刺猬加入『写作小分队』 真心想改掉拖延症 要坚持

Herisson0509

两天作文练习和修改之后，我受益匪浅。
看到自己还有很多方面要完善，就做了小总结，以便帮助自己有针对性的进步：
1.标点后必须有空格，否则视为语法错误。在今后的写作中要去习惯。
2.拼写错误多。以后要多注意。低级错误尽量避免。
3.语法问题大。（看来英语真的退步很多，想写复杂结构句型，却适得其反。）积累常用句型以及长难句，使用正确恰当。
4.完全是中式翻译。要多看范文，学习美式的作文思维。
5.高等词汇极少。日后要多积累词汇量和词组，以及连词。
6.结构性，思路都不够明朗。还是要多看范文，多练。

婷婷connie

呵呵，看到你把几篇文章都又写了一遍，好棒啊，向你学习~

Herisson0509

3.13 独立

Many people believe argue as if it is a general truth that it is more enjoyable to have a job and you work only three days a week with long hours rather than work five days a week with shorter hours. But to be frank, I cannot agree with them. There are numerous reasons why I hold no confidence on them, and I would explore only a few primary ones here.

To begin with, the main problem with this argument is that it is ignorant of the basic fact that overwork would cause a serious effect on people’s health. Owing to the limited energy, long time and plenty of working bring people into severe tiredness. Excess pressures are so harmful for our heatlh that we have to spend much money and time to recuperate. As a consequence, it is very important to assign your time scientifically. Appropriate rest is more beneficial and efficient to finish your task.Take myself as an example, my grade often worse than those usually study because I always stay up by coffee during the end of every term for reviewing examinations.

Futhermore, another reason why I disagree with the above statement is that I believethat our brain could not bear too much assignments in so short time. Scientist says,the daily average work time had better not more than eight hours.At the same time, the error score of work will quickly ascend owing to the limited energy. Then you would be responsible for all mistakes that you once made and spend extra time fixing them. What a great loss to you. In addition, you will be more enjoyable to go shopping or have delicious dinner with colleages after hard-working.

As far as I am concerned, I prefer to work everyday rather than accomplish in a few days. Because daily work make me enrich. To sum up, it is wise to handle proper work with limited energy instead of doing with fast speed.

Crystaljoy

3.13 修改

Many people believe argue as if it is a general truth (it a general truth 原来有点混乱了。可以直接believe A B/ believe that) that it is more enjoyable to have a job and you(删去) work only three days a week with long（longer 跟后面shouter对称） hours rather than work five days a week with shorter hours. But to be frank, I cannot agree with them. There are numerous reasons why I hold no confidence on them, and I would explore only a few primary ones here.
(逻辑很清晰)

To begin with, the main problem with this argument is thatit is ignorant of the basic fact thatoverwork would cause a serious effect on people’s health. Owing to the limited energy, long time and plenty of working (exhausted overwork) bring people into severe tiredness. Excess pressures are so harmful for our heatlh（health） that we have to spend much money and time to recuperate.As a consequence(一般这个词组是表示因果，即上面的原因导致后面的结果), it is very important to assign your time scientifically. Appropriate rest is more beneficial and efficient to finish your task. Take myself as an example, my grade（grades are） often worse than those usually study because (who do some reading every single day although) I always stay up (late) by coffee during (at) the end of every term for reviewing examinations.( to prepare hard for the final examination.)
（这段前面讲加班有害身体健康，后面例子讲不科学分配时间对效果不好，不搭配。建议后面例子用在你下一段观点中。）

Futhermore(Furthermore), another reason why I disagree with the above statement(离得太远了，指代内容不容易找到) is that I believe that our brain could not bear too much assignments in so short （such an intensive. 注意such+N，so+adj）time. Scientist says, the daily average work time had better not more than eight hours.(这句话没有V。建议改成 According to the scientists, the average daily work hour should be no more than eight hours. ) At the same time, the error score (rate) of work will quickly ascend owing to(due to 换一个词) the limited energy. Then you would be responsible for all mistakes that you once made and spend extra time fixing them. What a great loss to you. （！感叹句）In addition, you will be more enjoyable to go shopping or have delicious dinner with colleages（colleges）after hard-working ( a day’s toil).

