[求助]再发拙作,请评!

alexwithibt

第一段的例子写的不好. 有些画蛇添足. 要么你给一个更好的例子. 要么就中规中句的引出你的观点.

建议重写一下第一段.

once I had an experience in a design project with some people age from 20 to 50.the cooperation among us went smoothly: some people, mostly in the age of 40 or higher, took the responsibility of supervising the flowing of the whole project such finicial issue and people assignment, and young people did most concrete work with great vigor and passion. throught that project, i got an insight of the different attitude about life between youngs and olders. from my perspective, young people do have more enjoyment about life.

 

(An interesting phenomenon invariably occurs in my company that every weekend young adults more likely tend to organize outdoor activities of all sorts such as hiking, swimming, and touring as ways of relieving touch pressure. On the other hand, old employee are lethargically constrained at home and bored for tackling household matters. After contemplating, I, fairly reasonably, believe that following reasons prompt young adults to more enjoy life than old people.)