【写作小分队】stones4···超越每天的自己····

晨依Jacqueline

TPO2 综合修改
The lecturer talks about research conducted by a firm that the group system when attacks a project.(这里when是怎么回事?) He says that the theory stated in the passage was various(各种各样的?不合适吧、)and somewhat inaccuratewhen compared to(关于compared with还是compared to的问题，我查了一下，To compare to is to point out or imply resemblances between objects regarded as essentially of a different order;to compare with is mainly to point out differences between objects regarded as essentially of the same order.应该是用with，仅供参考吧~)what happened for real.

First, some members got free rides for theydidn't work hard but rely(relied) on others who make(made) contributions to the group. Once the group won the honor, every member shares this profit, however, it was nothing to do with some of the people. In this case, it's conceivable unfair to those who worked hard on the project, a team as a whole, however, no name(were named). What indicates in the passage called "shine" doesn't exist according to the content told by the lecturer.

Second, the professor advocated it took a long (+time)to make an accord agreement while passage says that a group of people have a widely range of knowledge so that it could work at a tremendous speed. The professor concluded that groups were slow in progress for the reason individuals can make a decision on their own, but it wasn't work on the team because of the number of people.(注意注意，其实这一篇综合比较狡诈、listening的观点和reading的观点出现的顺序并不相同，所以我们可以发现本段的两个idea并不是对应起来的。Free ride是和rewarding对应，high speed和hold meetings、long time对应，所以应该再看看原文对应起来~~另外，建议本段在提供这些观点和细节的同时点明一下阅读和听力的关系~)

Third, if one or two people become influential, other members will be affected, induces decrease their creativity(induces a decreased creativity?). This directly contradicts what the passage indicates that individual has a better chance to share as long as team members who have voice maybe influence by others.(这个句子有点小问题，前面what后面还有从句。。。)



Stone同学是第一次写综合，而且是一篇比较诡异的综合题目~感觉比我第一次写得好多啦，但是还是存在一点点问题：首先，时态有点混乱，比较具有穿越性；其次，最好可以在每一段直接或者间接点出the relationship between reading and listening；最后，因为我自己也一直做不到，所以我也没有资格要求stone啦、也是一个小原则吧，就是在文章中写listening的内容时尽量符合原文的表述，越接近越有细节越好~希望stone能在后面的练习中能够听好更多的details然后写得更好吧~！加油！

stones4

4月7日
110513 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? One of the ways that parents can help children be ready for adult life is to ask them to do a part-time job.



With the gigantic strides of modern society, more and more pressure is exerted on the next generation. Caring about their children, parents are eager to find a way to help them adapt to this community before they become adults. When it comes to this, part-time job is selected as a good choice to make this preparation. And here are the following reasons according to the conventional viewpoints.

By doing a part-time job, children can gain plentiful practical experience rather than what teachers have taught. Crassus says that "You will learn more about a road by traveling it than by consulting all the maps in the world." Imagine that one never does a real job and just hears the tips from his or her parents or read from books. Though s/he knows the concepts or the regulations how things operate. Still, this person indeed does not understand how to deal with the issues. The point is conceivable, because those who are staying in the ivory tower never attend to the reality. As a result, part-time offers an opportunity to take the words into practice.


Another reason is if children take part-time jobs, it is apparent that they will achieve accomplishments for they earn the money and at the same time require the experience on their own. My first part-time was to sell milk. After a hard day work, persuading the customers buy commodities, blamed by my employer on account of the mistake I made in counting the money. Ultimately, my first pay, 100 RMB was handed over to me. The memory of that moment still reveals in my mind. From the day I was born, never have I be so contented. This case is not rare, in reality, many children satisfy themselves through part-time jobs.


In addition, part-time job helps children build their personalities as long as they are given chances to meet more people. Some children are introverted so they seldom talk with others, admittedly, this leads negative effects to the upcoming days. As we know, communication is a crucial part of the contemporary world. World is practically made by relationship, and communication is the basis of relationship. In this case, introverted as children are, the participation in the part-time job does contribute to complete their characters. Sooner or later, they will learn how to communicate with others.


Though it is not hard to find another way to help children be ready for adults. Such as doing housework which makes them more independent or ask them to cook that takes the levels of the quantities of their lives and how to take care of themselves. However, there's no denying to say when consider about the factors part-time job produces more suffering issues than any other work under the control of parents. It is universal acquired that "those who aim at great deeds must suffer greatly".

stones4

e```肿么发出了这样的文章····word你肿么了····肿么给我删了那么多单词····
时态哦，是的。。。下午大脑好乱。。。。
嗯，我的确是米发现阅读的观点和听力不一样·【败犬
听力听下来，没反映的就把原文记下来，然后拼在一起的时候觉得蛮奇怪的。连格式都搞不清

