『写作小分队』求各位大神轰炸，板砖，不吝赐教～

gre呀gre

对不起我忘了把你分进去了！7.31 独立

我是错误君 我是没错但是改了更好君 我是整体段落建议君

In the campus of the (a)university,（campus和university只留一个就行了，背景越简单越好哦~） thecontroversial topic, recently, is concern（concerned，be concerned...） withthe honesty between the（不是特指所以不用加the）friends whether the complete allegiance between the（同上） friends（我觉得between thefriends可以都删掉了，和前面重复了） enhances the relationshipto the（a） higher extent. It' s （托福写作不能用简写哦，改成Itis）obvious that when it comes to this topic, people are inclined todivide into two opposite sides--agreement or（and）disagreement. Although the theme of the honesty（the honesty theme会更好一些） has been promoted year by year（year by year强调时间这个过程，这里应该说的是次数多吧？改成again and over again 会更好一点）, everything has its boundary and degrees. It's（It is） hardto justify whether complete honesty is helpful to the friendship?（改成句号） From the prospective of mine, it's（it is） at least not a wise choice that sharing the confidential secretswith the friendly（my friends）completely. The reasons are following: （段和段之间一般不用冒号哦，度娘的解释http://zhidao.baidu.com/question/12320585.html）这一段太罗嗦了，只是要介绍背景知识，不用这么多的，而且和大学校园有什么关系呢？在后面没有体现出来，如果体现不粗来的话，那就不要提这个背景啦！

At the very beginning, as the old saying says（用goes会更地道）:gold pure and no man is perfect, the world does not exist without the shortcomings of the people（people without shortcomings会更好）. It's（It is）undeniable that everyone desires to present more excellent aspects to theirfriends by concealing some bad habits and awful performance. It's（It is） just an evident indication that your friends care about youropinion and evaluation fairly. 和honest有关系么？如果意思是说谎是缺点，没有人是没有缺点的，那么需要点出来

Moreover, in order to avoid the unnecessary anxiety, holding backthe secret（想表达的是truth吧？因为谎言对的是真实，秘密是谈不上诚实或者不诚实的吧~） is the（a）better option. For instance, yesterday I just broke up with my girlfriends（给高帅富跪了- - 原来有一堆女朋友啊……）. The inevitable sadness anddepression is now exceptionally filled in（be full of = fill (up) with, 这两个可能更合适，fill in 一般不用被动，而且一般填满的是缝缝或者空白的东西） my mind. The whole world of mineseems to turn（to be turned）upsidedown, （句号）however（However，however不能做并列连词） ,I, after careful contemplation, decide not to participate（改成share意思更贴切吧，participate用作vt的时候意思是得到或者接受某部分东西） the terrible things（其实老外更喜欢用nightmare或者disaster） tomy confidential friends because what he is capable to do is comforting me,which only reminds me of the breaking up again and again. My gloomy mood islikely to infect his mind resulting in the depressed atmosphere around us.Therefore, it's（it is）better to retain some of your secrets.

In additions（addition）, It's（It is） unlikely for your（you，宾格） tobe honest with all your friends. As we are living in the net of the societylike the（a） food chain, we have to communication（communicate，动词形式） with many relations. For instance:（冒号前必须是完整句子，改成逗号） if the relationshipbetween your（删掉更好吧，显得客观，因为题目问的是写作文的人，而不是别人） two friends deterioratesrapidly, both of them underestimate with（underestimate是vt，后面不用加介词的，所以删掉with，这里想说轻视的意思吧？我觉得用look down upon更好，underestimate是低估的意思）each other fiercely. What's（is） worse, one of them wants to hear（打听的话，这里用ask about或者inquire） about several embarrassing experience of theopposite from you so as to humiliate the other in public, （改成句号）what will you do? Obviously,either choice violates the principle of the honesty between friends.Considering this condition（situation会更好，强调情形）, unless we areisolated from the sophisticated world, you（前面主语是we，后面也要是we才行，要统一） are unable to pay attention toyour own moral uplift without thought of others. 这段想说有些情况不得不撒谎，例子举的挺好的，但是一定要说明是什么情况不得不撒谎，这样才能得分，说的不清楚老外不喜欢哦，这段可以说既然我们生活在一个交流很频繁的社会里，为了维持朋友关系，who are disgusted with each other, 我们不得不撒谎。一定要要在段首点题才能得分高

