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LZ 我没写过PS， 也没有看过PS。
你这篇是我看过的第一篇PS。
我说几点感觉：
你参考下。
（1）我觉得文章写的没啥感情色彩， 不管是成功的喜悦，骄傲， 或者是失败的刺激， 或者你对学校的渴望。 反正文章觉得是平铺直叙咯。LZ一共写了950+words。
第一第二段，有没有必要花这么多笔墨去写呢？
During my childhood, my uncle who was a teacher in the University of Ottawa often told some fresh things about overseas. From then on, I have always been filled with infinite yearning for studying and living abroad, in the hope that some day I can lift the wings in the sky to experience everything by myself.
I am a senior student from Shenyang Normal University, which is a high institute jointly founded by Chinese and foreign universities, so most teaching materials are taught by English. It's worth mentioning that our International Business College mainly invites many foreign teachers from the USA and provides foreign small-sized class teaching mode. Sometimes, those foreign teachers and teachers graduated from Britain often showed the culture and education system for us. Every time when I watched the smile on their faces, the idea of study abroad struck me. Here, I tried my utmost to improve myself including professional knowledge and English proficiency. Therefore, my present GPA has achieved 90%, and won the title of excellent students as well as prize scholarship for many times. Now I was recommended to apply for the title of outstanding graduates.
（2）我读的也比较快， 可能阅读能力有限，我没看到想在文章中体现你什么优点，或者说这个优点和MBA项目，已经你未来想做的事联系在一起。
第三段，我觉得是你的动机和重点把。LZ读MBA还是MASTER， 读MBA，工作时间短谈谈的学校的东西也可以，但是最好有点具体的数字，体现你的成就把。 既然是巨大的成就，那肯定是有努力和牺牲把，这里面看能不能imply你的某个优点体现出来， 例如坚韧不拔，有勇有谋，懂得平恒学习和生活等。哈哈
My Mom made profits after accurate analysing the stock market quotation during my high school, I felt the powerful charm from stock market. So I choose Economics (International Finance) as my undergraduate programme. During the four academic years, I met many excellent teachers and classmates, who guided me to walk forward to finance field and probe its secret. From the first academic year, I seriously studied Essentials of Economics from N Gregory Mankiw and Money and Banking from XX. On Fridays, I took an active part in Professor Tian’s lecture of XX to contact with stocks, securities and futures. Finally, I learnt how to observe and analyze the K-line Diagrams. At the same time, I participated in simulated stock trading stock system and became into an optimistic professional from a blind investor. More importantly, I used K-line Diagram and volume, as well as index analysis of MACD, BIAS and KDG to understand state of operation about listed company. Combining with the course of Securities Investment Analysis, I finally made profits.This simulation transaction played a key role for improving my professional skills from theory to practice. In the final exam, I achieved one high score.
（3）第四段终于谈到你的工作了： 我觉得PS 应该写的和CV以外的东西，也就是说通过你的工作内容以及成就，告诉你的dream school 你是一个什么的人。
Setting foot in the financial field, more or less, is inseparable from the supporting of bank business. To satisfy my curiosity, I interned as the Manager Assistant in Agricultural Bank of China during summer holidays of 2011, mainly responsible for private business. In this period, I grasped some banking business such as agricultural loan, transfer telephone service, credit card audit business as well as supervision and inspection business of ATM machine,etc. I also deeply realized the importance of team spirit as the core strength in a company. （你意识到还是你自己实现了teamwork， 这东西分量不同）The experience laid a solid foundation for the future two courses of Commercial Bank and Investment Banking. With the accumulation of Investment Banking, I did one report about investment value analysis for Yonggui Electric Equipment Company Limited(300351). （这个东西很难？ 你是有什么创新吗？还是这里有什么困难，你成功克服了？这些关键的你没说啊， 学校他们也不知道啊）Although it is one special stock, my report got teacher's approval through analyzing its main business, profits, net profits, total assets and stockholder's equity in the background of macroeconomic environment.
（4） 第五段 谈到了你的 lead 一个五个人团队, 我听很多NN都说LEAD SHIP 很重要， 我本以为你要说说你的leadship, 但是你这段都没有谈你的leadship在工作中的体现，只是说你领导了5个人。 最后一句说，你体会到了团队精神。
Except for obtaining professional knowledge, I also strove to strengthen my comprehensive capacities. I attended GMC (Global Management Challenge) Association, which offered an opportunity for me to put theoretical knowledge into practice. I took the position of financial manager in a group with five members. GMC aims to investigate us how to keep the company most promising situation after five years. In addition to taking the profit, cash flow and financial ratios into account, the primary task is to solve finance conditions and increase share price. Through you are heavily in debt from the beginning and solve the finance conditions in the end, you can not achieve the aim. After the competition, I not only consolidated specialized knowledge, but also realized the great power from a team.
（5）后面几段，我觉得LZ还是要好好表述下，你想成为什么样的人，已经这个为什么这个项目可以帮助你，
The MSc Management with Business Finance is intended to build on my existing knowledge. The programme concentrates on the role of business finance in organisational management and will provide me with a thorough grounding in accounting, finance, financial management, financial reporting, financial markets and investment and risk.
总的来说你的PS， 既没有突出你的优点， 也没有强调你的过去，现在和未来于这个你要申请的MBA项目有什么特定的练习，感觉针对性不强。 |
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发表于 2013-1-12 18:01:07
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