我的自荐信,大家帮忙改改 急急急~~~

我是申请本科的,可是学校让我填个表格上面的问题很像申请MBA的推荐信,所以就放到这里来了,请大家帮忙改改.谢谢大家了.

What qualities do you have that would make you successful in the Bachelor of Commerce program? (200 words max.)

I have good communication skills, people always feel relaxed and happy beside me because my humor. In me, you will see an optimistic and easy-going character.  I often participated in varieties of activities contributing a great deal to community affairs and having good performance in all subjects of my studies.

Describe and evaluate one experience that significantly influenced your academic goals. (200 words max.)

I worked as a  sales clerk in a chemistry company in my hometown for several months after graduated from senior high school. This is my first work experience , I worked in the trading section with lots of people who are expert in marketing. From these months, I find myself is interested in commerce and I understand commerce deeply.

Please include any additional information about yourself that you would like the Admissions Committee to consider when reviewing your application. (500 words max.)

With highly determination, I am not to be daunted by any difficulties. I believe that, if give me an opportunity, I can do the best and with hard work, I can achieve the goal I want. I have broad interests, which include art, music , photography, etc. A  helpful, reliable person which takes me  a lot of friends . I always share happiness with others and help them solve the problems  In my view, practice is the most important thing to study and learn something, it takes us more chance to discuss and communicate with others. Thus, it is a indispensable part in my academic study.   

帮忙顶，水滴石穿MM在T区很辛苦的，大家多帮忙哈。。。

From these moths 是说什么呢？笔误，改成months好像意思也有些不确切。。。

加油！

我是申请本科的,可是学校让我填个表格上面的问题很像申请MBA的推荐信,所以就放到这里来了,请大家帮忙改改.谢谢大家了.

What qualities do you have that would make you successful in the Bachelor of Commerce program? (200 words max.)

I have good communication skills, people always feel relaxed and happy beside me because my humor. In me, you will see an optimistic and easy-going character.  I often participated in varieties of activities contributing a great deal to community affairs and having good performance in all subjects of my studies.

--这里写一些你的一些优点，这些优点和你所了解的这个商科学位的要求正好是契合的，或者和这个学校的精神所契合也行啊，因此这些优点能帮你完成你的学业，如果在一些工作或者实践中你体验到了这些优点的重要性，那也不错。good communication skills算一个，再想想有没有别的。

Describe and evaluate one experience that significantly influenced your academic goals. (200 words max.)

I had a work experience in a chemistry company in my hometown for several months after graduated from senior high school. This is my first work experience , I worked in the trading section with lots of people who are expert in marketing. From these moths, I find myself is interested in commerce and I understand commerce deeply.

这段楼主要写工作的话，最好第一句话最好马上就expose你的职位，第二句话说描述一下你这个职位的Job description,第三句话说一下你从中学到了什么从而影响你对职业的定位从而选择了商科的bachelor。还有空余的单词的话就再总结一下。第一句话一定要突出，让老美知道你干了些啥。

Please include any additional information about yourself that you would like the Admissions Committee to consider when reviewing your application. (500 words max.)

With highly determination, I am not to be daunted by any difficulties. I believe that, if give me an opportunity, I can do the best and with hard work, I can achieve the goal I want. I have broad interests, which include art, music , photography, etc. A  helpful, reliable person which takes me  a lot of friends . I always share happiness with others and help them solve the problems  In my view, practice is the most important thing to study and learn something, it takes us more chance to discuss and communicate with others. Thus, it is a indispensable part in my academic study.   

