我的第一篇限时作文麻烦大家提提意见!

wowdora · 发表于 2007-3-12 08:54:00

惭愧啊惭愧,4月就要考了,今天才下定决心练习限时作文.一练才发现自己速度实在太慢了,30分钟380+个字，已经没时间修改了，用的都是很简单的词,而且基本想不到用什么模版(其实之前也没有刻意背过模版,只是偶尔看到稍微记下).从今天起决定每天从185里挑写2篇,各位觉得可行吗?

先帮我指点一下吧~bow

7. How do movies or televisions influence people’s behavior?

Nowadays, the influence movies or televisions exert on the whole society cannot be underestimated. These are the two powerful representatives of the mass media that serve as a guide to how we dress ourselves, how we interact with others and how we develop our values, regardless of whether we have noticed or not.

The most conspicuous influence movies or television have may be that of numerous popular stars. The 79^th Academy Awards was held a few weeks ago, but up to now, people are still cheerfully discussing the dress Nicole Kidman wore that night, the hair style of Witherspoon and the perfume Jennifer Hudson applied. Movie stars have never failed to be the most fashionable people in today’s society, who are able to attract millions of attentive eyes simply because of a slight change in their costumes, for example, a lower collar, or a shortened dress. Common people like us always have a romantic fantasy to experience what it is like to be a superstar. Since we cannot act, sing or dance as well as them, we can only try our very best to imitate their appearances.

Apart from the above mentioned, seemingly “superficial” level of influence, movies and televisions also guide our social behavior, from doing the daily chores to making big decisions. Not long ago, a Korean TV series prevailed throughout China. The heroine in the TV, a cook, who has undergone many hardships, finally won the adoration in and out the TV screen alike. People, especially some young girls who never missed a single episode of the TV series began to learn cooking, particularly the Korean cuisine with a great interest. But that was not the only thing they have learned. They also copied the pious manner that heroine had towards her parents and other elderly, which pleased their parents to a great extent.

In a deeper sense, movies and televisions can shape people’s minds. My favorite TV series Friends has taught me how important friendship is. Movies like Life is Beautiful make us shed tears while cherish the family love more than ever before. And Forrest Gump tells us a person will eventually succeed as long as s/he holds on.

From what I have mentioned above, it is safe to say that movies and televisions do have an irreplaceable influence on people’s behavior.

wowdora · 发表于 2007-3-12 09:50:00

刚写了第二篇,斑竹也帮忙看看吧多谢拉!!

9 small town or big city

Nowadays, it seems to become a popular trend for people who live in the big cities to talk about buying a house in a small town and living in it after they retire or when they are on vacation. My family has followed the trend as well and bought a lovely house in the suburban area two years ago. But up to now, we have never spent our time in that house yet, because the inconvenience in the small town breaks the quiet fancy we, and perhaps most city dwellers, have held for years as we complain about the traffic jams and the deteriorating air quality.

I cast my preference to living in the big city because comparing with the small town, it offers more jobs, more education opportunities, and more recreational facilities.

When you see the countless skyscrapers in the big cities such as New York or Tokyo, you simply cannot imagine how many people are working in them. These high buildings are like some huge beehives which embrace millions of talented people. Cars and buses are always busy on the roads in the big cities, carrying people of various careers to their work places. And with a relatively high salary, cities keep attracting an increasing number of migrant workers from the small towns or countries.

Big cities provide benefit to children as well as to their parents. Whether a child can get a good education, to a great extent, determines whether s/he can have a brilliant future. Therefore, parents always spare no effort to get their children into best schools and universities possible. There are much more famous schools in the big city than in the small town, so children who live in the big city can have a broader scope of knowledge and socialize with more peers who will hopefully become the social elites in the future.

After a day of work or study, people living in the big cities can find a way of relaxation without the least effort. Bars and cafes are available, restaurants and tee houses save them a lot of trouble cooking themselves, and movies and theaters always have the latest films and shows at a reasonable price. Or, if you do not like the noises outside, you can just lie in the sofa enjoying a nice fashion magazine and the delicious popcorn, which the convenient store around corner offers.

lxzjojo · 发表于 2007-3-12 14:46:00

以下是引用wowdora在2007-3-12 8:54:00的发言：

惭愧啊惭愧,4月就要考了,今天才下定决心练习限时作文.一练才发现自己速度实在太慢了,30分钟380+个字，已经没时间修改了，用的都是很简单的词,而且基本想不到用什么模版(其实之前也没有刻意背过模版,只是偶尔看到稍微记下).从今天起决定每天从185里挑写2篇,各位觉得可行吗?