Finally, the common senses(common sense)white lies are crowed(crowded, 笔误) in the modernsociety（想说我们都有常识，善意的谎言围绕在我们周围，合并成一个句子应该是it is common sense that white lies are crowded inthemodern society）, it's（it is） a socialartistry. When some of your friends eagerly beg you to appreciate and evaluatehis finished artifact, it's（it is） cruelfor you to hurt his ambitious confidence by criticizing even though theartifact is really bad. However, the encouragement is about to accelerate thespeed of his growth, （改成句号，）so（托福写作里一定不要用so！！！太口语化了，换成therefore或者thus或者hence什么的） for（from） thispoint of view, white lies can stimulate them typically to realize the successaggressively.

In sum, it's（it is） truethat honesty is the basic orientation of（for吧）human beings, but granted the issues above it's（its） inappropriate to confide all things to yourfriends. How can the dilemmas be perfectly solved; only time will tell.最后一定不能这么说啊！！！前面一直说的一直诚实不好，但是最后time will tell一下虚掉了啊！老外不喜欢这种模棱两可的文章，一定要有偏向性，结尾也要一致！）

Tips：

1. 总共512个字，不知道乃是不是在半个小时之内搞定的呢？如果不是那就再精简语言啦！如果近一个月不考试的话，那一定要多写，不看时间，如果一个月内要考试的话，一定要看着时间写啊！！！考试的时候写不完才是最苦逼的- -

2.冠词：能看出来乃对冠词的应用不太好啊，a an the分不清用法，如果分不清的话宁肯不用，这样能最大程度的避免错误，当然这是小错误，一般考官不会注意的~

3.单词用法：首先赞一个！好多单词我都是查了之后才认识的23333，说明背单词背的一级棒！！！这点上要向你学习！同时呢，单词的词性和用法在背单词的时候也要背呀，这在写作和口语上能用，要不然虽然都写粗来了但是都错了，这样是不是也很冤呢？

4.举例：例子很好！但是都太罗嗦了，只要交代清楚就行了，突出矛盾，精简背景，这才是最重要的~ 而且例子举的有点单一啊，几乎都是从你的角度来举的，这样会显得太单调，说服力会降低~

5，其实我觉得善意的谎言和第一段好像差不多诶，是不是能合并一下呢？个人意见~

总之，加了个油~

hjl80959

           Only if people are digging in the conversation about the movement to a new place, the most controversial topic is concerned with whether it is a good thing to do at the cost of losing old friends. When it comes to the thorny dilemma, the opinion smashes into two opposite sides-agreement and disagreement. Allowing for the progressive communication technology, the superior education level and the better medical condition, I, after the careful contemplation, am on behalf of the agreement with the movement.
           At the very beginning, due to the rapid development of the communication technology, it is not necessary for us to worry about the loss of friends. The Innovative invention, along with the application of the new equipment, precipitates the world to become smaller and smaller. For example, yesterday by the Internet, I chatted with my primary school friend thousands of miles away, who is now studying in the USA. Moreover, modern people typically are fond of keeping their daily affairs in the Microblogs, thus, we are able to grasp the recent situations or the changes of old friends from the blog, and then we can participate the pleasant things that happened with each other, which makes relationship between us remain intimate. Nevertheless, after a period of being unaccustomed to the strange environment, we will soon engage into the new community. It is obvious that appointment with the new friends is inevitable. Your friend circle will extend to a high extent; many friends will join in the big family. Hence, movement to new place does not mean the loss of friends.
           In addition, it's undeniable that there are some more critical factors that promote us to move there. Take a friend of mine as a example, after the gradation of elementary school, he left for Nanjing for the further study purposely. From his prospective, the school in Nanjing has better education quality than the homeland’s, then he has more opportunity to get touch with more top students in order to stimulate his own uplift and to earn the higher grades in the college entrance examination. Indeed, apart from the education, the medical condition and employment are the reasons that parents should take into consideration, Just as the guaranteed environment after retirement is significant to the elders in family, so is the favorable employment to the teenagers after their graduation. In the case of this point, the parents as the elite of a family are willing to move to new city which is equipped with such conditions.
          Consequently, granted the considerable advantages in the presentation above, departure for the new place is a wise choice that I back exceptionally.