这里是写一些你能给学校带来什么贡献，这应该是这段的重点，你能给学校带来的贡献，就是 Admissions Committee 应该在录取你的时候应该consider的。突出你自己的unique，想吧，狂想，死也要想一点出来。或者你拿过什么奖，全国性的或者地区性的，或者你lead 过一个team。

我觉的你申请的是商科的学位，楼主可以把第二个问题里的内容展开一下，但是由于有500个字要写，所以再写点自己的特殊的东西，仅归你自己所有的东西，比如你爬过什么雪山，徒步访问过中国33个省，或者你在社区活动，社会公益事业中踊跃参加，或者你曾经干过一件非常自豪的事情，比如写过信给英国首相，呵呵。。。。。。总之就是两条第一部分商科的内容扩展，第二部分想出点自己的unique point

PS：

我没写过这样的自荐，只是根据自己的理解八卦的胡思乱想了一下，大家跟着补充，有不对的大家批评不要扔砖头

祝楼主好运！！！

Too many grammar errors. I think that you organize your thoughts in Chinese and translate them to English.

Sorry for such harsh comments. Better start over.

gonghao, nice job!

To: shuidishichuan

Why not use "WORD"?

汗~~~~~~~~~本人的英语实在不能跟你们比,是太差了.自己写的自己不容易发现错误,大家帮忙指出来.谢谢大家了.

拼错了.已经改掉了.是不是FROM THESE MONTHS 有语法错误啊?

It is easy to pick up the grammar bug but not the expression one.

Forget about Chinese. Think in English and write in English.

1.I have good communication skills, people always feel relaxed and happy beside me because my humor    改because of

2.In me, you will see an optimistic and easy-going character。这句好像有大问题，重新组织一下sb is characterized with 或者 就sb is .........girl as well.如何？

3. I often participated in varieties of activities contributing a great deal to community affairs and having good performance in all subjects of my studies。

用sb do sth frequently and contribute a lot to community affairs and meanwhile I've done good performance in all my subjects

4.I worked as a  sales clerk in a chemistry company in my hometown for several months after graduated from senior high school.突出职位好多了。但用WORK 有问题的，像是你工作了高中毕业后。还是用got a chance to be a sales clerk which is a internship position比较好，确定一下具体时间，具体数字，然后再组织一下。另外是salesman还是sales clerk ？确定一下

5.This is my first work experience , I worked in the trading section with lots of people who are expert in marketing.改：first job就行了。 in the trading section要表达什么？你要工作的部门嘛？还是你的工作性质？部门的话就加上DEPARTMENT 然后加上定语从句描述你的主要的工作性质。

6.From these months, I find myself is interested in commerce and I understand commerce deeply.

>I found that I'm gotting interesting in commerce little by little and I learned a lot about commerce from my first job.And such working experience makes me know about commerce much deeper than usual>

>7.With highly determination, I am not to be daunted by any difficulties>

>I wouldn't have been daunted by ......虚拟一下吧，建议。>

>8.I believe that, if give me an opportunity, I can do the best and with hard work, I can achieve the goal I want。>

>t>hat后不加逗号的吧，直接加句子的吧。就改成Given opportunities，I believe that I would try my best to achieve the goal and work harder than ever.怎么听上去很假？？？呵呵

9.I have broad interests, which include art, music , photography, etc

改成, I have wide range of interests from .....to...and .... also ,etc

10.A  helpful, reliable person which takes me  a lot of friends 这句话什么意思？要表达什么？person后面怎么是which？我胡改一下，I make a lot of friends with...... 或者I'm a .....person and that helps me make a lot of.....或者

11。In my view, practice is the most important thing to study and learn something就and learing 就完了，最多再加一句especially my future study programm in your school as well

.In my view, practice is the most important thing to study and learning especially my future study programm in your school as well.

12. it takes us more chance to discuss and communicate with others这要表达什么？practice give us more chances to discuss and communicate with others???这句就不要了吧，看着怪怪的。

7～12点，楼主最好再改改，感觉有点偏题，尽写一些自身优点了，显的比较空，不如一件事情，且从中你学到了一个东西，这个东西对你未来的学习是非常重要的，给老美的东西还是实成一点好，最好有多一点的数字，量化一下比较好