新人第一篇issue求拍

leesuin826

题目：
Educationalinstitutions should actively encourage their students to choose fields of studyin which jobs are plentiful.
第一次写issue，三个小时，折磨死了。感觉就是一句话翻来覆去的说。

Employment rate isa practical issue for both educational institutions and students. Forinstitutions, a prominent employment rate will no doubt boost the reputation ofschool and therefore makes it more attractive to excellent prospectivestudents. Students, on the other hand, would be benefited the most from adecent job right after graduation. It seems like that a job availabilitytargeted education could be a win-win choice.

Nowadays, it isquiet normal to have student loan for a college student. The main reason lies inthe fact that the tuition for college is becoming incredibly high. And mostAmerican family simply cannot afford it, at least for all of their children.Unlike top one who can be supported by scholarship, most students do not haveanother option to finish their college except student loan. When it comes tochoose a field, one can imagine that those in-debt students would be morecareful and pay much attention for the future job availability. The easier theycould find a job, the quicker they can pay off all the debts. Therefore, theprofessional advice from education institution is exactly what they need.

Employment doesn’tonly help student, it is also essential for our society. Each job opening meansa shortage of a specific skillful person which is needed for company’sdevelopment. By gathering all these openings together, we will find a largepicture about our society’s demand for specialties. Filling the needs byeducating and training qualified candidates is just like transferring thematching blood to a patient in surgery. The fresh blood will help our societyto become more energetic and powerful. Hence, educational institutions shouldguide students toward the right direction, and help them find their rightposition in the society in the future.

Surely, it is hardto predict the employment market with the rapid developing today. As misleadingand false information could be dangerous and vital sometimes, one may arguethat do educational institutions have the very ability to catch the movement ofemployment market, and draw the right conclusion? So far, colleges anduniversities are functioning as a bridge, connecting student and their futureemployer. If there is one suitable and qualified institution can accomplishthis task, that would be educational institution which has the source to gatherinformation from all kinds of employers and the ability to educate studentstoward these specific fields.

There after, educationalinstitutions should encourage student to choose fields of study in which jobsare plenty. As doing so, students would not to wander around numerous majorsbefore enrollment, and simply focus on the most valuable fields which mean aneasier start after graduation and a brighter future. At the same time, thesociety could benefit the most from qualified and ready to serve new workerswhich will accelerate the developing.

普渡哥

写的挺好的。可以更多引用下题目，比如说 I agree with the statement..

竹林中人

你的语言功底很好，这绝对对你后面的训练提高有很大帮助。不过这不是一篇很正式的Issue吧，有几个小问题商讨下：
1.第一段里面，你简单分析了下就业的重要，但你没有给出自己对题目所给建议或者政策的观点和态度。你用的 是It seems like。
2.中间段落，你的分论点一定要有的 ，而且一般放在段首。
3.你的论述一定要集中在话题范文内，这个建议好在哪里，如果实施又有什么不好的地方，在可行性和实施后果方面予以阐述。
4.所有的题目里面有个write a  response的一段话，写的时候要好好注意下，尤其是第二句话，对你要怎么写有很重要的指导作用，这也是OG 上ETS对AW的要求。

leesuin826

普渡哥 发表于 2013-7-4 12:16
写的挺好的。可以更多引用下题目，比如说 I agree with the statement..

谢谢鼓励！我好好看看

leesuin826

竹林中人 发表于 2013-7-4 19:14
你的语言功底很好，这绝对对你后面的训练提高有很大帮助。不过这不是一篇很正式的Issue吧，有几个小问题商 ...

恩，谢谢宝贵的意见
我在写之前，看了下范文，看人家没有那种开头结尾的套话，就是咱们说的模板什么的。所以就直接写了，跟写散文式的。
看来，必要的条条框框还是有帮助的，
我是采取，正，正，反-驳反，这种结构的。内容第三段，提出了一个不足点，作为让步，之后又驳斥。
再加上些观点句，让结构更明显

竹林中人

leesuin826 发表于 2013-7-5 04:03
恩，谢谢宝贵的意见
我在写之前，看了下范文，看人家没有那种开头结尾的套话，就是咱们说的模板什么的。 ...

额，范文的形式是很灵活，但观点还是有的。

leesuin826

竹林中人 发表于 2013-7-5 08:25
额，范文的形式是很灵活，但观点还是有的。

恩，以后注意