求修改作文 --经济萧条时期政府应削减教育、医疗还是失业投入资金

rainzengling

希望能得到指导----不管你是大牛还是小牛，亦或是与我一样奋战托福的菜鸟    

真诚感谢批评指正的人！


2月6日  作文

During the economic depression, the government should cut down the budget of which of the following? education, health care or unemployment invest.



Over the last few years, most countries, especially the developed ones have been facing economic depression .Most governments are looking for and exploring the most efficient methods policies to boost economic and lower the negative affects that brought by the depression, . Some experts suggest cutting down the education budget , while some insist that the government lower the invest in health care , other people, however, claims for large investment in unemployment. As far as I am concerned, it is rational to choose the second strategy among the three. Several reasons are presented as follows:



To begin with, cutting down education budget is obviously unreasonable. Education is the base of a nation's power, insuring its prosperity and strength.  The development of the economic is always accompanied with advanced technology, which is based on the education system. If the budget of education is decreased, it must negatively affect the innovation of the technology, thus slow down the economic, leading to worse economic depression. Even during the second world war, United Kingdom maintained the largest possibility to support its education,   suggesting that education will never lose its weight in the human history.



Cutting down the unemployment investment is also inadvisable, especially during the economic depression. When a nation or the world encounters economic depression ,  decreased unemployment investment will benefit nobody but only worsen the situation: it will not only negatively affect the stability of the society but also cause larger damage to the economic system. Think about the "Occupy Wall Street" movement, it cost the government hundreds of millions to pacify the participators,  it also caused large numbers of lost in the finance companies to deal with this situation.



Cutting down health care investment from the government is my recommendation. some may criticize me that I don't care about the health of people, that is not my point. That I suggest the decreased investment from the government does not mean the money spent on the health of people will be lower down, the government should adjust its health care policy to balance the budget. One method is to adjust the tax policy , asking the rich for more tax. Another way is to optimize the health care system, leading the insurance company to undertake more of the health cost. There are far more tactics for the government to use to cut down the health care investment from the nation's budget while not hurt people's health.



In fact, any single of the three methods mentioned above will be not sufficient enough to ease the economic depression, because each of them with hurt the basic benefit of people. From my view of point, the best thing government should do is to optimize its management such as health care structure and improve the quality of people's life.

个人点评：

我觉得我写作文深受中国式教育的毒害： 喜欢空讲大道理，不能展开。这个思路没有形成  实际上美国人的逻辑是 要证明一个观点，要拿事实说话! 例子！例子！例子！  如何改进呢？

perfectends

亲，没占座撒？不占座会漏掉批改的啊，下次记得到小分队帖子占个座（占座地址：http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-802202-1-1.html）。这个回头我写完帮你改吧~ 我这两天有事，交稿晚，自己的还没写，应该是明天中午给你批~

rainzengling

多谢楼上提醒  

perfectends

备注：红色--修改；黄色--赞；蓝色--建议

Over the last few years, most countries, especially the developed ones have been facing economic depression .Most governments are looking for and exploring the most efficient methods （感觉多余了）policies to boost economic and lower the negativeaffects(affect是动词) effect that brought by the depression, . Some experts suggest cutting down the education budget, while some insist that the government lower（跟前面的lower有点重复了） the invest in health care , other people, however, claims for large investment in unemployment. As far as I am concerned, it is rational to choose the second strategy among the three. Several reasons are presented as follows:



To begin with, cutting down education budget is obviously unreasonable. ---好像首句只是阐明了立场并没有点名观点。Education is the base of a nation's power, insuring its prosperity and strength.  The development of the economic is always accompanied with advanced technology, which is based on the education system. ----这句才是观点嘛If the budget of education is decreased, it must negatively affect the innovation of the technology, thus slow down the economic, leading to worse economic depression. Even during the second world war跟人名一样，这个需要大写, United Kingdom maintained the largest possibility to support its education,   suggesting that education will never lose its weight in the human history.

