请DX帮兄弟改改作文（TWE142），并评分！谢谢

This is a controversial issue about what gift would you give to help a child develop. Depending on personal experience, background and emotional concern, we may find some people choose a camera; some people may choose a soccer ball instead. The choice, nevertheless, is not easy to make. However, from my point of view, I will consider that a computer is reasonable to give to help a child develop. My augments are listed as follows.

The essential reason can be seen by everyone is that it is convenient to gain knowledge through the computer for children. For example, when I was young, I usually went to school or library to learn some knowledge, but it is difficult to reach there when the weather is not so good. If I had a computer, I can learn everything whenever I want it, do not need worry about the time and the weather. There is no better example than this to demonstrate my point.

In the second place, another reason of my propensity is that it is easy to spend their spare time by the computer. For instance, usually children do spend their spare time outside; if they have a computer, they can play games, listen music and chat with their friends. If you can see that, you can understand my choice more deeply.

Last but not least, the computer also can help children to open their eyes. In the world, lots of new things come out all the time; children can know these by the computer to improve their experience.

To sum up, based on what has been discussed above, which sometimes intertwine to form an organic whole and thus become more persuasive, we can safely reach the conclusion that the computer is helpful to a child’s development.

写的很一般，麻烦XD们尽量指出不足之处！！

DD

大家帮帮忙

This is a controversial issue about what gift would you give to help a child develop. Depending on personal experience, background and emotional concern, we may find some people choose a camera; some people may choose a soccer ball instead. The choice, nevertheless, is not easy to make. However, from my point of view, I will consider that a computer is reasonable to give to help a child develop. My augments are listed as follows.

改：This is a controversial issue about what gift would you give to help a child develop. Some people choose a camera; some people may choose a soccer ball instead. The choice, nevertheless, is not easy to make. Depending on personal experience, background and emotional concern, I will consider......(因为depending....后面就要出结论的）My augments（augment什么意思查查字典，不敢犯错误哦，my perspectives）are listed as follows.

The essential reason can be seen by everyone is that it is( is that it is，改阿！！） convenient to gain knowledge through the computer for children. （The most important reason is that computer is very convinient for children to gain knowledge)

when the weather is not so (so最好不要乱用，so最好要搭配别的词用 )good

I can learn everything whenever I want it, do not need worry about the time and the weather.

I can learn anything at anytime (whenever的用法在这句好像不妥，）without the limitaion of time or weather.    (否则是2个句子无conj.. do not need worry about是不行的，）

There is no better example than this to demonstrate my point.（土了点，老大，改别的吧？）

another reason of my propensity is that it is easy to spend their spare time by the computer. （is that it is....改，        by using the computer..)

usually children do spend their spare time outside(Children do spend most of their spare time ouside.     usually children do---> children usually do spend.....)

If you can see that, you can understand my choice more deeply.(改改。。。。）

the computer （computers also can help chidren widen their ken      open their eyes是中国说法吧？)also can help children to open their eyes.

In the world, lots of new things come out all the time （every day.不要all the time..,come out也不好， In this world,  lots of  new things appear every day)

children can know these by the computer to improve their experience. （by 2种用法，1，被动语态的执行者，2通过某种方式。 Children can know those to improve their knowlege by using the computer.   experience,??多少是通过工作等等。）

最后一段终于找不到错误了。呵呵，太多人用了，小心哦。

谢谢fjmaple兄

我的作文不行啊，总是找不到感觉，以后准备多练习几篇，希望老兄以后可以帮我指导指导！！

谢谢斑竹抬举！

呵呵