[求助]My 1st TWE001 essay－>pumpkin修改标题，见谅

ljiaxi

第一篇,没卡时间,写了近两个小时,自己已经修改过了,想听听大家的意见,希望各
位不吝赐教,谢谢.

Topic 1.

People attend college or university for many different reasons (for
example, new experiences, career preparation, increased knowledge). Why
do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons
and examples to support your answer.

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Consider the similarity between the words 'university' and 'universe',
we can image hw various things a university can give. One can obtain
lots of knowledge, get prepared for his career, gain more experiences,
and make new friends. In a word, people attend college or university
for preparation of their future life.

First of all, students can obtain more knowledge. University is a great
source of wisdom. It provides diverse choices for students who are
eager to increase their knowledge. It also furnishes facilities, such
as laboratories, libraries, computer centers, local area network and so
on, which give students massive support to enlarge their sight and keep
their mink synchronized to the world's current. Additionally, there are
an army of learned people gathered in university, whose intelligence
forms an academic atmosphere in which one can feel the aroma of wisdom.

Secondly, students can gain more experiences by enduring a college life.
Many of the students' hometown are far away from their universities.
Not only should they finish their academic tasks properly, but also
they should learn how to live more independently and how to manage their
time to find a balance between school assignments and the diversity
of college life.

Thirdly, students can make new friends. In my part, one of the most
important reasons that why a college life is the golden period through
one's whole life is that you are able to be acquainted with some people
who have the same interests and build a evergreen friendship.

Besides, students can learn how to cooperate with others. It is inevitable
to live with strangers. Though it is not quite comfortable at first
probably because of people's distinct habits and interests, one should
adjust himself to the new ambience since he will surely meet more
strangers when he steps out of university. Abilities like being tolerant
and communicating with others will be vital to students, which they can
derive from their college life.

Students can obtain more knowledge, gain more experiences, make new
friends and learn how to cooperate with others. Therefore, a university
life is meaningful to students' future.

Veronica_Melody

Consider the similarity between the words 'university' and 'universe',
we can image hw (spelling??) various things a university can give. (the first sentence doesn't make much sense, and it doesn't relate to your topic). One can obtain lots of knowledge, get prepared for his (his or her) career, gain more experiences, and make new friends. In a word, people attend college or university
for preparation of their future life.

First of all, students can obtain more knowledge. University is a great
source of wisdom. (Wording, University is a great source to obtain wisdom) It provides diverse choices for students who are eager to increase their knowledge.  It also furnishes facilities, such as laboratories, libraries, computer centers, local area network and so on, which give students massive support to enlarge their sight and keep their mink synchronized (WORDING) to the world's current (CURRENT?? ) . Additionally, there are an army ( A MASSIVE AMOUNT?) of learned people gathered in university, whose intelligence
forms an academic atmosphere in which one can feel the aroma of wisdom.

Secondly, students can gain more experiences by enduring a college life.
Many of the students' (MANY STUDENTS') hometown are far away from their universities.
Not only should they finish their academic tasks properly, but also
they should learn how to live more independently and how to manage their
time to find a balance between school assignments and the diversity
of college life.  (AND THE DIVERSE COLLGE LIFE)

Thirdly, (FURTHERMORE) students can make new friends. In my part, (PART? YOUR EXPERIENCE)?? one of the most important reasons that why a college life is the golden period through (IN)
one's whole life is that you are able to be acquainted with some people
who have the same interests and build a evergreen (EVERLASTING) friendship. (THIS SENTENCE IS A BIT TOO LONG, BREAK IT UP INTO SHORTER SENTENCE)

Besides, students can learn how to cooperate with others. It is inevitable
to live with strangers. Though it is not quite comfortable at first
probably because of people's distinct habits and interests, one should
adjust himself (HIM OR HERSELF)_ to the new ambience since he will surely meet more
strangers when he steps out of university. Abilities like being tolerant
and communicating with others will be vital to students, which they can
derive from their college life.

Students can obtain more knowledge, gain more experiences, make new
friends and learn how to cooperate with others. Therefore, a university
life is meaningful to students' future.

COMMENTS:

1. TO ME, IT'S LIKE YOU'VE TRASLATING CHINESE INTO ENGLISH.
2. A LOT OF WRONG CHOICES OF USING THE VOCABULARIES.
3. SEVERAL LONG SENTENCES, YOU MAY WANT TO BREAK THEM INTO A COUPLE OF SMALLER ONES. EXTENDED LONG SENTENCE SHOWS YOUR INABILITY TO MAKE THE POINT RIGHT AWAY
4. NICE STRUCTURE, THERE ARE A LOT MORE TRANSITIONAL WORDS YOU MAY CONSIDER TO USE, (E.G. FURTHERMORE, MOREOVER, IN ADDITION, TO SUM UP, IN CONCLUSION, )


GOOD JOB AND GOOD LUCK!

ljiaxi

thank you very much