我的写作,欢迎拍砖!给个分吧~

cutelee1974

以下是引用taoshuairong在2006-10-23 18:05:00的发言：

我第一次写托福的作文，水平实在有限 。心里也没底，麻烦路过的大侠给点评价。鲜花奉上啦~~~

Topic: Do you agree or disagree if people want to have a good future they should have a caful plan while they are still young?

  There are some people who think planning early is better to get a good future while others hold  that there is no need to have a careful plan when they are young. While前后句子结构不平行,开始直接用some people think...代替there be 结构，others hold that..就可以了无需加beliefs了．

But I would have to say that, if I were faced with this issue, I would probablly 用得这么不肯定不太好吧.句首用ＢＵＴ不地道，除非你和前面句子用分号隔开形成分句

follow planning carefully to get a glory future though （through）in one’s young age.犯了指代混乱的错误，前面用的是Ｉ，后面却是＂one's＂ In the following discussion ,I would like to  reason and provide evidence to support my view point .point of view

     

No issue is more important now （没必要吧）than one that refers to having a definite goal in one’s career . That’s also the major benefit a thorough plan made. （made过去时改成现在时，另外这句和前面那句感觉连得不好，that指代也不太明）A famous example can be seen in Einstand ,of whose（去掉of） achievements have influenced all over the world .He made his plan being an（a） useful inventor (发明家的意思，不能使计划成为发明家吧)when he was still in his teenage after dropping from school. And the following all as you know--he got it!

     Giving the motivation is another head and chief reason that I have chosen to put here. （感觉不是良好的写作用语虽然看起来挺好看）People who have a definite plan would make their behaviors more purposely and efficiently than the ones who have not get （got）the plan. So the earlier people make their plan, the less time that would be waste .(wasted)

      Superior as making a careful plan earlier is, however, it (指代什么？前文没有明确涉及)has own demerits as well. For instance, some people say. No plan can  catch up with changes. Nevertheless, the benefit of  having an early plan carry more weight than that of drawback of making the plan early.整段只有论点没有论据或者说论据太少

      To sum up, given the reasons discussed above, we can safely reach the conclusion that for pursuing one’s achievements, He should make himself a careful plan when he is young. In fact, not only do I agree having a early careful plan, But also prefer to make the plan as more detailed as possible.人称指代混乱一会用Ｉ，一会用ＷＥ，还有ＨＥ，

 

感觉基础不够，还要加强练习，整个文章看了不是很舒服，就算没有语法错误的句子感觉好象也不太地道，时间还有水平原因，不能 一一指出．多练练吧，作文就是个功夫活，几十篇打下来要不拿高分都难．

其实我还没开始作文呢，正要着手准备．用得是以前考ＧＭＡＴ留下来的经验，别拍砖哦，ＧＭＡＴ分数还可以的