As far as I am concerned, （To sum up,）I prefer to work everyday rather than accomplish in a few days. Because（，because因为because 只能引导从句） daily work make me enrich (enriches my daily life).To sum up, ( Therefore, ) it is wise to handle proper work with limited energy instead of doing with fast speed. (with more flexibility rather than with intensive arrangement)

现在语言进步很大，注意一个句子一定要有V。

还要提醒你注意文章content，写之前想好point, 举得例子要支持段首观点。加油加油~~~这么认真会进步很快的哦~！

加油加油~~~这么认真会进步很快的哦~！

Herisson0509

3.13 修改

Many people believe argue as if it is a general truth (it a general truth 原来有点混乱了。可以直接believe A B/ believe that) that it is more enjoyable to have a job and you(删去) work only three days a week with long（longer 跟后面shouter对称） hours rather than work five days a week with shorter hours. But to be frank, I cannot agree with them. There are numerous reasons why I hold no confidence on them, and I would explore only a few primary ones here.
(逻辑很清晰)

To begin with, the main problem with this argument is thatit is ignorant of the basic fact that overwork would cause a serious effect on people’s health. Owing to the limited energy, long time and plenty of working (exhausted overwork) bring people into severe tiredness. Excess pressures are so harmful for our heatlh（health） that we have to spend much money and time to recuperate.As a consequence(一般这个词组是表示因果，即上面的原因导致后面的结果), it is very important to assign your time scientifically. Appropriate rest is more beneficial and efficient to finish your task. Take myself as an example, my grade（grades are） often worse than those usually study because (who do some reading every single day although) I always stay up (late) by coffee during (at) the end of every term for reviewing examinations.( to prepare hard for the final examination.)
（这段前面讲加班有害身体健康，后面例子讲不科学分配时间对效果不好，不搭配。建议后面例子用在你下一段观点中。）

Futhermore(Furthermore), another reason why I disagree with the above statement(离得太远了，指代内容不容易找到) is that I believe that our brain could not bear too much assignments in so short （such an intensive. 注意such+N，so+adj）time. Scientist says, the daily average work time had better not more than eight hours.(这句话没有V。建议改成 According to the scientists, the average daily work hour should be no more than eight hours. ) At the same time, the error score (rate) of work will quickly ascend owing to(due to 换一个词) the limited energy. Then you would be responsible for all mistakes that you once made and spend extra time fixing them. What a great loss to you. （！感叹句）In addition, you will be more enjoyable to go shopping or have delicious dinner with colleages（colleges）after hard-working ( a day’s toil).

As far as I am concerned, （To sum up,）I prefer to work everyday rather than accomplish in a few days. Because（，because因为because 只能引导从句） daily work make me enrich (enriches my daily life).To sum up, ( Therefore, ) it is wise to handle proper work with limited energy instead of doing with fast speed. (with more flexibility rather than with intensive arrangement)

现在语言进步很大，注意一个句子一定要有V。

还要提醒你注意文章content，写之前想好point, 举得例子要支持段首观点。加油加油~~~这么认真会进步很快的哦~！

加油加油~~~这么认真会进步很快的哦~！

-- by 会员 Crystaljoy (2012/3/14 14:44:32)

这两次都被鸟儿姐修改 无比幸运呢  姐 你辛苦啦

提醒一下鸟儿姐 粗心写错一个单词college ---colleague同事 （估计是看花了）

谢谢鸟儿姐的鼓励，我觉得这次进步与模板也有一定的关系，有两个亮点是模板上的。
以后我要把那些好的模板都运用到平时的练习中去，再稍加变动，变成自己的东西。
还有鸟儿姐说的我记住了，下次注意。

Herisson0509

修改过的

Many peoplebelieve that it is more enjoyable to have a job and work only three days a week with longerhours rather than work five days a week with shorter hours. But to be frank, I cannot agree with them. There are numerous reasons why I hold no confidence on them, and I would explore only a few primary ones here.