guoyang88

今天有点事 一定给你改哈 ：）

Vance1991

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误Only if people are digging in the conversation about the movement to a new place, the most controversial topic is concerned with whether it is a good thing to do at the cost of losing old friends. When it comes to the thorny dilemma, the opinion smashes into two opposite sides-agreement and disagreement.Allowing for the progressive communication technology, the superior education level and the better medical condition, I, after the careful contemplation, am on behalf of the agreement with the movement.

          At the very beginning, due to the rapid development of the communication technology, it is not necessary for us to worry about the loss of friends. The Innovative invention, along with the application of the new equipment, precipitates the world to become smaller and smaller. For example, yesterday by the Internet, I chatted with my primary school friend thousands of miles away, who is now studying in the USA. Moreover, modern people typically are fond ofkeeping their daily affairs in the Microblogs, thus, we are able to grasp the recent situations or the changes of old friends from the blog, and then we can participate the pleasant things that happened with each other, which makes relationship between us remain intimate. Nevertheless, after a period of being unaccustomed to the strange environment, we will soon engage into the new community. It is obvious that appointment with the new friends is inevitable. Your friend circle will extend to a high extent; many friends will join in the big family. Hence, movement to new place does not mean the loss of friends.(楼主的例子很好,段落的结构也很不错,总分总,good!)

          In addition, it's undeniable that there are some more critical factors that promote us to move there. Take a friend of mine as a(an) example, after the gradation of elementary school, he left for Nanjing for the further study purposely. From his prospective, the school in Nanjing has better education quality than the homeland’s, then he has more opportunity to get touch with more top students in order to stimulate his own uplift and to earn the higher grades in the college entrance examination. Indeed, apart from the education, the medical condition and employment are the reasons that parents should take into consideration, Just as the guaranteed environment after retirement is significant to the elders in family, so is the favorable employment to the teenagers after their graduation. In the case of this point, the parents as the elite of a family are willing to move to new city which is equipped with such conditions.

         Consequently, granted the considerable advantages in the presentation above, departure for the new place is a wise choice that I back exceptionally.


楼主的模板有点高级的,有些词我有点看不懂=.=....
楼主的用词很高级,错误也很少.很不错~

guoyang88

呃  看错文章了 不好意思 。

8.1独立
In the campus of the university, the most controversial topic, recently, is concern withthe way to discuss upsetting problems with others. There are four options included in the debate-email, text messaging, telephone and voice-messaging. When it comes to such unproblematic questions, people are inclined to divide to several diverse parts by supporting the view of theirs. From the prospective of mine, I, after the careful contemplation, am behalf on the voice-messaging. 【楼主这块貌似理解错了 是2和2 选两个 不是4选1】 The reasons are followings:
At the very beginning, compared to the text messaging and e-mail, the latter two approaches are more efficient and better【effective】. The common sense tells us that our emotion is playing an essential role in the communication with others. Especially when taking about the controversial [controversial issues]with others. It's undeniable that if two people are complaining with the same problem fiercely and both of them insist on the validity of their reasons exceptionally. Consequence, [As a consequence OR Consequently]it's more likely for the person who is more emotional to win the debate. Moreover, people prefer to give way to the person that is willing to present the weakness. From this point, the conveyance of the emotion between two complaints is typically significant. By justifying the attitude of others and condition of themselves, people can rapidly work out the way to end the debate.
In addition, thanks to the development of the advanced technology, the advent of the voice-messaging is absolutely a fantastic sign to the human beings. However, the telephone has been widely used for decades of years and this technology fails to update to the new level ever since the end of the last century. In contrast, the enormous advantages displayed by the voice-messaging are exciting to us. It's not necessary for us to assure whether others have time to answer the telephone or whether they are at the side of the telephone, what we need to【do】 is just 【to】 send out our recorded voice, then waiting for the reply. Admittedly, it is more convenient for us connect with others by this tool; what's more, we are able to calm down and tease out the key of the conflict during the intervals between two messages.
Finally, despite of the definitive convenience, among the expense of four options, the voice-messaging is about to be the lowest. In modern society, human beings grapes various accesses to transmit the voice-message, such as the widespread internet [Internet]and wireless mobile net .For example, a software called micro-message, which has the capacity to send voice-message, even videos, has been installed in my mobile. Nonetheless, compared with the normal standard expense --10 cents a message or a minute, it only costs you one cent to deliver a voice-message within a minute.
Hence, granted the considerable advantages in presentation above, the voice-message stands in a superior status than other three tools in the place of discussing controversial problems.

