ARGU 2恒河猴，求拍求指教

xlr1993

458 words.
顺便求问如何练习提高写作速度。
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写这篇的时候思路不是很明晰，时间拖得也比较长。。。各路大牛见笑了
借用了OG六分范文的开头的起承转合部分当模版，会被判雷同么？



While it may be true that the birth order does influent individual’s levels of stimulation, this author’s argument does not make a cogent case for the controversy as mentioned.  It would be reasonable that the order of birth impacts hormone secretion that might vary levels of stimulation.  However, this argument is rife with holes and assumptions, and thus, not strong enough to justify the conclusion.
The author first exhibits the result of a recent study which displays that firstborn infant monkeys produce up to twice as much of the hormone cortisol as do their young siblings in stimulating situations.  According to this fact the author therefore maintains his argument because such increment of hormone cortisol increases body’s activities levels of monkeys.  However, the reliability of the investigation is supposed to be testified more strictly because numbers of samples is only eighteen and is too slight to be convincing.  Research cannot preclude the possibility that all the eighteen monkeys, who were observed as samples, belong to the same family. And this family, differing from others, holds a unique attribute that firstborn monkeys have higher levels of stimulation than their siblings. Hence the conjecture implied by the study is implausible unless further studies exclude the probability.
In addition, factual factors that firstborn monkeys shows more active activity levels should be considered and checked carefully. The author’s deduction would be invalid if there are other explanations that elaborate the change of stimulation levels. For example, when the firstborn monkey firstly open its eyes there are no brothers or sisters to be the companion but the situation varies to siblings because they does have a older sibling. Therefore the birth environments of infant monkeys are different and the firstborn one have to experience more forlorn life, which could be a determinant of the levels of stimulation.
The last explanation maintained by the author could be more unconvincing. There are not any studies or experiments mentioned by the author that reveals the exact relationship between the stimulation levels of infant monkeys and that of its mother. Thus this consequence cannot attest the correlation between birth sequence and stimulation levels unless specific evidences as stated before are found. Furthermore, this explanation includes an implicit assumption that the higher levels of cortisol of first-time mother monkeys result from the first childbirth. The explication also fails if it is corroboratory that the fear of delivery results in the production of cortisol.
In a nutshell, the argument is not believable as it stands. To make it more credible the author should increase the number of samples and decrease variables of control experiments. Besides, precise relationship between the hormone levels of mother monkey and her kids needs more intensive research to verify the last explanation of the author.

普渡哥

这篇写得挺好的。

In addition, factual factors that firstborn monkeys shows more active activity levels should be considered and checked carefully.

shows 应该是show.

xlr1993

谢谢斑竹的细致阅读，，这个，，我疏忽了，，，