作文处女帖(求批) --男女学生应不应该分开上学

可以歧视男人，但是绝对不可以歧视女人

ETS是女权的！！！

There is a continued debating that whether boys and girls should having studies in the same school or seperated one(这个开头是低级的复述题目,没有实际意义,我建议你不要用这样的开头,毕竟有太多的模版作文的开头和这个很类似). For(固定搭配from my perspective) my personal perspective, I prefer to support the idea that let them study together.(你的开头没有提供任何的background information就直接的陈述自己的观点,我认为这样太突兀.昨天才听了一个英语专业的博士生讲课,他也专门说了:写作文要有background information,不然会太突兀.background information是从general到specific的一部分,这个过程最好用1-3句话来完成,不然就拖沓了.具体的方法你可以参考我的写作的帖子)

To begin with, learning separately would cause(以后都可以用trigger来代替cause来表示引发不好的东西,因为trigger的动感更强) some social problem(复数). Nowadays(你为什么还在用nowadays?用currently), there are some unfavorable effects such as homosex and young violence(你的这个观点比较露骨.我觉得violence是可以的,但是homo的话,希望你慎重考虑). One thing we can restrain it is to alleviate their rebel mentality(你这里没有具体的阐述why learning separately would trigger those problems.我希望你可以具体的阐述一下.不然就很空洞没有说服力.how和why在论述中是很重要的). According to the sociological survey, moodiness is one of the biggest bad effect(复数) for peole's life especially youth. Friends of the opposite sex give them a way to drain their energetic desire precisely(你应该还要说how friends of the opposite sex can give them a way to drain their…,不然你的这个观点就无法得到支持,就没有力度了.而且,你这里的用词最好斟酌一下.drain---desire这个词,太猛了).  
 
More over(Moreover), boys and girls doing things in one team can learn how to corperate and respect the opposite gender(这个论点好多了). There is no doubt that some female school students don't(do not) really know what boys think for themselves. It causes a problem that they can't(cannot) penetrate into man's character till marriage(你最好说说这样的坏处,通过说这样的坏处,来证明在一起读书的好处). In fact, when they learn how to share happiness with boys, they will realize man's painstaking. Meanwhile, man could know woman's slender affection too(你刚刚还在用boys/girls,现在突然就换成了men/women,恐怕不妥当). After that, they would do things one another in harmony. "Mutual understanding is essential to human's friendship". So(你用的so太多了,你可以说therefore, hence, consequently.连接词最好丰富一提) both two sides of people want to understand the other and break the taboo subject. (你的论述的最大问题就是,你只给点,不给解释,这样读者会很茫然.)

Nevertheless, studing together can raise their interest on school working. When boys realize that there are some girls study around them everyday(every day), they will not feel lonely at all. This measure can relieve their emotional pressure. Not only boys, also the same as girls. Just for me, I think life should be colorful. So when I study tired, the first thing I do is going outside of class and chatting with girls. I can share some jokes with them which boys don't really want to do. After that, I revive my energy and continue working on academic books.(我觉得这里的例子是完全可以的,很personal,并没有什么性别歧视.这个例子就比较好了,因为你说了:你和女生交流来减轻你学习的压力.而你之前的2段,没有具体说明男女生在一起是如何起到相互促进的作用的,那样就很空洞.其实,道理很简单,比如:你支持一个电视比报纸好,你说出它的优点.如果你只说电视时效性强,然后就结束了,别人并不知道电视为什么时效性强.但是,如果你在说完电视时效性强之后,马上说,因为电视可以直播,所以我们可以身临其境的看到很多事件;而且,电视新闻的速度比报纸快很多,一般大的事件在发生后几十分钟电视就会有报道,但是报纸却要等十几个小时或者更多.所以,电视的时效性更强.这样的一个论点,才叫well developed.人家一看,就觉得:电视的时效性的确很强.你要说一个东西好,你还需要说它为什么好.)

我觉得你的同学给你改的还是很不错的，他帮你添加了how这个部分的内容

谢谢德克

怎么全是红阿？

我的这个也就是3分八？？？

是不是每段都要有how 还有why呢？

能不能主要段落有

后面的简略了？

还有阿

2个正例

1各反利

这样好么？

更具说服力阿

你可以分配一下

在一个例子或者理由上，着重的多一些why和how,多一点字数

在另外一个上，少用一点笔墨

至于你说的让步断，格式是：稍微的提及一下你不支持的一方的好处或者你支持一边的劣势，但是马上又反过来说：但是，综合起来考虑，还是我支持的这个好。

 反面例子不能用一段么？

就是第四段说一下

然后再转变过来

说综合来讲，即便有不足的地方，我的这边还是不错的

德克：

2，3，4段是平均一样长

还是详略得当〉？

三个观点一定彼此独立，还是彼此递进有关联？

要保证至少一个点well developed，我建议你最好只写2个优点，写详细一点。

详略得当是有必要的。

不一定要相互关联