jessie的作文帖

loverony713

echosun2002 发表于 2014-9-23 19:59
20年后人们有更多的休息时间
Have you ever imagined what life will be in the 20 years？With the develo ...

20年后人们有更多的休息时间
Have you ever imagined what life will be in the 20 years？With the development of technology and the delegation of responsibilities(?), people have been enjoying more easy(easier) and quick(quicker) life than ever before. It is universally acknowledged that as time goes by, people will explore every avenue forward,(?) advanced technology and division of labor(?) based on specialization.(你这几个并列没太懂....) Thus there is no doubt that people will have much more leisure time in the future.

First and foremost, owning to such(前面最好有例子 可是你的都在上一段了 不太好) progressive technology, people will dramatically enhance the productivity and efficiency in 20 years, as a result(我记得不是连词 前面应该加个and吧), they could spend more time on recess(意思不对 有更多休息时间是结果 不是你主动花时间的地方) than the counterparts are doing(和前面的时间状语不一样) now. With the invention of the latest printing technology, which is called 3D, the production processes(太中式翻译了吧..) of a bicycle part have been shortened(时间被缩短了) to one third of the(time)对比的是生产所用的时间 traditional processes. As printing technology is more and more sophisticated, there is reason to believe that in the 20 years, the production of processes of a bicycle part could simplify to a greater degree.(基本在重复前面的话 没啥意义) So simplified(我赶脚着不能这样用吧 感觉只能放adj表语) are the processes that people who produce bicycles could reduce tremendous working time and have more rests. Moreover, in the past, we had to spend 24 hours travelling from Nanjing to Beijing by train, in contrary, nowadays, we just need 4 hours to go to Beijing from Nanjing by high-speed rail. In the future, the speed of rail could reach to 700 kilometers an hour, at that time, people might use 2 hours from Nanjing to Beijing（两个地点出现次数太多了- -）. Then, there could be much more time saving for relaxation. People could roam the street, tasting delicious snack and enjoying delightful landscape. How pleasure they could be! 因为高铁--->休息时间长 感觉有点别扭。而且我觉得你应该从效率提高角度说这个问题  效率提高--->休息时间增多了  我是这样想的.....怎么感觉没有表达出来意思....

Meanwhile, in the future, the division of labor will be more professional and detailed(工作细分 好像不是这样说的吧) which enableS people to reduce time spending on domestic chores. Every day after my work, I have to buy my own groceries and cook for my family, （连词）we prefer to have dinner at home since home affords us more privacy and calm environment than restaurant, （新的一句话）after dinner, my husband is bound to wash the dishes and clean the kitchen. How we are eager to indulge ourselves in watching TV or listening to music.（没太懂 反问句？） In the 20 years, due to（加名词） appeal more customers, groceries or restaurants are supposed to supply cooked dishes so that people could save cooking time to have some entertainment. 有点跑题 和groceries没啥关系

这一段你发现你几乎没放在重点么？首先你得工作细分--->做家务时间减少 有点不太好理解 其次你得说出来做家务减少能导致休息时间增多。还有 你的论述应该围绕如何细分工作的 导致最后的结果。其他的可以不说。例子不够典型生动
In a conclusion, I believe that 20 years later, by state-of-the-art equipment and optimization of labor resources, people could have more rest and amusement.

amylala3

一个大学为了吸引好学生，花很多钱给学生组织社会实践

When it comes to the issue that whether a university issupposed to spend lots of money on organizing social practice in order toappeal excellent students, people have different opinions, (应为句号，句子有点长，长句子不错可是这个句子没亮点就显得冗长)some agree with thepreference of social practice while the others think that good students willpay more attention to teacher resources and academic ranking. On a personallevel, I consider that whether（or not） a university should expense on social practiceactually depends on the situation.