To begin with, the main problem with this argument is that it is ignorant of the basic fact that overwork would cause a serious effect on people’s health. Owing to the limited energy, exhausted overwork bring people into severe tiredness. Excess pressures are so harmful for our healththat we have to spend much money and time to recuperate.Therefore，it is very important to assign your time scientifically. Appropriate rest is more beneficial and efficient to finish your task.

Furthermore, another reason why I disagree with the main topic is  that  I  believe  that our  brain could  not bear too  much assignments  in such an intensive.（such+N，so+adj）time. According to the scientists, the average daily work hour should be no more than eight hours. At the same time, the error rate of work will quickly ascend due to the limited energy. Then you would be responsible for all mistakes that you once made and spend extra time fixing them. What a great loss to you!Take myself as an example, my grades are often worse than those who do some reading every single day although I always stay late by coffee at the end of every term to prepare hard for the final examination.In addition, you will be more enjoyable to go shopping or have delicious dinner with colleaguesafter a day’s toil.

To sum up,I prefer to work everyday rather than accomplish in a few days. Daily workenriches my daily life.Therefore, it is wise to handle proper work with more flexibility（灵活的）instead of with intensive arrangement)

Herisson0509

3月14日110422 NA

Which kind of universities do you prefer, universities whose graduates can find good jobs or universities where there are famous professors?



When faced with the choice of universities whose graduates can find good jobs or universities where there are famous professors, quite a few would claim that it is of importance to go into universities whose graduates can find good jobs. But others, in contrast, deem the universities where there are famous professors as the premier choice and that is also my point. This quite different view is based on the propensity of following points.

　　

The main reason why I agree with the above statement is that we can learn an abundant number of knowledge from the famous professors. A celebrity is so called due to what they paid and how hard they were. Therefore,their precious experiences accumulated in such a long time can lead us to the bright future. For instance,one of my friends, a quite common girl when we were young now has a great achievement in the financial world. She told me what influenced her life most is that a lecture about life one of famous professor gave in Peking University.



The second reason can be seen by every person that famous professor also be benefical to get a good job for us. Expect for the valuable experiences, professors are usually so easy-going that we can make friends with them as same as our classmates without any destinations. When we graduate, they could offer available suggesstions about applying to a job and even recommend us to those esbablished corporations almost all the graduates dream for day and night. As the popular saying goes,One Stone Two Birds.

　

To sum up, to choose univerisities is something of a dilemma to all the students because they sometimes are confused by the different advices from teachers, friends and parents. However,for the reasons presented above, I strongly commit to the notion that the university where there are famous professors will benefit me a lot.

婷婷connie

不要着急哦，改完就粘在这~
先占着
红色错误，蓝色疑问，黄色精彩
When faced with（facing不需要加借此） the choice of universities whose graduates can find good jobs or universities where there are famous professors, quite a few would claim that it is of （great/significant） importance to go into universities whose graduates can find good jobs. But others, in contrast, deem the universities where there are famous professors as the premier choice and that is also my point. This quite different view is based on the propensity of following points.
开头写得不错，词汇和句型都到了，表扬一下~
　　

The main reason why I agree with the above statement is that we can learn an abundant number of knowledge from the famous professors. A celebrity is so called due to what they paid and how hard they were. Therefore,their precious experiences accumulated in such a long time can lead us to the bright future. For instance,one of my friends, a quite common girl when we were young（she was young） now has a great achievement in the financial world（field）. She told me what influenced her life most is that a lecture about life,(加一个逗号？) one of famous professor gave in Peking University.



The second reason can be seen by every person that famous professor also be benefical to get a good job for us（favored for us to get employed）. Expect for the valuable experiences, professors are usually so easy-going that we can(are easy to) make friends with them as same as with our classmates without any destinations(destination是目的地的意思，用purpose). When we graduate, they could offer available suggesstions about applying to a job and even recommend us to those esbablished corporations almost all the graduates dream for day and night. As the popular saying goes,One Stone Two Birds.

