Education is undoubtfully have a great impact on the developmentof（楼主打得可能心急了^_^) a society. The issue proposed in the statement, in my point of view, caninterpret into the issue whether is the elementary education or the eliteseducation（精英教育好词呀！但是是不是要分开来打的） is more important（essential如何） for a society. Elementary education seems only told people some basic knowledge（有个词汇是enlight启蒙，在这里会不错）, whilethe elite education often contributes to high-tech, more intelligent industries. But only can a society well its basic education(倒装！）, it will be able to acheive a successful and long-last（substantial，当然我觉得长久用在这里不是很合适，promising可能比较合适） development inthe future, which also do(does) good for the growth of its (删掉吧，貌似没什么必要）higher education.
Admittedly, university education plays animportant（core) role in a society's development, especially the high-tech andskillful industries(前面已经有过，举得advance in technology挺好）. Students in universities are trained to be professional intheir own field. They choose one or two majors to focus their study and research,pursuing the knowledge in a high level.(这两句建议顺序颠倒一下:Students who focus on several regions they choose to pursue are usually extremely expertised ) Most of the techniques and production（products),like(such as?) computer, airplane and aircrafts, are inspired from this high level research(改成这些人these talents吧).These technologies undoubtfully(已经用过，改成substaintially)make a remarkable effect(impact) on people(human)'s lives and the development of a society(改成course of history历史的进程吧）.
（建议最后总结一下论点，强调一下大学的重要性^_^最好可以举个例子？)
However, because of the obviously large number of people this（指代不明） education involved and the（删去） its more widely（wide) influence on the people in the society(society出现次数太多了，删掉好了）, children education, namely basic education, needs(requeires) more support from the government to insure the whole society's literal level(小孩教育和文化水平不是很有关系吧）, . Firstly, children education refers to the education for people（individuals) almost from the inphant to 12 years old, while university education covers only(感觉不顺，only放在cover前如何） a 4~8 years period . The length of time, in(to) some extent,can indicate that more people are influenced（engaged好用的词!很多地方都能用到！) by children education. From thisnumerical aspect, government should budget more on children education.
What's more, another cogent（好词，学习了！） reason is that people's basic knowledge and learning skills(knowledge storage) form(from) in children education, whichis（are) essential to their higher education(教育感觉用的太多了，其实比如a bright future也蛮好的^_^）and the long-lasting development of thesociety*建议略掉. In children education, people are taught to recognize the objects inthe world, to distinct the true and fault, to behavior kindly not evilly（排比！） Theseknowledge or skills have a great impact on people's growth（building of social value). According to the survey in some countries(再细化一点吧）, juvenile crimeseducation level than the average level have lower . So to focus more on the children education can really keeppeople from evil behavior from their childhood stage. On the other hand, there are also evidence show that people in universities have stronger basic learningskills（很多时候不是词汇的问题而是你的句子语意可能有重复，不如尝试避免使其出现？） than the average. Even though these skill will be enforced on theirhigher education stage, the basic skill is inescapable should be recieve in elementaryeducation so that these skill can be improved later. On the other words,university education is based on children educatio（通过句式的修改可以进行替换比如说former one) While the universityeducation play a important role in(is an excellent vehicle) the present development of a society, thechildren education ensures a long-last and successful one. Thus, governmentneed focus more budget on the children education.
In conclusion, for the reason of morenumber and wider impact that children education is involved, a governmentshould pay more attention on the children education. Besides, for the reasonthat the basic skills and knowledge that people receive in children educationinfluence not only a person's growth butalso the development of the higher education and the long-lasting developmentof a society, a government need to budget more for children education.(最后一段建议套用模板会很好多）
总的来说LZ思路很清晰，遣词造句也不错的，但是可能句子语意重复太多导致词汇无法替换，可以试试缩小说理的比例多加句子？
学渣思维不清。。见笑了 |
京公网安备11010202008513号 京ICP证101109号 京ICP备12012021号
发表于 2013-8-11 18:47:49