hjl80959

In Chinese society, the most controversial educational topic in each family is concerned with whether parents should help children with their work rather than let them alone to do it by themselves. When it comes to this topic, the view always smashes into opposite sides-support and oppose. Allowing for the lifetime growth of children, I, after careful contemplation, am on behalf of agreement with the independent life.
            At the very beginning, there is no denying that parents have far more abundant experience than the children and they are proficient in handling the problems the children confront, moreover, the eager care, which represents the deep love of the parents and urges them to pull children out of trouble, is totally accepted. Nevertheless, from their sides, children never grow up and fail to achieve their expected extent. However, their children have to be faced with hardship by themselves in the coming days. Take a university roommate as an example, when he was a child, his parents never allowed him to do any housework such as washing clothes and sweeping the floor, so he is interior in this aspect. Consequently, in the university, it is his first time to do such things, therefore, he always washes the garment mixed with stocks. When we get close with him, the odd smell is what we constantly suffer from, then we inevitably get away from him. Considering feelings of others, the independent habit should be development from their childhood.
            In addition, despite the trivial housework, the parents should encourage children to be independent in other parts such as learning. For example, when I was young, as soon as I met with the thorny problems in homework, the first thing I came in my mind was to ask my father for help. Gradually, I was accustomed to refer to him rather than dealt with it through own cognitive process. Finally, I paid a heavy price in the final examination. Indeed, as the old saying goes: giving a fish is worse than teaching fishing. Parents are unable to help us forever. Just as the wings are significant to birds, so is the independence to the children. Coincident with the rapid rhyme of society, the job opportunity is becoming more and more competitive, in the future, we are likely to encounter with many troublesome problems such as deceive in business, fierce promotion competition and love dilemma. It is necessary for us to develop independence that plays an essential role in our character.
           In sum, granted the advantages of the independence above, I, exceptionally, back the parents encourage students to do work by themselves.



看了fairy 作文不禁觉得差距很大，一时兴起，模仿你又写了一篇，麻烦一起帮吗改一下了～
           If we regard Chinese parents as the group that concern with children most, no rivals will exist in the world. That fact is that Chinese parents are anxiety with all aspects of their children’s lives ranging from clothing to emotional world. Generally, nearly half of parents insist that they are bound to handle all trivia by the time children go to the nursery. However, the others refutes that it is their duties to help children work out all dilemma forever. From my prospective, I. after careful contemplation, hold the view that children should learn to be independent at a proper age. Here are the following reasons.
           Indeed, no matter how successful and powerful the parents are, they, impossibly, accompany their children for the whole life. Commonly, thorough rapid growth, the children have to face various affairs, like going to study in abroad, working far away from the homeland. Thus, the parents by no means can give a hand to their affectionate children in those conditions. In this case, the importance of independence has been emphasized typically. Imaging that children are likely to fall into the deep depression and helplessness in the future for hardly tackling things alone, parents should encourage kids to do things by themselves from childhood. Once children develop ability of be independent, children are on the way to success as soon as possible. Hence, independence plays an essential role in children’s maturity.
          In addition, more and more parents come to know that confidence and resolution can be obtained from completing things independently. Take a university roommate as example. He told us that before he went into college, his parents did almost all housework for him, such washing clothes, cooking meals, cleaning his bedroom, even making bed. Initially, He went into a great rapture at the immediate mention of freedom of college campus. Nevertheless, after he had been living in campus for a week, the helpless experience, along with mess of bedroom, reminded him of cozy and comfortable life at home-Nothing but studying is necessary to care about. Fortunately, he was gradually accustomed to the individual lives without any help from parents, and then he has ample confidence and resolution to finger out the thorny problems now, which also make his parents feel proud of him. Therefore, parents let their children alone to handle trouble independently, and that can stimulate the confidence as well as children’s potentials.
          Last but not least, there is no denying that children should be taken care of by the period they are mature enough to be qualified for the individual life. After all, no parents would allow children to go to school alone in danger of missing way or being kidnapped by bad men. Taking that in to consideration, the parenting method should be changed adapt to the children’ ageing.
          In sum, at the time of complete physically maturity of children, the parents should encourage their children to fly by their own wings.

