邮件求助：托福不够录取要求，想发邮件过去问，但是邮件写的很胶着，求助！！！

袋袋

各位亲，托福不够100分，但是以前看了有2个托福要求高于100的学校，想发邮件过去仔细说一下自己的情况，看看有没有被录取的希望，如果得到的答复有希望，然后就继续申请。但是由于作文写得一塌糊涂，而且没怎么个学校发过邮件，所以不晓得怎样写比较得体，合适。在这里把自己的草稿贴出来，希望大家多多给点建议。谢谢大家啦！！！（原文贴在2楼）

PS：真心希望大家都进来帮我一下，不会写邮件的伤不起。我很希望这个改好了，在论坛里面为以后刚刚看是着手申请并且对发邮件不熟悉的童鞋有些参考价值。

袋袋

Dear admission officer,

My name is XXX, a prospectiveinternational applicant of XXX’s Master of accountancy. I have been veryinterested in this program since I planned go abroad to study. Actually I have beenapplied for your program in March. I have sent my official GMAT score and allpaper material the program required, and nearly completed my online applicationat that time. However, because of my TOFEL score did not meet your minimumrequirement, I retook TOFEL test on March 17th, and sent my officialTOFEL score at the same time the test result came out via ETS.

Unfortunately, my TOFEL score is 94 thistime which dose not reach your 100 requirement. As a result, I did not keepingon finishing my application. However, after intensive struggle within myself, Ifounded that I want to study in this program so much that I decided to not giveup just because of my TOFEL score. This is the reason I write this e-mail. I want tointroduce a little more about my background and would you please spare a fewminutes to I will finish my application even if there is a little chance ofadmission.(这个地方不晓得怎么说合适。。。)

Except my TOFEL weakness, I think all otherbackgrounds shows that Ideserve your excellent MSA program. （这句话有点别扭）

I got 730/96% in my GMAT test. This shows myexcellent ability of critical thinking and comprehension, which is the majorguarantee of completing a world-level master of accountancy successfully likeyours. In addition, it demonstrates my enormous potential and intellect, whichare of much help in solving my language problem.

I finished my undergraduate study majoringin Financial Management in Southwestern University of Finance and Economics.This university has been known as “China’s Bank of Financial Talents” and “theThinking Tank for Financial and Economic Matters in Western China”. My major is an interdisciplinary field which combinesaccounting and finance. The curriculum of my major includes the core class ofboth financial and accounting，and I have a strong basicknowledge in both. (这种经历对于学习你们的项目很有帮助，因为你们也重视金融的背景，我想加上这一句，还没有写成英文)

In academic, I got a 3.5 GPA and 5 timesscholarships in my undergraduate study; in my part time, I learnt ACCA all bymyself and passed 8 papers, took 2 internships, one is an accountant intern ina manufacturing company and the other is an audit intern in a government auditorganization, and joined many kinds of extra-curricular activities inuniversity.

What a good GPA means to finish a graduate study is self-evident, andthus I want to illustrate the advantage I take in my ACCA study.(别人改成：An excellent GPA andinternship reflects my well-training on both academic research and cooperation.I want to illustrate another advantage I take in my ACCA study.) This experience not only improves my ability of independentlearning and time management, but also will help me do better in my study in US graduateschool because the English textbooks and the international accountingsframework I learnt.

All the achievement I made in myundergraduate period are closely related to my hard working and the reason ofmy hard working is that I want to become an excellent professional inaccounting and run an accounting firm which specifically provides service forbusiness starters of college graduates. This is why I want to join in your MSAprogram.

Since I graduated, I have been anaccountant in the material department of CAEP (China Academy of EngineeringPhysics). The almost one year working experience makes me more qualify for yourprogram than before. I adapted to my new and first working environment quicklywith my strong learning ability: I did my daily task as an accountantsuccessfully; I took part in the budgeting making of 2013; and I offerinformation the management need via providing them statements and charts theyneed.

Besides research and intern experience, theworking experience endow me knowing exactly what an accountant is, improves myprofession competence, and furthermore teaches me how to apply my knowledgeinto my work. Possessing this ability, I believe I can do a great job instudying this program. In addition, I learn how to communicate effectively inworking and how to do teamwork successfully. All above are very importantqualities of an extraordinary professional leader in accounting industry.(别人的建议：工作细节要描述一些，不要太抽象，比如说处理过什么项目什么的;我觉得我上一段就是细节啊，不晓得是不是我理解的细节还是太抽象了。。。)

However, I have not content with the statusquo because I was puzzled by immature regulation and inefficiency inaccountings. Instead, I want to find a more transparent and effectively way toperform accounting. The bestway is to go to US, keep(keeping) pace with the most advanced accosting theoryall over the world, and be familiar with the companies and accounting firms whohave a good reputation of accounting performance. I think your programcan meet my requirement perfectly, and this is why I want to be admitted inyour program.

With all my statement above, I believe youhave already known my potential and passion in accounting field and my stronginterest of your program. I really need an interview to prove my competence anddetermination in your program. I treasure this chance to apply your program somuch that please let me know if there are other factors which cause you toreject me. I may be able to explain this misunderstanding or repair myweaknesses.

Thanks for reading this letter, and I amlooking forward to your reply.

With all my statements above, I believe youhave already known my potential and passion in accounting field and my stronginterest of your program. I really want to be gave an interview to prove mycompetence and determination in your program, instead of rejected by my TOFELweakness. I am sure you will never regret give me a chance and I believe yourworld class program and one-on-one service for students conception will help merealize all my goals and dreams in my career.

Thanks for reading this letter and I lookforward to your reply.

Best regards,

XXX

袋袋

很多人都说我的信太长了，气质我自己也这样认为。然后有位童鞋给我推荐了这样一个模板：

director你好，我正在申请某某专业某某学位，但同时对贵校著名的某某专业非常感兴趣。接下来占用您几分钟时间。目前我已经拿到了墨尔本大学2年制的某某Master，但美国才是我的梦想神马的。另外我的学生时代的背景是xxxx 工作经验是xxxxx 社团活动方面是xxxx 慈善或信仰方面是xxxx 我将感激不尽，如果您能凭借您的专业经验，指导我是否满足贵校这个专业的学位，我愿意不要奖学金，但如果条件成熟也会申请。请您给我指导，以便我抓紧时间立即提交网申。。。云云 记得把所有语言、成绩单、工作经历、简历和学位证都附件上去给对方。

我觉得这个很好，但是用我的草稿一点也不好改，我也不晓得删减要从何入手。。。
真心求助！！！

妞妞大笨蛋

LZ实话告诉你很多要求100分的地方最后还是录了没过100的。发邮件过去最有可能的回复还是鼓励你申请的。多赚一笔申请费何乐而不为。

袋袋

妞妞大笨蛋 发表于 2013-4-19 17:45
LZ实话告诉你很多要求100分的地方最后还是录了没过100的。发邮件过去最有可能的回复还是鼓励你申请的。多赚 ...

楼上是我意思是我直接申？

妞妞大笨蛋

袋袋 发表于 2013-4-19 18:43
楼上是我意思是我直接申？

如果喜欢可以直接申，因为希望肯定是有的。当然发邮件去聊一下也未尝不可，写太长的邮件除非人家明确给你答复说不行。