难道没有人愿意帮忙改作文吗？这是第三篇了 TWE33

33，
                You have received a gift of money. The money is enough to buy either a piece of jewelry you like or tickets to a concert you want to attend. Which would you buy?

Upon to this question that which subject to buy, a piece of jewelry or tickets to a concert with a gift of money, people have different opinions. At first sight, it seems a difficult decision for me. However, after further serious contemplation, I will say I prefer tickets to a concert, because from a concert I can get something unusual. These are friendship, love of art, and relief.

The first reason why I want to buy tickets to a concert is that my best friend has been expecting to attend his favorite jazz singer’s concert, but the ticket is too expensive for him to afford. With the gift of money, I’d like to invite him to go to the concert together. No doubt we’ll enjoy the surroundings where fine music is around us. This special experience will enhance our friendship and we’ll never forget this wonderful moment forever.

In addition, listening to concert can cultivate my love of art. A saying has it that nothing can be learned well without experiencing it in person. Therefore, I want to grasp this chance to taste the feeling of jazz songs on the spot. Through this, I would be attracted by the artists’ fascinating masterpieces and impressive scene effect in the concert. Undoubtedly my love of art will be inspired once again.

Furthermore, art like wonderful music is helpful for me to relieve tiredness and free from anxiety while a piece of jewelry is only a subject which can’t bring me any mental enjoyment. The straightforward example is that every time I feel worried, I’ll listen to some gentle music and it is always be able to relax myself much. Consider this situation that when I am worried about some troublesome things, which action will be useful to let me feel peaceful, going to a concert or gazing at a piece of jewelry? The answer is obvious.

All in all, from what has been discussed above, I draw the conclusion that I would buy tickets to a concert with a gift of money although a piece of jewelry is also in some extent attractive to me. This is because, as I have mentioned, that I can help my buddy, activate my love of art and relax myself by doing so.

Good!

但是建议用从句的时候把that加上！这样更formal些

It is a two-way work. I used to do it for friends in this area. But busy with MBA study now.

Why not start with go through other people's articles in this area and help each other?

I am afraid of proofreading your essay, because you have written so wonderful. You did a good job! Waiting for your good news!