晨依Jacqueline

8月1日 作文修改
红色为错误，蓝色为疑惑or建议，紫色为精彩，绿色为总结。

In the campus of the university (university campus比较好，更native一点), the most controversial topic, recently, is concern(concern是使动词，应该说be concerned with/about) with the way to discuss(一般来说the way表示方法的话用the way of doing sth. 如果是表示通向XXX的道路的话说the way to sth. 比如the way to happiness, to是介词不是不定式) upsetting problems with others. There are four options included in the debate-email, text messaging, telephone and voice-messaging. When it comes to such unproblematic questions, people are inclined to divide to several diverse parts by supporting the view of theirs. From the prospective of mine, (From my perspective多简洁啊!不过这里和后面的“我经过深思熟虑之后...”重复了)I, after the careful contemplation, am behalf on (on behalf of)the voice-messaging. The reasons are (+as) followings:

开头略显冗长，内容和语言还可以，整体来讲感觉模板套的有点生硬，不够灵活。说说模板的问题，我觉得这个模板还需要再斟酌一下：第一，点题不够明确，虽然前面说了the way of discussing upsetting things with others,但是这个恐怕不能说是问题吧，而且后面的such unproblematic questions让评分员奇怪--咦？刚才哪有提到some unproblematic questions？第二，表达繁冗，不够简洁明了，我一直觉得开头的精彩不是通过长难句体现的，而是通过表现形式和内容作为引入的，如果ETS的大叔们看到你的开头是With the development of science and technology什么的直接就黑脸了，所以还是尽量写的实在点！比如说你的开头可以简化一下：Recently, the way of discussing upsetting things has been a top concern among college students.(PS:其实我觉得among public也可以哎，但是你写的university我就不给你改意思了……) Methods of communications, for example the voice messaging and the text messaging, vary from person to person. I prefer voice messaging every time I confront  controversial problems for the following reasons.(只是我的一个建议啊，我不喜欢用模板，这样写是想告诉你要精炼一下开头，不一定按照我的写法来写。)

At the very beginning,(我不知道是不是参考模板上有这种写法或者范文，我没有见过这个短语用在段首的呢，google学术也没有搜索到类似的用法，而且比较偏口语一些，)compared tothe text messaging and e-mail, the latter two approaches(首先the former, the latter的用法是用在两者之间的，你这里都四个了肯定是不合适哈~第二，和开头呼应是没有什么问题了，但是这里一下子来个two approaches根据你的文章意思这应该是更为重要的两项你却给忽略掉不写，让读者自己找上文感觉很不负责任啊、倒不如反过来写compared to other approaches mentioned above, communicating through telephone and voice messaging are more efficient.) are more efficient and better.(the efficient已经有了the better的意思了，建议删后面或者改成其他并列词汇。) The common sense tells us that(这样写很Chinglish呢！直接Commonly,) our emotion is playing (不需要强调现在进行的状态，直接plays就可以) an essential role in the communication(communicating) with others. E (, e) specially when taking (talking)about the controversial(something controversial)with others.(和前面重复了，去了对意思也没有影响。)It's undeniable that if(如果两个人...是不可否认的？这是怎么回事？米有结论吖~再看看这个句子)two people are complaining with the same problem fiercely and both of them insist on(看斜体的地方时态，注意and连接起来的结构上要平行啊！) the validity of their reasons exceptionally. Consequence,(Consequently) it's more likely for the person who is more emotional to win the debate. Moreover, people prefer togive way tothe person that(who) is willing to present the(his/her)weakness. From this point, the conveyance(conveying) of the emotion between two complaints is typically significant. By justifying the attitude of others and condition of themselves, people can rapidly work out the way to end the debate.(要在举例子的同时突出重点啊，你的topic呢？Efficient也没有体现呀？要知道前面那些话可不是白说的！)