婷婷connie

stone,sorry,昨天一直没有接触到电脑，今天给你批文~
With the gigantic strides of modern society（这句话有点空，建议开始从实在的入手，比如社会竞争越来越激烈）, more and more pressure is exerted on the next generation. Caring about their children, parents are eager to find a way to help them（这里指代不明） adapt to this community before they become adults. When it comes to this(this指代不明acquiring experience), part-time job is selected as a good choice（the first priority） to make this preparation. And here are the following reasons according to the conventional viewpoints.(the表特指,后面跟单数形式，复试形式表泛指,这里注意一下)


（To begin with）By doing a part-time job, children can gain plentiful practical experience rather than what teachers have taught(theories obtained in the classroom ).Crassus says that "You will learn more about a road by traveling it than by consulting all the maps in the world." Imagine that one never does a real job and just hears the tips from his or her parents or read from books. Though s/he knows the concepts or the regulations (about？这个介词我不太确定)how things operate. Still, this person indeed does not understandhow to deal with the （specific ）issues. The point is conceivable, because(这里有点中式。改成：it is conceivable that those individuals who keep in the ivory tower never attend to the reality )those who are staying in the ivory tower never attend to the reality. As a result, part-time (job)offers an opportunity to take the words into practice.


Another reason is(that)if children take part-time jobs, it is apparent that they will achieve accomplishments for theyearn the money and at the same time require the experience on their own. My first part-time was to sell milk(milk sales). After a hard day'swork, persuading the customers(to )buy commodities, blamed by my employer on account of the mistake(fault)I made in counting the money. Ultimately, my first pay, 100 RMB was handed over to me. The memory of that moment still reveals(这里想表达什么呢？) in my mind. From the day I was born, never have I be（been ） so contented. This case is not rare, in reality, many children satisfy themselves through part-time jobs.


In addition, part-time job helps children build their personalities as long as they are given chances to meet more people. Some children are introverted so they seldom talk with others, admittedly, this leads negative effects to the upcoming days. As we know, communication is a crucial part of the contemporary world. (The) World is practically(radically) made by relationship, and communication is the basis of relationship. In this case, introverted(已经用过了，换一个unsocial)as children are, the participation in the part-time job does contribute to(这个to 貌似是介词)complete（shaping and molding） their characters. Sooner or later, they will learn how to communicate with others.


Though it is not hard to find another way to help children be ready for adults. Such as doing housework which makes them more independent or ask them to cook that takes the levels of the quantities of their lives and how to take care of themselves. (这里不用写这么具体了)However, there's no denying to say when consider about thefactors part-time job produces more suffering issues than any other work under the control of parents. It is universal acquired that "those who aim at great deeds must suffer greatly".（最后加一句升华的话，像如果大家都去兼职了，会怎么样）

Conclusion:

1.注意代词的指代问题。

2.冠词的使用

3.文章字数的安排，开头、结尾不用写这么多字的。

小问一句，字数很给力，是30分钟写完的吗？

真的很棒啊

stones4

4月8日
101211 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is more enjoyable to have a job, and you work only three days a week with long hours rather than work five days a week with shorter hours.

Owning to the gigantic strides of modern society, the domestic deposit is increasing. Under the rich substance, people begin to consider how to lead a more enjoyable job. Currently, an idea between whether work three days a week in long hours or five days work in short hours is put on the table. Personally speaking, the former one seems to be a better choice. And here are the examined reasons which according to the ubiquitous viewpoints.



Without doubt, it is more efficient to finish the work if a person chooses to do his or her job in three days. As a result, self satisfaction is achieved when the person completes a job continuously and finally accomplishes it. Painting is my favourite hobby. Nothing can make me excited only have I completed my picture without pause. Unfortunately, sometimes the order by my mum which pushes me to go to bed will interrupt me. So that, there's no alternative for me but to sleep, however, the undone picture still reveals in my mind. That is what draws me crazy. This example is not rare, in reality, some people cannot be relaxed unless they finish their daily work as long as it tackles the problems to satisfy oneself at most degree and at the same time two more days are saved for one to do something else.



So, another reason for choosing three days to work is because in this way more free time is available to develop hobbies. Through a hobby, one can know more friends and make his or her life diverse. Especially participate in some sports like basketball which acquires team spirit will help the person get a better understanding of each other and make a deeper friendship. To fully utilize these two days, employers also gain more time to company their families. An investigation recently shows that over 80% young parents complained they are too busy to take care of their children due to the five days working system. In addition, some extra work might be given to them on the weekend. In this case, while doing the jobs, more time will be taken to think about their children. So, in conclusion, working three days with long hours indeed more gratifying than five days.



Some people may claim that working five days a week gives a greater circumstance which compared with three days a week with extended hours people know more about the characters of their workmates. In that case, it is easier to share ideas with which does contribute to the company. With less work hours everyday, less tire will people have, so they can guarantee the high quality jobs. However, working three days with long hours a week indeed tackles all the tasks in a short time and protects the problem before it happens. Moreover, less communication is not necessarily a bad thing. As individuals, less creations will be made when influences by others.

