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give some advice on my first essay!3q

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楼主
发表于 2007-3-3 18:37:00 | 只看该作者

give some advice on my first essay!3q

"budilding a factory in my community!!"

When it comes to factory  which is to be buit in my community,some people think it is a good idea since it would offer more chances for people who are seeking their job,and contribute to the econmy of community;some other people ,however,argues that it is harmful as it may have adverse impact on people living in the community even the vicinity.there are probally truths to both of them.

But if we consider this issue thouroughly,we can draw a conclusion that something would be more important than job chance and economy.experience has shown that the sustaining and enviromental development is of vast importance.

It is widely known that many problems aroused by factoy ,such as noise and polution,are annoying people deeply.if we have too much emphasis on economy unscrupulously,unaware of other aspects, it will bring us serious even disastrous problems. We have seen many instances of factories being speedily established with little people concernsd and then being found to be riddled with problems when implemented.take my hometown as an example,when I was in my childhood ,there are fresh air which make you feel freshing,and clean river where I got a lot pleasure with my fellows.such an scenerary,unfortunately,has disappeared because of a paper factory,which polluted the river and air.

on the other hand,if people employed by the factory,who are living in the commiunity,lives in the unpleasent enviroment with a lot of problems caused by the factory,they will fail to complete job efficently.

So, as a member of my communy,I will feel unease about the plan to establish in my comunty.such a schem which will have a immediate impact on every people in community and on social development as a whole,its implemention should handled with extreme scrupulosity,with community people's interests concerned.


[此贴子已经被作者于2007-3-3 20:30:40编辑过]
沙发
发表于 2007-3-4 00:31:00 | 只看该作者
以下是引用sqlestate在2007-3-3 18:37:00的发言:

"budilding a factory in my community!!" (sorry, what is this? the topic of the essay?)

When it comes to factory  which is to be buit in my community,some people think it is a good idea since it would offer more chances for people who are seeking their job,and contribute to the econmy of the community;some other people ,however,argues that it is harmful as it may have adverse impact on people living in the community even the vicinity.there are probally truths to both of them.

But if we consider this issue thouroughly,we can draw a conclusion that something would be more important than job chance and economy.experience has shown that the sustaining and enviromental development is of vast importance.

这个开头有点过于模板化了,你的观点并不明确,会使读者看老半天都不知道你的观点是啥~最好能用些生动的语言或者例子来引出论点~

It is widely known that many problems aroused by factoy ,such as noise and polution,are annoying people deeply.if we have too much emphasis on economy unscrupulously,are unaware of other aspects, it will bring us serious even disastrous problems.(it不能指代一个句子,这里不知所指)We have seen many instances of factories being speedily established with little people concernsd and then being found to be riddled with problems when implemented.take my hometown as an example,when I was in my childhood ,there are fresh air which make you feel freshing,and clean river where I got a lot pleasure with my fellows.such an scenerary,unfortunately,has disappeared because of a paper factory,which polluted the river and air.

on the other hand,if people employed by the factory,who are living in the commiunity,(who从句应该紧跟在其修饰的名词后面lives in the unpleasent enviroment with a lot of problems caused by the factory,they will fail to complete job efficently.(这个观点完全没有铺开,就草草收场了。。。

So, as a member of my communy,I will feel unease about the plan to establish in my comunty.such a schem which will have a immediate impact on every people in community and on social development as a whole,its implemention should handled with extreme scrupulosity,with community people's interests concerned.



楼主,你的文章实在太多错别字而且句子开头很多地方没有用大写(请注意:考试时是不会自动帮你改错,也不会自动将句首设为大写滴~~~)

请你以后务必注意,如果我是评卷老师,看到这么多别字一定立马晕菜~

橙色highlight表示我找出来的错别字,蓝色highlight代表表达有不尽妥当的地方,另外我的一些点评用紫色字体给出在文章中相应位置了,仅供参考~

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