个人感觉例子的表述信服力不够，越看越觉得和你的voice messaging没关系了呢，句式变化还需要加强。对下划线句子的修改写在这里：When facing with a fiercely debate, it is more time-saving for people to understand the others' standpoints and conveying their ideas effectively through voice messaging. As people can acquire a great deal of information via conjecturing others' attitude, a voice messaging significantly improves the effectiveness of communication. (意思可能有点给你改了，我觉得还是要突出主题哈、你那个划线句的逻辑我觉得还不是很清楚，再看看吧)

In addition, thanks to the development of the advanced technology, the advent of the voice-messaging is absolutely a fantastic sign to the human beings.(句子写得不错，但是我觉得“音讯”的出现能算的上是科技进步的奇迹是不是还需要斟酌一下？而且一开始最好能把这一段的topic sentence摆出来，感觉这一段看完了以后论点都不够明确。)However, the telephone has been widely used for decades of years and this technology fails to update to the new level ever since the end of the last century. In contrast, the enormous advantages displayed bythe voice-messagingare exciting to us. (这里我有一个小小的疑问，你在前文中把telephone和voice messaging归到一类里面了，这里又对比了说telephone不好voice messaging好，感觉怪怪的呢！按照我的理解通过telephone来交流的话也应该算是voice类的吧？)It's not necessary for us to assure whether(if)others have time to answer the telephone or whether(whether sb. ...or not，但是这里把两个连起来了还是用if好一点) they are (not) at the side of the telephone, w(.W)hat we need to (need to do/去掉to改sending)is just send out our recorded voice, (and)then waiting for the reply.Admittedly,it is more convenient for us (to be) connect(ed)with others by this tool(前面隔得太远了找不到this tool指代的什么了); what's more, we are able to calm down and tease outthe key of the conflict during the intervals between two messages.(最后这里写着写着又有点偏离主题了，为什么你选择voice messaging？主题句也没有突出，还需要读者自己揣测。。)

多写例子，例子比我们反复讲“我们应该怎样”更有说服力！比如说根据你这一段的意思，我觉得就可以举一个“微信”（Wechat）的例子，这个大家都比较熟悉吧，可以写写你和同学是怎样通过Wechat交流问题的，即使他在上课，你们通过Wechat也能随时交流，等待他的回复，然后你怎样怎样解决了问题。大胆尝试其他的表达，感觉it is +adj. 的句子太多了，有点视觉疲劳呢！论坛里有一个牛牛写的帖子可以看一下，“我们要尽量避免ETS最讨厌的大话空话晦涩话。比如“There’s no denying the fact that …”=Undeniably, …   “It is a well-known fact that …”=Not surprisingly, …  ”It’s of great importance that…”=More importantly,… “It’s obviously that…”=Obviously,… 轻装上阵，发现表意更清晰啦”
（http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-712479-1-1.html?extparms=ThreadCatalogID%3d101%26page%3d1）

Finally, despite of the definitive convenience, among the expense of four options,(太久远了，最好还是能写出来哈！至少也得写个开头提到的四个options) the voice-messaging is about to be(不要乱用短语哈~这个是即将的意思) the lowest. In modern society, human beings grapes various accesses to transmit(ing 这里的to是介词)the voice-message, such as the widespread internet and wireless mobile net(wireless network) .For example,(前面的such as刚刚列举了，这里接着for example不大好呢)a software called micro-message (我猜你是想写微信了^^), which has the capacity to send voice-message, even videos, (突出voice message就够了，毕竟不是突出软件多powerful的，无关细节可以不要)has been installed in my mobile. Nonetheless, compared with the normal standard expense(表达比较中式，可以查查比较native的说法) --10 cents a message or a minute,(这个可不是expense呀?) it only costs you one cent to deliver a voice-message within a minute. （一定要突出主题句，亲！而且controversial神马的一定要突出出来啊！）