Last but not the least, long hours work in three days does bring more benefits when it comes to how to make more profits to a company. If a company operates in three days, it will cut its cost so that it may increase the employers' welfare. Who won't be more enjoyable with more money.

stones4

结尾的最后本来按我原来的习惯是会在总结一次的，前天在鸟儿的推荐下看了张红岩那本书，现学现卖了一下“戛然而止”
关于regulation about那个，我查了一下，好想没有特意一定要使用什么连接。

关于指代的问题老实说我从来没有注意过，谢谢你那么仔细的修改。对我帮助太大了。
替换句子，的问题，在写作过程中一时半会儿想不到，，
时间，，，小超了一点，，因为写句子我比较头痛


谢谢婷婷同学如此仔细的修改，受益匪浅

daisyの小夢想

4.8

Owning to the gigantic strides(gigantic strides搭配有点奇怪，gigantic主要形容体积庞大之类的感觉？) of modern society, the domestic deposit is increasing. Under the rich substance (用substance不对，这个物质的意思是生物性的，应该用material goods，under也不好，改为With/Enjoying abundant material goods), people begin to consider how to lead a more enjoyable job. Currently, an idea between whether work three days a week in long hours or five days work in short hours(in long hours有歧义，用with) is put on the table. Personally speaking, the former one seems to be a better choice. And here are the examined reasonswhich according to the ubiquitous viewpoints(the ubiquitous viewpoints? 普遍的想法？不是your own idea?).Without doubt, it is more efficient to finish the work if a person chooses to do his or her job in three days. As a result, self satisfaction is achieved when the person completes a job continuously and finally accomplishes it. Painting is my favourite hobby(累赘，my favourite thing or my hobby). Nothing can make me excited only have I completed my picture without pause(suspension) (好像不是这样表达。Only if I complete my drawing without suspension can I feel excited.). Unfortunately, sometimes the order by my mum which pushes me to go to bed(有点累赘，My mum’s pushing me to go to bed) will interrupt me. So that(In such situations), there's no alternative for me but to sleep(I can do nothing except for going to sleep), however, the undone picture still reveals(用现在时不好，may still appear) in my mind. That is what draws me crazy. This example is not rare,(断句) In reality, some people cannot be relaxed unless they finish their daily work as long as it tackles the problems to satisfy oneself at most degree and at the same time two more days are saved for one to do something else.(这句逻辑有点混乱><但不知道怎么理顺)

So, another reason for choosing three days to work is because(is that) in this way more free time is available to develop hobbies. Through a hobby, one can know more friends and make his or her life diverse(colorful). Especially participate(participating) in some sports like basketball which acquires team spirit will help the person get a better understanding of each other and make a deeper friendship. To fully utilize these two days, employers also gain more time to company(accompany) their families. An investigation recently shows that over 80% young parents complained (that) they are too busy to take care of their children due to the five days working system.(这个引用数据真好~~) In addition, some extra work might be given to them on the weekend. In this case, while doing the jobs(找不到逻辑主语), more time will be taken to think about their children.(even when they are doing the extra work, they can have more time to look after their children) So, in conclusion, (Therefore,) working three days with long hours (is) indeed more gratifying than (working) five days.Some people may claim that working five days a week gives a greater circumstance which compared with three days a week with extended hours (for people to know more about their workmates?)people know more about the characters oftheir workmates. In that case, it is easier to share ideas with which does(that do) contribute to the company. With less work hours everyday(every day), less tire will people have(这里不能倒装呀。), so they can guarantee the high quality jobs(jobs that are of higher quality). However, working three days with long hours a week indeed tackles all the tasks in a short time and protects the problem(protect??) before it happens. Moreover, less communication is not necessarily a bad thing. As individuals, less creations will be made when influences by others (??).

Some people may claim that working five days a week gives a greater circumstance which compared with three days a week with extended hours (for people to know more about their workmates?)people know more about the characters oftheir workmates. In that case, it is easier to share ideas with which does(that do) contribute to the company. With less work hours everyday(every day), less tire will people have(这里不能倒装呀。), so they can guarantee the high quality jobs(jobs that are of higher quality). However, working three days with long hours a week indeed tackles all the tasks in a short time and protects the problem(protect??) before it happens. Moreover, less communication is not necessarily a bad thing. As individuals, less creations will be made when influences by others (??).

Last but not the least, long hours work in(for) three days does bring more benefits when it comes to how to make more profits to a company. If a company operates in three days, it will cut its cost so that it may increase the employers' welfare. Who won't be more enjoyable with more money.(反问句用问号~~)

>>??结尾去哪里了?? 要有conclusion啊,stone! 我一战就是因为没有conclusion作文扣得比较多分。。

daisyの小夢想

不好意思 这次真的有点狠批了>< 因为daisy被GMAT语法影响很深，所以写句子也是喜欢简洁到位，逻辑指代明白^^ 加油~~

Crystaljoy

Daisy 好认真哇

同时期待Stone昨天的作业

stones4

嗯嗯，改得好！我会总结经验教训的