after a whole day of studying, I struggle for relief. When I turn on my CD player, then it comes out a piece of music by my favorite composer Beethoven. At that moment, I found myself totally involved in the music and my heart begins to fly within the peaceful music. I feel soothing and joyful indeed. What's more, sometimes I find myself is eager to express my sorrow, my excitement through music. It is extremely marvelous, for a piece of music will bring me into a world of my own feelings. When I hear the piano concertos, like the G major key dancing piece, I will imagine I am dancing with a handsome boy I prefer. Otherwise when I hear the voice of cello, I will lose myself in deeply grief with no better reasons. How magic the sound may be. When I hear a violin, I will imagine the serene sky full of sunshine. On no account these sound of instrument inspire my creation and motivation towards life. I believe this is the best example to illustrate why I love music.

Furthermore, statistical evidence has pointed out that music is one of the efficient ways to heal patients' disease, because people will feel jovial when they listen to the sound and voice which they in favor of. And happiness is the best feeling for every people. The more feelings of happiness they obtain, the more releasing they may sense.

自己顶一下~~

麻烦德克给点意见~俺25号就上战场啦~~~

Music works with our emotions, and helps us to deal with(用cope with不错,它的意思是deal with sth successfully) the highs and lows of life. Musicians come from all walks of life and express their experiences in the form of melodies so that they may be shared with their community or even the world(划线部分是什么意思?). From my perspective, music is an indispensability(应该是adj形式indispensable) component of our life.

I would like to mention a current situation which, I believe, will suffice to clarify the importance of music. As the citizens dwell in metropolitan cities are promising(promising?你显然没有理解该词的意思,这里最好用obliged) to catch up with(follow) the high(high speed, fast pace.不要用混淆了) pace of our society, they tend(tend有一种主观的感觉,而这里肯定不是他们自愿感觉精疲力竭,所以,应该是are most likely) to feel exhausted and undergo a great deal of(用intense来形容pressure或者stress比较好) pressure that comes from(resulted from)
                various directions(many ways), say, work, school, and so forth. Pressure is detrimental rather than instrumental and has been one of the biggest enemies(why is pressure an enemy? 如果你不阐释why,就不要这么说). Myriads of people have already suffered the inferior health conditions, they tend to be overweight and anxious. Experts confirm that it is hard to find an ailment that cannot trace in some way to pressure(这样的表达不好,太纠结,烦,你就说:Experts claim that miscellaneous of ailments are, more or less, related to pressure currently.).  Consequently, to stay healthy and work efficiently, an increasing proportion of people have no alternative but to pursue different kinds of ways in the hope of escaping/releasing pressure and feel cozy(好词.). Music is one of superb solution.(因为你这段一直没有提到music,而用大量的篇幅提供的一个背景,所以,你的开头的一句很有必要说明你该段的作用,不然读者就会觉得confused-毕竟你整段都没有提及music.所以我给你添加了第一句)

I will set my own experience as an example. I definitely suppose music is the source of happiness. When I come back home after a whole day of studying, I struggle for relief(我挣扎着想要放松?我觉得struggle欠妥,你可以说:I am in the thirst of a relief.). Then I turn on my CD player and from it comes out a piece of music(如果你可以把名字写出来,就完美了) by my favorite composer Beethoven. At that(this) moment, I found(为了保持世态的一致,这里应该是find) myself totally involved in the music and my heart begins to fly within the peaceful music. I feel soothing and joyful indeed. What is more, sometimes I find myself is eager to express(relieve) my sorrow, my excitement through music. It is extremely marvelous, for a piece of music will bring me into a world of my own feelings. When I hear the piano concertos, like the G major key dancing piece, I will imagine I am dancing with a handsome boy I prefer(my beloved boy). Otherwise when I hear(immerse myself in) the voice of cello, I will lose myself in deeply grief with no better(unutterable,无法言传的) reasons. How magical the sound may(could) be. When I hear a violin, I will imagine the serene blue sky which does not point to a bluer
                full of(saturated with) sunshine. On no account these sound of instrument inspire my creation and motivation towards life. I believe this is the best example to illustrate why I love music.(最好还说一句:我的压力完全得到了解放.我又能量充沛了.)

Furthermore, statistical evidence has pointed out that music is one of the efficient ways(way可以用avenue替换) to heal patients' disease, because people will feel jovial when they listen to the sound and voice which they are in favor of. And happiness is the best feeling for every people. The more feelings of happiness they obtain, the more releasing they may sense.

Music is also instrumental in communicating with friends. At different ages we develop tastes for different types of music. We may feel as one matures we may appreciate more complicated themes, styles in our expression. I would like to talk with my best friend Jane about a piece of music which will recall our memories or influence us a lot. 

恩,讨论得很充分.

我很喜欢你论述的方式,还是很具体的.

总体还是一篇好作文,有内容

但是语言还需要提升一下

啊,真的很惊喜也很感动看到德克给我改文章...

毕竟是高手呀...指教的全在点子上并且都是我忽略了的...

看了IBT版里德克的帖子和其他改的那些,真的觉得受益匪浅...

谢谢德克啊!