举例子的那个地方可以这样写：Just take a newly-developed software, Wechat, as an example. It is the capability of sending voice message that makes this software so popular among the young. Considering its low expense and convenience, a larger number of students tend to choose voice messaging when dealing with upsetting problems.

Hence,granted the considerable advantages in presentation above, the voice-message stands in a superior status than other three tools in the place of discussing controversial problems.

最后一段写得也挺不错的，但是我觉得最好能加一句话，比如：我坚信voice messaging是遇到诸如此类情况时的最佳选择，类似的，使文章更加convincing and persuasive!

晨依Jacqueline

咦 有人改了啊  那学习学习--。

-- by 会员 guoyang88 (2012/8/3 3:01:07)

同学 你要改的作文是第一页最后一楼的帖子
没有被改。。。。

fairyfinger

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

           In Chinese society, the most controversial educational topic in each family is concerned with whether parents should help children with their work rather than let them alone to do it by themselves. When it comes to this topic, the view always smashes into opposite sides-support and oppose. Allowing for the lifetime growth of children, I, after careful contemplation, am on behalf of agreement with the independent life.
感觉第一段模板的痕迹比较重，有些可有可无的句子，比如after careful contemplation，我个人觉得直接删掉比较好～

           At the very beginning, there is no denying that parents have far more abundant experience than the children and they are proficient in handling the problems the children confront, moreover, the eager care, which represents the deep love of the parents and urges them to pull children out of trouble, is totally accepted. Nevertheless, from their sides, children never grow up and fail to achieve their expected extent. However, their children have to be faced with (face) hardship by themselves in the coming days. Take a university roommate(one of my university roomate) as an example, when he was a child, his parents never allowed him to do any housework such as washing clothes and sweeping the floor, so he is interior in this aspect. Consequently, in the university, it is his first time to do such things, therefore, he always washes the garment mixed with stocks. When we get close with him, the odd smell is what we constantly suffer from, then we inevitably get away from him. Considering feelings of others, the independent habit should be development from(since) their childhood.


           In addition, despite the trivial housework, the parents should encourage children to be independent in other parts such as learning. For example, when I was young, as soon as I met with the thorny problems in homework, the first thing I came in my mind was to ask my father for help. Gradually, I was accustomed to refer to him rather than dealt with it through my own cognitive process. Finally, I paid a heavy price in the final examination. Indeed, as the old saying goes: giving a fish is worse than teaching fishing. Parents are unable to help us forever. Just as the wings are significant to birds, so is the independence to the children. Coincident with the rapid rhyme of society, the job opportunity is becoming more and more competitive, in the future, we are likely to encounter with many troublesome problems such as deceive in business, fierce promotion competition and love dilemma. It is necessary for us to develop independence that plays an essential role in our character.


          In sum, granted the advantages of the independence above, I, exceptionally, back the parents encourage students to do work by themselves.



看了fairy 作文不禁觉得差距很大，一时兴起，模仿你又写了一篇，麻烦一起帮吗改一下了～
If we regard Chinese parents as the group that concern with children most, no rivals will exist in the world. That fact is that Chinese parents are anxiety with all aspects of their children’s lives ranging from clothing to emotional world. Generally, nearly half of parents insist that they are bound to handle all trivia by the time children go to the nursery. However, the others refutes that it is their duties to help children work out all dilemma forever. From my prospective, I. after careful contemplation, hold the view that children should learn to be independent at a proper age. Here are the following reasons.
这段开头清楚许多：）
          Indeed, no matter how successful and powerful the parents are, they, impossibly, accompany their children for the whole life. Commonly, thorough rapid growth, the children have to face various affairs, like going to study in abroad, working far away from the homeland. Thus, the parents (parents) by no means can give a hand to their affectionate children in those conditions. In this case, the importance of independence has been emphasized typically. Imaging that children are likely to fall into the deep depression and helplessness in the future for hardly tackling things alone, parents should encourage kids to do things by themselves from childhood. Once children develop ability of be(being) independent, children are on the way to success as soon as possible. Hence, independence plays an essential role in children’s maturity.

