橙子酱的作文贴：每天都要写写写

loverony713

9-25 我稍后把我的作文贴出来 么么大

sclovexj

独立925修改by re
Most people do not count on government for help because they think that it is always better to either do things on their own or to ask for help form。 their family（either 和or后面需要一致 either do ....or ask....)

As for most people, turning to government for help is always not their first choice. The time for officers to produce their requests prevents them from counting on government. From their perspectives, doing things on their own or asking help from their family is more reliable. In this way, they could solve their problems more efficiently, objectively and better control the pace.(两个副词后用and，后面也应该用副词才能通顺，乃better control the pace是和谁对应或是平行呢）

The experience of waiting for helps from government tortures many people, （不是所有国家噢，某些个哈）because hardly could they figure out complex procedures required by government. In my country, people are in fear of getting involved in things related to government, such as applying for a business license. The materials that a businessman has to provide may cost him a whole month to prepare. What is worse, this process might be extended, if more than one government office are responsible for dealing with a certain issue. （感觉没说完就突然停了）Under this circumstance, a large number of businessmen in my country choose to ask a favor from their friends or family to simplify this process.

Government tends to offer help suitable for people as more as possible. Compared to government, friends and family are more likely to help people according to their specific needs. For instance, I have a relative who live in misery and want. To raise his child, he applied for unemployment relief from government in my city. However, the government refused his request because his house is slightly bigger than house for qualification（这里表达 感觉有出入，他家的房子比？大）But in fact, life had forced him into a corner. At last, his friends helped him by providing him a minimum salary job. Thus all his problems were easily solved.

Doing things by themselves rather than counting on government enables them to precisely control the important things. They could arrange the things based on their own schedule and revise their plan（s） at any time. （加个to是不是好点）Take my own experience as an example. When I applied my business license last year and had to contact an officer in another department, the officer who was in charge of my application said that he could contact this officer for me. However, his help does not make me relaxed. Instead, I was really anxious about whether he could contact another officer in time. Therefore, I refused his kindness and did it by myself. The things went smoothly, and I quickly got my permission.

Owing to the reasons I mentioned above, I would arrive at （draw替换arrive at是不是好点）the conclusion that when confronting things is urgent or important, people should better do these things on their own or ask help from their family or friends.
1句式变化不多，喜欢用动名词结构从句及其并列句，尝试多变换句式
2句意表达不是特别精确
3基本做到了 组织架构合理，有详细例句来支持观点，但不是足够有力度
4第三个例子阐述不是很清晰，段落主题句有些含混

橙圆

loverony713 发表于 2014-9-27 19:16
9-25 我稍后把我的作文贴出来 么么大

有几个点不太同意
live in misery and want 固定搭配
minimum salary 最低工资阿 最朴素的写法 呃 我找不到其它好说法了 可以给个参考一下么

另用词不太好的问题 如果可以能给个替换词咩？

谢谢Emily

loverony713

橙圆 发表于 2014-9-27 21:24
有几个点不太同意
live in misery and want 固定搭配
minimum salary 最低工资阿 最朴素的写法 呃 我找 ...

就是你想表达的意思不能通过动词说不出来......~ 你先试着用中文说出来~~ 然后看看有没有合适的英文~
还是多看看范文吧~ 这样自然就知道怎么用了

你的一些词组我确实不知道~ 我用的一些别人也会不知道 也会各种迷惑 互相补充吧

橙圆

写得我蛋疼

angla

我改得也挺疼的

橙圆

angla 发表于 2014-9-27 23:28
我改得也挺疼的

因为family 前面有every 阿 所以后面谓语动词要用单数
prevent后面介词只能用from 姐姐应该是记错了
然后 deem...as 这个确实是我用错了 不是缺谓语是介词应该用 to
Thx~

angla

橙圆 发表于 2014-9-28 11:10
因为family 前面有every 阿 所以后面谓语动词要用单数
prevent后面介词只能用from 姐姐应该是记错了
然后 ...

冏。。。。。。。。
我前天写的prevent from being
echo跟我说只能prevent sb to do


我去。。。。。。。。。这互改

橙圆

哞吼吼 我实在不擅长写这种生活的类型

橙圆

啦啦啦啦啦