TOEFL Writing 每天进步贴

JanetYellen

jay871750293 发表于 2014-3-18 19:50
亲，不好意思，这么晚才改好...
btw，要努力向LZ学习！！！

jay大神，早在阅读小分队时我已对您仰慕已久，之后，您弃我们而去，缘悭一面，没想到在这里碰见您==+~，希望您多多提点，对我的作文要加把关！

JanetYellen

Vicky94 发表于 2014-3-18 11:00
不好意思 我昨晚生病就睡早了 没看到 中午给你传上来

谢谢 Vicky，祝早日康复~

JanetYellen

jay871750293 发表于 2014-3-18 19:50
亲，不好意思，这么晚才改好...
btw，要努力向LZ学习！！！

我又批注了一下其中的问题。：）

jay871750293

hi, janet, 感觉得到你对写作很用心，相信一定可以顺利拿下T写作！

一起努力吧~

JanetYellen

3.18
独立写作 A\D For a business to be successful, more money must be put in advertising.

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In this day and age, many businesses put a considerable amount of money into the advertising sector because they think advertising can make themselves known for lots of people, and then, these people will buy their products. This traditiional model of thinking is short of further considerations. As far as I'm concerned, granted, advertising is indispensable for a business, it is not true that more money a company spent on advertisements, more possible it will be sucessful.
First, adversiting, as part of an overall promotional strategy for a company, is just one tool to promote products. Thus, the promotional effect of advertising is so limited. For example, Lehman Brother is a global-known investment bank which puts a huge amount of money in advertising sector. Whereas, in 2008, because of making too many sub-prime mortgages, Lehman Brother was ultimately forced into bankruptcy, causing a disaterous loss to consumers. Therefore, in a long term, the quality of products should be put in the first place and be made a huge investment rather than the advertising.
Second, a good advertisement is precise-positioned instead of money-wasted. Just like the advertising of Apple company, whose advertisement is designed to wake the inner demand of people and futher tell these customers that the Apple's product can meet this demand. Compared with Apple company, others solely implant repeated superficial praise into their advertisements, and force their potential customers to memorize their products. Obviously, the smart design of the advertisement of Apple company brings it substantial profit. Hence, although the amount of money one company throws into the advertising can spawn certain effect, such effect is not decisive.
Thrid, the quality of products is the best advertisement. Undeniably, a money-devoted advert can appeal some customers at the first time, however, if the quality of the product can not be guranteed, the business still can not make money. Here is a case in point, the product made from Germany is known for the high quality. The television in my home is a German brand. It has accompanied my family for 10 years and the truth is that it still functions well. Therefore, whether a business can be successful depends on the quality of the product rather than the money devoted into advertisements.
All in all, the success of a business relies on many factors instead of only the advertising part. Thus, business should comprehensively consider all involved elements and make a prudent decision.                                         

JanetYellen

3-18 托福综合 TPO 25
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The reading passage mainly deals with the issue of the function of the clay jar and argues that this jar is little possible to function as electric batteries in ancient times. The professor explores the same issue. Whereas, she holds a different opinion regarding this issue and below are her three points.
First, the author contends that there are short of necessary conductors to produce electricity. The professor controdicts that point and argues that the clay jar was found by the local people, who have little archaeology knowledge. Thus, it is very possible that these fresh man overlooked some important materials such as the metal wire or something functions like that.
Second, the reading passage argues that the copper cylinders found inside the jars play the same role of holding scrolls as those in ancient Seleucia. The professor disagrees with that point and states that this similarity can prove nothing because the original design of this cylinder is probably for holding scrolls, and later, people may find some other functions like producing electricity. Besides, it's very common that one thing originally invented for one purpose and later for another.
Third, the author thinks that it is useless for ancient people to use electricity. The professor refutes this point and provides two possible uses. The first use is to convice people by controlling this invisible power. And the second one is healing.
In a nutshell, the professor convincingly contradicts the author's three points and proves that this hypotheses made by the author is incorrect.

chushidefeng

独立修改   不好意思，现在才发给你~

JanetYellen

chushidefeng 发表于 2014-3-19 23:24
独立修改   不好意思，现在才发给你~

非常感谢defeng的认真批改，帮我找到了很多值得注意的错误。

打字太快了容易出现错词，这个老毛病需要改！！！
句子的整体把握性还不够强，需要继续分析句子结构！！！
对于一些词的用法还很欠缺，恶补！！！

另外，我查了下instead of 后是可以接adj.的，只要前后词语的词性一致即可。

JanetYellen

3-18 独立 总结：

1.the more, the better 结构。
2.whereas 用于句内对比，而非句间对比。
3.对形容词的掌握数量有欠缺！！！
4.在进一步提升打字速度的同时，也要稳定正确率！
5.对于idiom的正确掌握。
6.句子结构的清晰和完整！

psychoarya

你的我晚上帮你改，抱歉！