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[作文互改] 9月1 日考试 argument92 求拍

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楼主
发表于 2012-8-12 15:57:09 | 只看该作者 回帖奖励 |倒序浏览 |阅读模式
总感觉越练越写不出来了,有点着急。希望各位高手能提出宝贵意见,谢谢!PS:作为一个工科学生,个人对AW要求不是很高,能达到3.5就可以

Workers in the small town of Leeville take fewer sick days than workers in the large city of Masonton, 50 miles away. Moreover, relative to population size, the diagnosis of stress-related illness is proportionally much lower in Leeville than in Masonton. According to the Leeville Chamber of Commerce, these facts can be attributed to the health benefits of the relatively relaxed pace of life in Leeville.
Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.


提纲:1 病假多少并不能说明身体健康程度
     2 诊断出病例的多少也不能说明出身体健康程度
     3 即使L的健康程度确实高,也有很多原因可以导致它,并不一定是由于生活节奏导致的。
Based on unfounded assumptions and dubious evidences,the argument draws a conclusion that the relaxed pace of life in Leeville has contributed to the better health of the residents.To substantiate his conclusion,the arguer points out the evidence that workers in Leeville take fewer sick days than workers in Masonton.In addition,the arguer points out that the diagnosis of stress-related illness is much lower in Leeville than in Masonton.Though the argument seems to be valid and convincing at first glance,the arguer fails to rule out other possible explanations for these phenomena.

To begin with,the arguer assumes that number of sick days taken by workers is an indicator of the health condition of the workers.Since less sick days were taken by the workers in Leeville,the arguer concludes that the health condition of the workers in Leeville is better than the health condition of the workers in Masonton.However.other explanations could also be used to account for the fact.It might be true that the number of the sick days taken by the workers can not suggest the better health condition of the residents.For instance,it is possible that the companies in Leeville have strict rules about taking a sick leave,while the companies in Masonton don’t have that kind of rules.As a result,the workers in Leeville are afraid of being punished,so they are not willing to leave work even if they are sick.While the worker in Masonton are more likely to leave work when they are sick.Unless the arguer can rule out the other possible explanations that could rival the proposed explanation,I cannot agree with his conclusion.

Secondly,there is evidence that relative to population size,the diagnosis of stress-related illness is proportionally much lower in Leeville than in Masonton.Thus,the aruger made the assumption that the heath condition of the residents in Leeville are better than that in Masonton.However, It’s possible that few people go to the doctor for treatment in Leeville when they have stress-related problem,while in Masonton, residents believe going for a treatment is the best choice for curing stress-related problem.So even if more people in Leeville suffer from stress-related problem, the government cannot see it from the statistics.Unless the arguer could rule out such possible explanations,the conclusion of the argument is seriously unfounded.

Last but not least,even if the arguer could substantiate all foregoing assumptions,he can not conclude that the relatively relaxed pace of life attribute to the health benefits in Leeville.Other reasons other than the relaxed pace of life might also be the cause of good health condition.Perhaps that people in Leeville cares more about their health condition than the people in Masonton,they spend more time on exercising and they eat less fast foods.All these factors could also result in the better health condition in Leeville.
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沙发
发表于 2012-8-13 11:05:02 | 只看该作者
没有结尾吗?最好加一段结尾。

理由找的挺好的。
板凳
发表于 2012-8-13 19:00:32 | 只看该作者
However.other explanations could also be used to account for the fact我觉得这句话有必要充实下,就是如果作者不能指明或者提供什么什么,那么就不能排除其他的可能的解释
地板
发表于 2012-8-13 19:01:01 | 只看该作者
还比较标准的A,加油
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