         In addition, more and more parents come to know that confidence and resolution can be obtained from completing things independently. Take a university roommate as example. He told us that before he went into college, his parents did almost all housework for him, such washing clothes, cooking meals, cleaning his bedroom, even making bed. Initially, He went into a great rapture at the immediate mention of freedom of college campus. Nevertheless, after he had been living in campus for a week, the helpless experience, along with mess of bedroom, reminded him of cozy and comfortable life at home-Nothing but studying is necessary to care about. Fortunately, he was gradually accustomed to the individual lives without any help from parents, and then he has ample confidence and resolution to finger out the thorny problems now, which also make his parents feel proud of him. Therefore, parents let their children alone to handle trouble (alone 和independently 要一个就好） independently, and that can stimulate the confidence as well as children’s potentials.
楼主的例子有点长了，适当删减一下，提取一些重点信息。比如the helpless experience 其实前面已经讲到了，这里可以不要。不然会显得比较累赘，感觉讲来讲去都是一个意思：）
另外楼主的用词比较复杂，我觉得用些简单易懂的词也许更好一点，关键是直接把意思表达清楚咩
其他没什么问题～
         Last but not least, there is no denying that children should be taken care of by the period they are mature enough to be qualified for the individual life. After all, no parents would allow children to go to school alone in danger of missing way or being kidnapped by bad men. Taking that in to (into) consideration, the parenting method should be changed adapt to(accoding to 更合适点） the children’ ageing(aging是变老的意思，可能不是很恰当？）.
         In sum, at the time of complete physically maturity of children, the parents should encourage their children to fly by their own wings.
最后再总结一下上两段，把let their children fly 的原因加在后面就更完整了：）
楼主很用心啊又写了一篇。后面一篇比上面的清楚很多，加油~~

hjl80959

When it comes to the importance of personal connection in society, Chinese people have the voice extremely. An increasing number of people believe dependence on the help from relative and friends, it's easy for them to find a fantastic job in society. According to this opinion, nearly half of people reckon that handling relationship with other people well is more important than studying hard at school. However, I, after careful contemplation, maintain that the real competiveness from the school is more useful.
          No matter how powerful your parents are, and no matter how sophisticated you are, first of all, the great company always focuses on your performance in your school. Thus, the GPA, research ability and activity performance are the factors the interviewees trend to take into consideration. Obviously, what is emphasized by the great corporations is your ability of learning. In order to meet the rigor requirement, it is inevitable for the students to work hard to achieve higher scores. Every company owns its discipline, if you are not qualified for the level of the company, it is not likely to pass the interview no matter how sincerely related with the executives. From this case, it is more reliable to obtain acknowledgement by excellent presentation of your colorful lives in the school.
          In addition, there is far more practical knowledge that can be obtained in the university than we used to think. Commonly, the university is now a transitional period before we get in deep touch of society, and the authority gradually pays more attention to the function of future university. The courses, such as how to figure out the relationship between people, how to be well involved in a team, are already open in many university. Take my course as an example, the professor teaches what is the key character of leader in a team, he lets us to act as the leader to design the blueprint of company and to makes the meeting with all employers. In this aspect, school studying not only offers students basic knowledge but also the way to tackle relationship. Hence, these is no denying that school studying is conductive to teenagers’ comprehensive growth.
Yet, throughout the life, large amounts of the people are bound to step in your circle, each one act a different role. Someone block your way to success, the other help you go through gloomy time. Anyway, there is long way to go, especially, for us-who have not unveiled the magic veil of society.
          In sum, studying hard in school is the most urgent affairs for our students, which equips us with the weapon like knowledge, practical skills, and vitality.