On one hand, in(for) the sake of attracting outstanding businessstudents, there is no doubt that a university ought to invest in organizingsocial practice. As we all know, there is no better way to foster businesssense than to participate in commercial activities in society. Only learningbusiness theories, students cannot obtain completely concept of business andenhance their ability of analyzing. I was a business student, what I learnedfrom professors was the theoretical knowledge, explanations of all economicphenomenon and business cases in the past. Not until I began to work 少逗号did Irealize that requirements of clients are so various that I cannot deal withthem just depending on what I had learned in the university. If I had takenpart in some social practices, I would have learned more about business andaccumulated more experiences. Moreover, social practice will afford moreopportunities for students to communicate with people in formal ways. The abilityof efficient communication plays（is比较好，或play a role） an essential ingredient in business, forbusiness are in fact negotiations among people with differentperspectives.

On the other hand, according to（根据？你是想说“对于”吧？） students of sciences, nothingis more important than research laboratories which have advanced apparatus. Onthe contrary, social practice has a slight influence on their study. Becausesciences students concentrate on scientific research, they will spend a wealthof time in laboratories. My brother learned botany, he told me that when heobserved cell splitting, the accuracy of microscope straightly influenced thequality of the experiment. The more precise the microscope is, the moreaccurate the data will be generated. However, students on sciences could nottake advantage of social practice to enhance abilities of scientific research. Asa consequence, to appeal more elite in sciences, a university should beconcerned about scientific research and spare no effort to build a laboratorywith international advanced level.
In conclusion, I believe that whether a university shouldinvest in social practices to fascinate great students really depends on whatthe students focus on.（仓促哈，升华一下比较好，这样的结尾纵然不扣分，也不会加分的）
挺好的，没啥错误，如果是限时30分打出来的那就很棒哈哈。但是最大的问题是折中式也要有偏重点，而且段落过少，每条观点都只有一个理由作支撑，这样一定会被判为论证不足的，一旦被判为论证不足，作文分就会在21上下波动。建议买些作文书看吧，多多模仿一下范文哈，最后这篇作文单词level没上去哈，我也考完GMAT了，GMAT不考单词，但是托福单词很重要。

echosun2002

恩，多谢亲的细心修改，我感觉多看些范文确实有必要，另外词汇量的确小，很多时候都不知道怎么表达，唉，还有一个月，加油吧

echosun2002

most people do not count on government for help because theythink that it is always better to either do things on their own or to ask forhelp from their family.

If you are confronted with a obstacle, where would you like to search for help? When it comes to such an issue, people have different opinions. Most people will prefer to deal with by themselves or find help from family members rather than depend on government. On a personal level, I totally agree with this view. The reasons are presented below.
First and foremost, one of the primary reasons why people couldn't rely on government to deal with their own problems is that the government  serves as an administrator of a country. It has so many kinds of problems to resolve, including international commerce, unemployment rate, the development of economy , conservation of resources and so on. How could you look forward it to help you solve your private matters? Moreover, government takes charge of the benefits of all people in a country, optimizing the allocation of resources. When an individual asks it for help, it is hard for the government to decide whether or not to give help. Because the decision that does good to some people might does harm to the others. Owning to the responsibility of government, in searching a help from it that is, plenty have tried, but few have succeeded.
On the contrary, people could always obtain selfishness help from family members or overcome difficulties by their own. There is no denying that we all are likely to confront varieties of obstacles in our lifetime, and the most efficient way to resolve them is to depend on family members or their own power. Taking my sister for instance, last year, she unfortunately encountered a fatal accident when driving on the highway. For the sake of saving her, our family took her to the best hospital in Beijing. So expensive is the treatment that she almost cannot afford a fraction of the cost. At this moment, all of my family members do our utmost to contribute to the cost of therapy. Thanks to our concerted efforts, my sister has recovered totally after a year of treatment. If she counted to the help of government, she would have missed the best treatment opportunity.
Granted, when people face some difficulties that are encountered by most people such as pollution of the air, natural hazards and so forth, they could totally search for help from the government. Meanwhile, government will explore every avenue toward resolutions. However, given some private affairs, people should spare no effort to deal with such obstacles.
Contemplating all of these factors, we could easily reach a reasonable conclusion that people are supposed to either resolve problems by themselves or seek help from their family rather than depend on government. As a result, the society will become more and more harmony.

angla

thanks very much

echosun2002

谢谢美眉细心的修改，我去找个高级词汇背一下，不然老是用不到。

echosun2002

business to successful, must put more money in advertising.

