AIA03 欢迎修改my first issue essay

AIA3. “Government should place stricter limits on the ability of businesses to invade citizens’ privacy through telemarketing, E-mail, advertising, collection of personal information on consumers, and so on, even if those limits affect businesses’ profitability and competitiveness.”

Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the opinion stated above. Support your position with reasons and/or examples from your experience, observations, or reading. 政府是否应当更加严格限制企业通过各种渠道获取顾客的私人信息。

When people enter into information age in a highly advanced commercial world today, business tends to invade pepole’s personal life through telemarketing, E-mail, advertising, and collection of personal information on consumers to an unprecedented extent. People are exposed to tons of business information which is regraded as noise, through all kinds of media channels. At the same time, personal information is hunted and used as commercial data by companies in their business activities, and even sometimes, consumer personal information is shared or sold among companies. Thus a serious issue is raised---- How to protect and guarantee consumer’s citizen rights? Government should place stricter limits on the ability of businesses to invade citizens’ privacy, even those limits affect businesses’ profitability and competitiveness. This essay will examine this matter case by case.

In the first place, a vast amount of business information disturbs people’s personal life very much, the mess status which should be interfered through legislation mechanism by government as market mechanisam can not adjust the business information invasion. All kinds of business organizations regard mass communication as the most effective competition method, and even sometimes as the only successful solution to win more consumers. Hence, companies prefer to make use of mass communication strategy, to deliver amounts of business information by various media channels to develop or mold consumers’ favor to their products, to defend rival’s commercial activities, and to weaken ‘noise’ from competitors. Then consumers are forced to face such information in all kinds of situations, even in their private lives. For example, in 2004 about 20% citizens in USA get over 30 commercial junck e-mails everyday. (我杜撰的) People spend a lot of time and money on avoiding these junk mails invasion. Therefore, commercial information invasion damages consumers’ citizen rights, and it continues to extend and exaggerate as commercial competition turns out to be increasingly intense today. It is obvious that government would have to forbid business information communications to invade people personal lives.

Moreover, the collection of personal information on consumers will threaten consumer privacy and financial security. This problem becomes very prominent as credit usage gets more popular and different industries ally in the context of worldwide. Companies collect consumers’ personal information, including both their demographic status and some relevant security information, such as income, financial status, and even credit account. Companies claim that they will keep good moral value to protect comsumers’ privacy in the course of collecting consumers’ data and that such data will be helpful to effective consumer management and to better consumers service. But actually consumers are much weakened in the bargain leverage as companies get whole information about consumers. And the financial security of consumers becomes a big social problem.

Consequently, I strongly approve to place stricter limits on the ability of businesses to invade citizens’ privacy, even if those limits affect businesses’ profitability and competitiveness. Given that business information invasion damage consumers and threaten their security on a severe degree and extent, government can do nothing except imposing stricter limits on business information invasion.

还有就是你的标题最好改一下，写成AIA03吧

麻烦了

thanks for your help. your smile is so charming.

第一段包括了两个分论点：a, business invasion 有害，浪费时间和金钱。B, business invasion 威胁个人财物安全和与公司议价的能力。 中间展开说了这两点。我也觉得把非论点放在开头不好， 我本来是将提议下这两个话题的。我的专业是管理，所以有很多想法，但在短篇幅里是说不清的，我有点lost了，最后也不了了之。花了1 and half hour . 第一次写，感觉语言单薄，写的时候向换换句式，词呀， 浪费时间之一； 思考得太多，太泛，抓不住重点，浪费时间之二；文章结构安排还不熟，浪费时间之三。

就本人的建议：

思路多且深是好的，但是不要贪图把所有的都往上挤，你可以抓住一两个特别有闪光点且与文章结合紧密的论点将其发挥出来。往往这么一两个特别有吸引力的观点，可以成为获得高分的主要因素之一。毕竟考试是有时间的

同时在一开始写的时候可以多多考虑句式，用词多样性，建议一开始可以慢慢写，同时写完之后可以适当进行修改！等到渐渐形成一些模版或者用词，句式等一些习惯时，可以掐时写文章。同时建议采用填充式的方法，用自己平时积累的模版写好开头，每段的主论句，末段，然后进行填充，速度可以快很多！

以上是我的一些建议。你就仅供参考把，毕竟我也不是什么大牛人。同时请看到本贴的NN们有什么好建议多多说阿，我也好跟着楼主一起提高！！

i spent one morning to learn template. hehe. low efficient. continue to practice.