CC的作文帖·~~让咱三位数金闪闪地告别托福哥吧~~

whom123

In the past, children and youth only had limited rights to handle their lives since their parents made all the decisions for them. Yet with the appearance（此处其实不是很确定，但有点隐隐觉得用appearance不太合适？用其他表示出现的词会不会好点？仅供参考。。）of the Internet and the spread of new education principle, young people today have more rights and a better ability to make their own decision.

Thanks for（应为thanks to） the new education concept, increasing parents believe that the core of education is the promotion of comprehensive quality and more of them realize that it is important to build children’s confidence and independence. This realization makes parents to（删除） respect young people and to turn the decision over to children. Besides, the school today offered（既然是today尽量还是时态一致吧） various courses and the children now are educated in a more well-rounded way than before. Parents do feel powerless to make all decisions for their kids. For example, how can parents decide which English dictionary should be bought if they know nothing about English.

Furthermore, with the valuable information got from the Internet, adolescent have the ability to make more considerable decisions than they used to. It is also convince（小心语法错误） parents to continue trust their children and let them make decision on their own. Take my experience for instance. I used to make a perfect family party plan by searching and collecting useful information on the Internet. I learnt from other successful plans and took key factors into full consideration, such as the weather, financial limit, transportation, the health condition of my grandmother etc. This party plan makes（时态） my parent believe I have the ability to decide by my own and since then I was given more chances to make decision independently.

Although children given more trust and（应该是are吧，笔误？） able to make decision by themselves, parents’ advices（不可数） cannot be underestimated or ignored. Since parents are more experience than young people in all aspects and the information the Internet provided are possibly wrong or misleading sometimes, their advice should be take into consideration when young people make their own decision. It is a good way to avoid unnecessary mistakes.

In conclusion, the situation is much better than it used to, in which parents build trust on their kids and kids are able to decide by themselves. While, at the same time, rational suggestions from parents can never be regardless.

总体来说还不错，只是要多避免一些小错误。逻辑结构方面还比较清晰，但是最后的那个让步我不知道是不是合适，虽然在GRE的作文里这么写显得逻辑比较完全，但是托福里我真不是很确定。这个就待楼主自己验证啦。
句式还比较丰富，只是例子不是很多。这篇文章也不是特别好举例子，考试时有限时间内还是得靠平时的积累和临场发挥（说了等于没说。。。若嫌唠叨就自动忽略吧。。。）
加油！~

whom123

我本来是过来帮你改17号的独立的。。。 还没写完嘛~~~

whom123

In this day and age, it is common belief that the appearance of the Internet has had an immense influence on our life. A quick access to all kinds of information provided by the Internet is changing the way people live. Marvelous as it looks at first sight, the Internet causes troubles in such a silent way that few people can realize it.
开头很好，很精练的说出了观点，并且遣词造句都很棒！~

Wasting time, in other words, reducing efficiency is the first problem the Internet courses（笔误吧~）. The more information the Internet offers, the more time we waste to find the desirable ones. As（是不是应该用in？） our experience, when we search something in Google with key works(小心笔误噢) or key sentences, every time it comes out with dozens even hundreds pages of results. We have to click a lot of pages to find out in which one there are the information we really want. In this case, superfluous information is nothing but a time killer. Worse still, those unwanted information often distracts us from our original searching purpose. More than once I turned on my computer to search useful information for my homework, but ended up with watching funny videos. In this case, additional information works as an efficiency killer.

Secondly, constantly overwhelmed by information（是不是前面加个being更加，好像光这样写不能做主语？） decreases the time we spend with kith and kin in the real word. Some people think that the Internet brings a closer distance between person and person, but I believe there is a longer distance between us in the reality caused by the Internet. It is a common phenomenon that people use their own mobile phone surfing the Internet rather than talk and laugh with others while they dine together. Convenient it looks like at the first sight, the Internet overwhelm us with the information flood and take the good times with friends and family away.

Finally and most importantly, some distorted information exhibited on the Internet can give rise to economic loss and even social unrest. There are many people suffering financial losses since they are deceived by fake shopping sites, which copy the pages of other famous online shopping sites such as Amazon, taobao.com and so on. Moreover, the information containing excessive violent and pornographic contents is most likely to mislead people, especially for the people lacking critical thinking ability. For example, a study on juvenile crimes shows that the misleading information on the Internet, such as violent movies and claims, is a key factor to the increasing juvenile delinquency.

In conclusion, we should to face the problems that caused by the overload information. When we are inundated with all kinds of information provided by the Internet, we ought to keep a rational attitude and use critical reading and thinking skills to treat them.

整体感觉很不错！~ 只是有些小的语法错误需要更加仔细一些。整体结构也很好，分论点加细节，论证充分，有时候如果理由恰当或许可以加点让步的观点。用词也很恰当并且够高级，想来是已经考过GRE了？ 作为弱菜能提出的意见只有这么点，我还是多向你学习吧~

whom123

lmt2011 发表于 2013-8-17 15:00
TPO11 INDEPENDENT WRITNG  求批改~~~~
Questions:
Some people say that the Internet provides people  ...

感谢认真的批改，我帮你看看一篇以前的作文，也作为学习~