　

To sum up, to choose univerisities is something of a dilemma to all the students because they sometimes are confused by the different advices from teachers, friends and parents. However,for the reasons presented above, I strongly commit to the notion that the university where there are famous professors will benefit me a lot.
要是有三个主段就好了
conclusion: 进步很快哦，词汇和句式都不错，但结构方面仍需加强，字数略显不够。

Herisson0509

3月15日 101210 NA

Which do you prefer, finishing one project before starting another or doing two or more projects at the same time?

Nowdays, for the sake of enriching colleges life, universities offer many different kinds of curriculums to students. However, depending on personal experience, personality type and emotional concern, we find that some people hold the idea of finishing one project before starting another while others prefer to studing two or more courses at the same time, from my point of view, it is more advisable to learn various knowledge. My arguments for this point are listed as follows.

The main reason for my propensity is that one subject may has a tight connection with owing to the same points. According to a survey delivered by Chinese Educational Institution, the data indicated those related curriculums are helpful for academicians to assimilate the major in university. A particular example for this is my major finance. We often study five or six subjects in each term, such as, finance, accounting, econimic and so on. Usually,we can understand the knowledge of Finance Market from another book named Company Finance.

Another reason can be seen by every one is diverse knowledge enrich our life. It is enjoyable to learn numerous aspects in such intensive time. In the meanwhile, collages would improve the ability to assign time for studying scientifically, which is benefical to their careers after graduation. A good case in this point is that a graduate was promoted to a manager in two years due to the method he copes with problems at the same time appeals to the boss.

Futhermore, what is worth noticing fact is that one project is quite single to us during a period of time. You will soon lose interest in it because one subject is to study what one food is to eat everyday. What a boring life! Whereas,if you have two or more books, make yourself relaxed by reading another when you are tired of one. As the popular saying goes, One Stone Two Birds.

From what has been discussed above,we may reach the conclusion that it is sagacious to choose plenty of courses at the same time.

写的可没有耐心 找不到可以替换的单词 重复了好多 揪心死了

婷婷connie

Which do you prefer, finishing one project before starting another or doing two or more projects at the same time?

Nowdays, for the sake of enriching colleges life, universities offer many different kinds of curriculums to students. However, depending on personal experience, personality type and emotional concern, we find that some people hold the idea of finishing one project before starting another while others prefer to studying two or more courses at the same time（这句话太长了，没有必要复述原题，改成some people are single-project workers while others are multi-taskers.）, (应该改成句号)from my point of view, it is more advisable to learn various knowledge. My arguments for this point are listed as follows.

The main reason for my propensity is that one subject may has a tight connection with owing to the same points. According to a survey delivered by Chinese Educational Institution, the data indicated those related curriculums are helpful for academicians to assimilate the major in university. A particular example for this is my major finance. We often study five or six subjects in each term, such as, finance, accounting, econimic and so on. Usually,we can understand the knowledge of Finance Market from another book named Company Finance.
（最后加一个总结会更好）
Another reason can be seen by every one is diverse knowledge enrich our life. It is enjoyable to learn numerous aspects in such intensive time. In the meanwhile, collages（college students） would improve the ability to assign time for studying scientifically, which is benefical to their careers after graduation(future careers). A good case in this point is that a graduate was promoted to a manager in two years due to the method he copes with(补充：tackle/handle) problems at the same time appeals to the boss(这句话是想表达什么意思呢？).

Futhermore, what is worth noticing fact （感觉很怪,换成more notable？）is that one project is quite single to us during a period of time. You will soon lose interest in it because one subject is to study is what one food is to eat everyday（这个句式貌似是这样的A to B is what C to D）. What a boring life! Whereas,if you have two or more books, make yourself relaxed by reading another when you are tired of one. As the popular saying goes, One Stone Two Birds.

From what has been discussed above,we may reach the conclusion that it is sagacious to choose plenty of courses at the same time.

conclusion:每个主段后面加一句话呼应该段的TS
                   是不是感觉字数不够?细节还能再展开些，比如写金融专业那段，之后可以谢谢通过company finance学market finance的轻松。
                   第二个主段的观点和后面的例子接不上，前面说的是多元化知识丰富了我们的生活，但是下面却是在说科学地安排时间，可以把TS改成 doing several projects helps us assign our time more scientifically.