新人Nicole首次加入小分队，请大牛多多指教

laneesherry

pyivy 发表于 2013-8-18 22:59
8.18 综合
The lecture discusses about whether the only amateur sketch of Jane Austen is the true por ...

The lecture discusses about whether the only amateur sketch of Jane Austen is the true portrait of Jane Austen,（这里同学犯了和我一样的理解错误啊……原文说的是For a long time, the only accepted image of Austen was an amateur sketch of an adult Austen made by her sister Cassandra. However, recently a professionally painted, full-length portrait of a teenage girl owned by a member of the Austen family has come up for sale.即“很长一段时间以来，只有唯一一幅妹妹画的一幅成年画像是被大家认可的，但是最近，A家族的一个成员声称自己拥有一副她的少女画像并想要出售。”所以说本文想证明的是另一副画像，并不是已经公认的唯一那幅妹妹画的画像。） especially whether is painted when Austein was a teenager. There are three reasons as follows,

Firstly, the portrait was published in 1882, several years after Austen's death. It's hard to figure out especially for the people who have never seen Jane Austen.(本段只说明了一个反驳的观点，既没有说明这个观点来自哪里，也没有说明反驳的是谁的观点，有些简陋）

Secondly, it might be some relatives of Austein in the portrait. Austein has a large family, so it is reasonable that some of Austein's family members are
portrayed.（同上）

Finally, the evidence that it is about Austein's teenager is only for the style.
it is shown that by the lecture Austein is older than the girl in the portrait during the same period.
However, the reading passage believes that the portrait is definitely painted when Austein was a young girl.（这三句我看得不是很明白，它们是同一段吗？感觉同学很多细节都没有听出来）


总体印象：
这篇综合写作只写出了一个大概的骨架，应该有的点并没有完整地表述出来。
刚刚稍微统计了一下字数，同学你这篇文是140字，托福综合写作的规定是150~225，少写是很吃亏的，建议多练习听力，加多一些细节。

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下面附上来自无老师的TPO12 的满分范文：

The reading passage suggests that three pieces of evidence provide support that a portrait recently commissioned for sale by a member of Jane Austen's family is of Jane Austen herself when she was a teenager. However, the lecturer rejects such evidence and argues that the painting could not be a portrait of Jane Austen.  

  

First, the lecturer argues that the portrait was approved for publication by the Austen family 70 years after Jane Austen's death, suggesting that members of her extended family might have published the portrait without having actually seen her in person. Therefore. the fact that the portrait had been endorsed by her family members does not necessarily prove that it is a portrait of  Jane Austen.  

  

Second, the lecturer argues that the resemblance between the portrait and an authentic sketch of the adult Jane Austen could be explained by the hypothesis that the portrait is of a relative of Jane Austen when the relative was a teenager.  

  

Finally, the lecturer argues that despite the style of the painting, which links it to the exact period when Jane Austen was a teenager, the stamp on the back of the canvas suggests that the portrait was painted at least 27 years after Jane Austen's birth, indicating that the portrait was of someone else who was much older than the teenage Jane Austen.  

laneesherry

来迟了。。。



蓝色是个人意见及建议
红色是强烈建议修改的地方



Everybody is dreaming to achieve the success, but are(注意单复数) puzzling about the way to be succeed.（这里的转折读起来稍微有些奇怪。。。这样直接用从句会不会好些:"Everybody who dream to achieve the success is puzzling about the way to be succeed."） There is an opinion that you should be more like others than be different from everyone else, if you want to be successful. I am not quite with this value.//开头这前面三句一直到这里才表明自己观点，稍微有些啰嗦，建议缩减。// From my perspective, it is not important to decide whether you should be similar with others or be different with others. The most important thing is that you should find your own way.

First of all, you should figure out the fundamental goal for your life. The goal is crucial factor to determine what you are fighting for. Meanwhile, the goal is also a parameter to testify whether you are successful or not. For example, if your goal is to earn a lot of money, you may try your best to do business. It is none of business whether you have followed other people’s way, but the accomplishment of your own goal is the point.(本段的主题句是“你应该确立一个自己的目标”，但是要论证的观点是“成功的关键是找到自己的方法”。稍微感觉有点偏，你要论证的是“Why”，但是支持的分论点却写的是“How”。另外就是例子的问题，这个例子显得有些弱，建议具体一点。)

Secondly, you need to analyze your own personality, such as your disadvantages and advantages. When you pursue your own dream for success, you need to avoid the drawbacks. For instance, American famous author Hellen Keller became deaf and blind due to an illness. However, she did not disappointed by physical disability. On the contrary, she had studied extremely hard to learn speak and give lectures worldwide. A lot of people are encouraged by Hellen’s spirit. Hellen initiated her own way to make her value be true. It is impossible for anyone to obtain his/her goal by copying others’ methods. Worrying about the choice of doing things in the same way or the different ways from other is useless. （同上的关于分论点和论证主题的问题。还有也是例子的问题。本段主题句是“你应该去分析自己的能力”，但是用的却是海伦不气馁努力奋斗最后成功的例子。还是说同学本段的实质主题句是最后那句“Worrying about the choice of doing things in the same way or the different ways from other is useless. ”？这样的话建议把这句话放在本段的开头，以免造成误解。通常来说，说理段的结构是：主题句+支持句+例子+总结/深化/回到主论点）

Furthermore, the objective factors are also important for people’s success. People are not isolated from other society. The collaboration with other people and the interaction with the environment play a key role in our daily life. If we want to be successful, we also should be involved in the society.（最后这一点只有几句话，既没有例证也没怎么展开来讲。建议把这段作适当扩充或干脆直接删掉）

In a word, everyone has their own way to be successful. The important issue is not whether you should copy others’ way or be different from other. How to find your own way which is most appropriate for you is the point.（结尾这两句稍微有些啰嗦，建议合并为一句。）


总体印象：
1.同学的作文立意非常新颖独特，文章也是用了常见的五段式结构，非常明确
2.关于例证和分论点问题，在文中已经指出，建议多加练习
3.用语方面，读起来有一种chinglish的感觉，建议多背一些像新概念那样地道的英文好词好段


最最后加一句……同学不要忘了帮我改作文啊