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其实都不算是作文。只是两篇随手写的日志。
经过美国友人的修改，发现原文写的实在惨不忍睹。
即便反复告诉他这两篇不过是随手写的流水账日记，美国友人还是一直强调“写作的结构”和“运用书面语言”。
可见，美式思维里对于写作的基本态度和评判标准。
废话少说，大家自己对照看下原文与修改后的文章，你会受到许多启发！
NO.1原文
Today is the Mid-Autumn Festival. A very traditional festival for people celebrating the harvest and enjoying family time.
Almost half residents in our building back to their hometown in this short vacation.
Because not so many apartment have lights on tonight.
I called my mun this morning to wish her happy Mid-Autumn festival.
Unfortuantely, I got some bad news about my grandmother.
My mun told me she is very sick since couple days before.
They are all going to the countryside where my grandmother is living to visit her.
I really hope she will get better. My grandmother is such a kind-hearted, warm, courteous, generous old lady.
As 82 years old, she has been through a lot. But she is always optimistic, positive and open-mind.
My mun always saying she admire my grandmother so much, she doesn't think she can be as good as my grandmother in terms of a lots things. For example, be positive and open-minded.
Of course, there are some good things happened today. One of these is I got my Hongkong permit this afternoon when I already gave up and found another illegal way that my friend told me to get into Hongkong tomorrow.
Mike seems happier than me, because he was worried about that "illegal way" will cause trouble for us.
Yes, he is a such cute and timid guy. I still remember he was so scared if there were cops near by during the time when he hasn't got his working visa yet.
No.1被修改后
Today is the Mid-Autumn Festival; a traditional festival for Chinese people celebrating the harvest and enjoying family time. During this short festival, almost half of the residents in our building went back to their hometown. I am aware of this because there aren’t many apartments with lights tonight. After taking a long shower this morning, I called my mum to wish her a happy Mid-Autumn festival. Unfortunately, I got some bad news about my grandmother. My mum told me she has been very sick since couple days before. They are all going to the countryside where my grandmother is living to visit her. I really hope she will get better.
My grandmother is such a kind-hearted, warm, courteous, generous old lady. As 82 years old, she has been through a lot. But she is always optimistic, positive and open-mind. My mum is always saying she admires my grandmother quite a lot.
Of course, there were some good things that happened today. After waiting for almost two weeks, I finally received my Hong Kong visa this afternoon. I had given up on receiving it, especially since a friend had already suggested an illegal way to go to Hong Kong without a visa. Mike seems relieved because he doesn’t have to illegally go to Hong Kong with me. Yes, he is such a cute and timid guy. I still remember when he didn’t have his working visa, he would get nervous at the sight of the police.
备注：被修改后的文章里删除了原文里的一句话“My mom doesn't think she can be as good as my grandmother in terms of a lots things. For example, be positive and open-minded.” 因为美国友人说这句话看不懂也实在不知道怎么修改...
No.2 原文
I haven’t got up early for a long time. I set my goal from “get up at 6:30” to “get up at 7:00”, but I still can’t achieve it. For example, I got up at 7:39 this morning, even though I heard my alarm ringed several time since 6:50. It makes me frustrated when I finally get up and find out that I overslept again and again. Get up early is just a small thing, why I can’t just do it?!
With frustration, I started my day.
The first task: review English words for 25 minutes.
It was going quite good. I fully concentrated on it, and finished it in an effectively way.
It is a good start, kind of cheer me up for a little bit.
However the “calling apple customer service” thing in the next completely destroyed my day.
I have been waiting on line for almost one hour, finally someone picked it up, but she kept saying she can’t hear me though I was speaking very loudly. And then she hand up on me! I got pissed of badly. I have to spend another hour to get through this stupid customer service line. Actually the truth is even worse! I have been waiting for another 2 hours already, but there is still no one on the phone!
It’s so ridiculous! They are the one who made a mistake, but I am the one who are suffering from their mistake and even suffering from solving the problem.
Maybe I get too emotional this morning. It is bad for my health and it makes me can’t think straight. I find it is so hard to calm down to do other things. What worse is, my emotional behavior will affect people who are around me. I feel sorry.
No.2 被修改后
I haven’t gotten up early in such a long time. My initial goal was to wake up at 6:30AM, then I moved it to 7:00AM, but I still couldn’t achieve my goal. I woke up at 7:39 this morning, even though I heard my alarm go off around 6:50AM. When I finally woke up, I realized I had overslept again. I became frustrated because I think waking up early is such a small thing, but yet I can’t bring myself to do it.
My first task this morning was to review my English vocabulary words for 25 minutes, which went quite well. I fully concentrated on it, and finished it in an effective manner. It was a good start, and it cheered me up for a little bit.
My second task this morning was to call the apple customer service regarding a refund. I was kept on hold for almost one hour before someone finally answered. Although I was speaking very clearly, the customer service woman who answered the phone kept saying she couldn’t hear me. And then, she hung up the phone which got me badly pissed off. It’s so ridiculous! They made the mistake, but I am the one who is dealing with the consequences.
Maybe I have gotten too emotional this morning. It is bad for my health, and it doesn’t make me think straight. I find it difficult to calm down, and focus on other things. Even worse, my emotional behavior has affected people who are around me. I feel so sorry.
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发表于 2013-9-26 13:53:17
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