TWE 128 请指正！！

128 Some people say that physical exercise should be a required part of every school day. Other people believe that students should spend the whole school day on academic studies. Which opinion do you agree with? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

When face this problem whether students should spend the whole school day on academic studies or should spend a part of every school day on doing physical exercise. People always face the dilemma to choosing this idea that physical exercise should be a required part every school day or choosing that idea that students should spend the whole school day on academic studies. Quirt a few people believe that spending part of every school day on doing physical exercise will bring a lot of benefits to their whole development. On the other hand, some people might choose the later idea. According to personal experience, personality type and emotional concern, I prefer to choose the idea that students should spend a part of every school day on doing physical exercise. Because there are too many benefits that outnumber its disadvantage. There are numerous reasons why I choose the idea that students should spend a part of every school day on doing physical exercise. And I would here explain a few of the most important ones.

  The essential reason can be seen by the people is that physical exercise can bring many benefits for their health, and improve their study efficiency. Physical exercise, such as playing football, swimming and dancing, can build up muscles, flex joints, speed up blood circulation and can give us real mental relaxation. After we feel physically exhausted, we can be absorbed in study more easily.

   Furthermore, to speak frankly, there is one more practical reason why I choose the idea that students should spend a part of every school day on doing physical exercise. Physical exercise will increase the student’s team cooperation. Now, many physical exercises need a lot of students to finish them, for example, when playing basketball, if one team want to win the game, they need all the team member cooperate each other. These experiences are very useful in their future working.

Personally I think the struture is not well organized. The first para is too heavy. The reasoning paras are not specific enough.

I think the most appropriate structure is 5-6 para with a strong conclusion.

128 Some people say that physical exercise should be a required part of every school day. Other people believe that students should spend the whole school day on academic studies. Which opinion do you agree with? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

When face this problem whether students should spend the whole school day on academic studies or should spend a part of every school day on doing physical exercise.(sentence incomplete)  eople always face the dilemma to (of) choosing this idea that physical exercise should be a required part every school day or choosing that idea that students should spend the whole school day on academic studies. (awkwardly structured, this sentence is unclear) Quirt (spelling, quiet) a few people believe that spending part of every school day (school day, not every school day) on doing physical exercise will bring a lot of benefits to their whole development.(vague sentence) On the other hand, some people might choose the later idea. (here, you’re repeating the first sentence) According to personal experience, personality type and emotional concern, I prefer to choose the idea that students should spend a part of every school day on doing physical exercise. Because there are too many benefits that outnumber its disadvantage. (it’s redundant, when you prefer to do exercises, it implies that it has many pros.)There are numerous reasons why I choose the idea that students should spend a part of every school day on doing physical exercise. And I would here explain a few of the most important ones.

  The essential reason can be seen by the people is that physical exercise can bring many benefits for their health, and improve their study efficiency (studying efficiency may be improved right away). Physical exercise, such as playing football, swimming and dancing, can build up muscles, flex joints, speed up blood circulation and can give us real mental relaxation. After we feel physically exhausted, we can be absorbed(??) in study more easily.

   Furthermore, to speak frankly, there is one more practical reason why I choose the idea that students should spend a part of every school day on doing physical exercise.(redundant, get straight to your point) Physical exercise will increase(word choice) the student’s team cooperation. Now, many physical exercises need a lot of students to finish (participate??) them, for example, when playing basketball, if one team want to win the game, they need all the team member cooperate (with) each other. These experiences are very useful (helpful) in their future working.

  Finally, as a proverb says, “everything has two sides.” Also I admit it is very important for students to study hard for their academic achievements. But I still think spending part of the school day on their physical exercises is more efficiency than spending the whole day on studying. (you still didn’t clearly explain the other side of the issue)

  Taking into account all these factors, we will find that the benefit of spending part of school day on physical exercise outweigh spending the whole day on study. Therefore from we have discussed, we may safely come to the conclusion that choosing part of the school day to do physical exercise and spending the major time on study is the best choice.

1. A few sentences are vague. Get straight to the point.
2. The second to the last paragraph should be edited.
3. Watch out for the word choices, and some gramatic mistakes.