Cutting down the unemployment investment is also inadvisable, especially during the economic depression. When a nation or the world encounters economic depression,  decreased unemployment investment will benefit nobody but only worsen the situation: it will not only negatively affect the stability of the society but also cause larger damage to the economic system. Think about the "Occupy Wall Street" movement, it cost the government hundreds of millions to pacify the participators, and独立句子之间少连词it also caused large numbers of lost in the finance companies to deal with this situation.

Cutting down health care investment from the government is my recommendation. S some 句首字母大写may criticize me that I don't care about the health of people, that is not my point. That I suggest the decreased investment from the government does not mean the money spent on the health of people will be lower down, the government should adjust its health care policy to balance the budget. One method is to adjust the tax policy, asking the rich for more tax. Another way is to optimize the health care system, leading the insurance company to undertake more of the health cost. There are far more tactics for the government to use to cut down the health care investment from the nation's budget while not hurt people's health.

In fact, any single of the three methods mentioned above will be not sufficient enough to ease the economic depression, because each of them with hurt the basic benefit of people. From my view of point, the best thing government should do is to optimize its management such as health care structure and improve the quality of people's life.




不好意思，不舒服，来改的晚了。
表述意思总体比较流畅，也少有拼写和语法错误。第一篇习作的话，不错了。虽然特别炫亮的那种高分词汇少了点，但是词选用的都比较准确。 整体而言，稍微欠缺的是第一段感觉段首句的意思阐述模糊，建议修改下。

Saku411

正好这篇也有写过 如果有时间可否也请帮忙看看

Saku411

Boasting abundant resources and a huge popularity, my country has been developing in an amazingly fast pace in recent decades. However as a matter of fact, those achievements are at the cost of destruction of the environment. While natural resources are going to be depleted and demographic dividend no longer exists, the government is facing unprecedented difficulties. In order to show their determination, governors have already cut their fiscal expenses and now it’s time to sacrifice other social benefits. Although some citizens advocate for expense cut in education system or health care, I assert that the least priority should be put on support for the unemployment.

To begin with, giving less economic support to job creating does not traumatize a well-balanced and harmonious society, instead it encourages people to elevate themselves by every possible means, or to do things they are interested in. My cousin has worked for 2 years till now, in a position that was assigned to her upon graduation. She had no chance to realize her dream of volunteering in Africa for a year, because she doesn’t want to quit her job. I believe there are a lot people just like her. Only when limited job opportunities are offered can they really follow their heart. Besides governmental support for unemployment makes the young less aggressive and creative, thinking that they will readily get employed no matter what.

To continue with, cutting unemployment support can be easily compensated by other kinds of governmental subsidies while others cannot. I’ll further the discussion by providing a specific example. My current city is a nationally renowned tourist destination with lovely weather and sceneries, while few know about the excellently facilitated hospitals. During the recession period of the nation as a whole, few tourists came and thus unemployment rate soared.  The local government decided to lessen the unemployment support while intensively advertising so-called Nursing Vacation, which turned out surprisingly successful. With more and more patients coming to get treated, especially to have plastic surgeries, and spend vacation here, a host of jobs were created.

Of course cutting unemployment support has its own drawbacks, such as a decline in young people’s confidence. Unfortunately under such circumstances our government may not have a win-win solution. Simply imagining what would happen if the support for health care or education makes us lose hope for the nation’s future. Demonstrations and protests have already taken place in some countries in Europe for the former reason. When teenagers cannot be properly educated and sick elders cannot afford to hospital treatment, the chain effect will ultimately lead to chaos of the society. To sum up, cutting the support for unemployment is the relatively wise choice.

Saku411

所谓的my country my city完全是个虚构的家伙。。。融合了各个国家和地区的特征
另外LZ 好像还有几个小问题
第二段首 instead of boost economic 应该是boost economy
the third suggestion made我的理解是减少失业救助 似乎和LZ的理解不太一样 如果我的是错的 基本上整篇就白写了。。。。OMG