Plenty have tried, but few have succeeded, in establishing a business that is. So we just have to wonder what is the key factors leading to a successful business? Some people argue that to make business successful. People must spend more money on advertising. On a personal level, I quite disagree with this opinion. In fact, the key factor of a successful business is dependent on the stage of a business. The different stage when a business is in requires a corresponding key factor. The reasons are presented below.
First and foremost, When a business is initiated, the quality of the products or services plays most vital role in successful business. At this time, most customers are not familiar with the products or services afforded by this business. For the sake of good reputation, the business ought to do its utmost to elevate the quality of products or services. Taking my brother's company for an instance, his factory is adept at producing efficient light bulb. However, at the initial time, no one was inclined to buy his bulb. So he decided to supply free trial to these targeted customers such as office building, garage and so forth. After a month, these targeted customers found that these efficient light bulbs have not only great qualities but also good commands of electrical energy conservation. As a result, they all became loyal customers of my brother's bulb.
What's more, in a mature stage of a business, the most important way to maintain success is to continuously innovate. The ability of creating is a main driving force behind competence. Although iphone has occupied the major market of smart phone, Apple always spares no effort to innovation. In 2014, it developed a new kind of product--- iphone 6 plus, in order to rival with Sumsung in the market of large screen smart phone.
Granted, there is no denying that advertising is a necessary method in successful business. By advertising, a company can enable more and more people know about its chop. However, at bottom a successful advertisement is based on the guarantee of superior quality and ingenuity. Without high quality products and creativity, a company will never receive continued success even if it puts more and more money in advertisement.
Contemplating all of these factors, we can easily reach a reasonable conclusion that only focusing on productivity and creativity could a business acquire constant success. So important are these two key factors that all of the businesses are supposed to concentrate on them.

ForTheAC

9.28 独立修改

echosun2002

这个题目是花更多的钱在广告上，我是想表达商业初期最重要的是产品质量，商业成熟期最重要的是创新，都不是广告，不过你说的对，应该在每一段都提一下和广告的对比神马的会更清晰，非常感谢！

echosun2002

TOPIC: your job has more effect on your happiness than your sociallife does

ESSAY:

So precious is happyness that all people in the world arecontinuously seeking for it. When it comes to the cause of happiness, peoplehave a variety of opinions, on a personal level, I select to believe that thereis no better way to obtain happiness than to work hard and gain success. In theother word, I agree that my job has more positive influence on my happiness thanmy social life does.

First and foremost, so of cheerfulness, the more it is given,the more it remains. My job is to analyze customers' financial data andrecommend suitable financial products to them, that is to say, I am responsiblefor helping my customers resolve problems. Last month, one of my customersasked me to help his overseas company get a loan from abroad banks, however theoverseas company does not have any real estate which is a prerequisite toobtain loan from any abroad banks. In order to solve this obstacle, I analyzedall policies of credit commitment in my bank. Finally, I suggested that thecustomer open an letter of financial guarantee from a domestic bank and gainloan from an abroad bank using this guarantee as a collateral. The customersuccessfully copes with such problem because of my advice. This project gave meimmense euphoria. In the contrary, when I undergo some social life such aschatting with my friends, I feel comfort and easy, however, I can't experiencethe same happiness as that in my job.

What's more, through my job, my co-workers become my friends,merging social life and work life into one. After graduation, most of myfriends are my co-workers. When facing up to tremendous pressure in the work,we together rise to the occasion and tough it out; When achieving huge success,we embrace each others, laughing and jumping like kids; After working, it iscustomary for us to go to a bar nearby workplace, drinking beer with the guys.Thanks to my co-workers, I have so much immortal happiness from within.

Granted, social life plays a crucial role in gaininghappiness since people are prone to living in groups. However, people are usedto lose track of time when they participate in social activities. For instance,people tend to be addicted to playing video games with friends, as aconsequence, they usually regret for wasting valuable time.

Contemplating all these factors, we could easily reach to aconclusion that in comparison to social life, my job plays a more importantrole in making happiness. Not only does my job bring me a cheerful mood butalso it contains various social life.