<求批改>toefl独立写作，不胜感激

zswxlin

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The best way for parents to teach their children about responsibility is to have them care for an animal.

提纲：A good way, but far from a best way
1. 养育小动物确实能培养责任感：帮小动物洗澡，每天喂食，生病了带动物去看病-能培养孩子对于他人的关爱和责任感；帮宠物在外面清理粪便，增强孩子的社会责任感
2. 不是best：孩子的最大职责就是学习，养宠物很容易分心，影响学习成绩，乱花钱没有家庭责任感
3. 还有其他good ways：比如照顾老人，经常做家务，参与公益活动，从孩子、家庭到社会都能培养孩子的责任感
The education about responsibility is really a popular topic in modern society. But a majority of adults are busy with their daily work and have less time to cultivate children, thus some parents prefer to let their children raise a pet. In order to educate children, however, we need to pay further consideration on this approach, which is double-edged and has some negligible downsides.
Admittedly, Keeping an animal is an accepted alternative for children to improve their sense of accountability. To be specific, lots of teenagers are cat or dog people. Children will feed and wash pets spontaneously. By doing so, children might know how to take care of others, particularly their family members. From the larger perspective, when children walk dogs outside every day, they should collect dogs' faeces and throw them into dustbin. There is no doubt that it is a vital way to help children develop their social responsibility. Nevertheless, we could only admit that raising an animal is a good proposal to teach children, but far from the best one.
First and foremost, it do exist some drawbacks and risks for children to care for an animal. My cousin in is a typical example. He is a smart boy as well as a cat person. After my aunt bought a little cat for him, he began to spend excessive amount of time, almost all the time after school, on playing with this cat. And he paid little attention to his courses then. As a result, his academic performance has dropped from top 3 to the bottom, thus leading to loss of his main duty. Furthermore, he also spent large quantities of money on toys and snacks for his dog. He often bought some unneeded stuff regardless of the hard-earned money by his parents. In that way, it is with no doubt that my cousin also is short of family accountability.
Besides, having children care for an animal will never be the best, since there are still a great number of choices to assist parents to teach children about responsibility. For instance, parents could let their children to take care of their grandparents, who might need some help in some cases. In addition, children could also wash dishes after meal and clean rooms every week instead to learn how to care for their family. Moreover, adults could take their children to join in some social activities or communities, such as planting trees union, helping aged people and so on. Children could enhance their consciousness on the social accountability via these.
As a whole, we could not reach an absolute conclusion before measuring both the advantages and disadvantages. In order to intensify children's sense of liability, the way to take care of an animal has some adverse effects, even though it is also helpful to a certain extent.

zswxlin

是写的太差，大家都不屑于一改么？求高手指点一下吧

追梦CY

是写的太差，大家都不屑于一改么？求高手指点一下吧

-- by 会员 zswxlin (2012/10/17 19:29:22)

非高手 路过扫了一眼
感觉整体还可以
语言有点生硬 可以多积累一些简洁的高效的表达
native一点点

NmgMadman

逻辑很不错，很辨证， 这应该是ETS最喜欢的逻辑模式