先帮我指点一下吧~bow

7. How do movies or televisions influence people’s behavior?

Nowadays, the influence movies or televisions exert on the whole society cannot be underestimated. These are the two powerful representatives of the mass media that serve as a guide to how we dress ourselves, how we interact with others and how we develop our values, regardless of whether we have noticed or not.

The most conspicuous influence movies or television have may be that of numerous popular stars. The 79^th Academy Awards was held a few weeks ago, but up to now, people are still cheerfully discussing the dress Nicole Kidman wore that night, the hair style of Witherspoon and the perfume Jennifer Hudson applied. Movie stars have never failed to be the most fashionable people in today’s society, who are able to attract millions of attentive eyes simply because of a slight change in their costumes, for example, a lower collar, or a shortened dress. Common people like us always have a romantic fantasy to experience what it is like to be a superstar. Since we cannot act, sing or dance as well as them, we can only try our very best to imitate their appearances.

Apart from the above mentioned, seemingly “superficial” level of influence, movies and televisions also guide our social behavior, from doing the daily chores to making big decisions. Not long ago, a Korean TV series prevailed throughout China. The heroine in the TV, a cook, who has undergone many hardships, finally won the adoration in and out the TV screen alike. People, especially some young girls who never missed a single episode of the TV series began to learn cooking, particularly the Korean cuisine with a great interest. But that was not the only thing they have learned. They also copied the pious manner that heroine had towards her parents and other elderly, which pleased their parents to a great extent.

In a deeper sense, movies and televisions can shape people’s minds. My favorite TV series Friends has taught me how important friendship is. Movies like Life is Beautiful make us shed tears while cherish the family love more than ever before. And Forrest Gump tells us a person will eventually succeed as long as s/he holds on.

From what I have mentioned above, it is safe to say that movies and televisions do have an irreplaceable influence on people’s behavior.

MM的文章写得相当不错了。观点明确，文笔流畅，事例丰富、贴近生活而具有立体感。文字朴实而清晰，基本没有错别字和用词不当之处，整个给人很诚恳真挚的感觉，相当不错。我是rater的话会给high的~前提是这是在30分钟之内构思和撰写出来的~~

个人以为，唯一美中不足的是结尾，有点草草收场的感觉了~我比较不喜欢这句：it is safe to say that...生硬了些~

另外，字数显然不是问题，MM对主题的拿捏相当到位，能在400字以内表达出如此丰富的内容和层次，功力已经是相当滴不错了~

加油，作文高分指日可待~

charmant · 发表于 2007-3-12 16:52:00

No.7,挑不出明显语法错误。层次分明，三段呈递进关系。有事例且生动。用词大小搭配而且鲜有重复。字数也不太少。肯定是Good+的级别。有望拿高分。

No.9感觉略逊于第一篇。但也很好。楼主的特点是结构非常清晰，但是没有魔板的痕迹。第二篇可能受到题目的限制，词汇方面稍稍不如第一篇，“big words”略少。因为我认为适当数量的，得体的，不太重复的big words可以提高文章的整体效果。但楼主应该是受过写作训练的。语言考究，do not, cannot it is都非常注意语言的正式。

两篇文章不知是否因为时间原因结尾略显仓促。但从一些“范文”看来最后总结性的段落并不是太重要。具体内容我就不清楚了。

个人水平有限，无法给出更高层次的意见。如果考试能写出如No.7这样的文章来，写作26+问题不大。

yfcoco12 · 发表于 2007-3-12 17:25:00

是不是大家用的结尾都是

from what I have discussed above,。。。

我前天考试也是这么写的，现在有想撞死的感觉，这样的结尾会不会太土，求教？

charmant · 发表于 2007-3-12 18:23:00

我那时候实在没时间了写的To sum up...就一句话

wowdora · 发表于 2007-3-12 20:56:00

谢谢高人指点啊!!!

这两篇都是30分钟写出来的昨天欠着的帐啊但是这两个题目都不是第一次看到所以也不能算是完全陌生的了

我也觉得结尾很生硬三点理由列完差不多时间也到了想不出精彩的结尾了刚又写了2篇今天的任务完成拉但还是这个问题还是再去看看范文吧

joelyeah · 发表于 2007-3-12 22:34:00

楼主已经很不错了，我平时写都没成功做到30分钟完成，前几天考打了320＋，不过质量可想而知的一般

我的第一篇限时作文麻烦大家提提意见!