第一次写文章，240字。麻烦给位指点指点！急~！！！！

wanggeted

The argument concludes that photographers who work in color have advantages over those who work in black-and-white. However, the position cannot be substantiated by the statement that works in color have a larger market than those in black-white and that the color film is more readily available than black-white one, because the author overlooks some important factors.



Firstly, it cannot be simply drawn from the data from magazines and newspapers that the market of color works is larger. Many companies and television stations often use works in black-white to demonstrate a sense of worry, pale, disappointed and so on. So the assumption that works in color are more popular is doubtful.



Secondly, it is unwarranted to treat the availability of film as a cause. For example, we cannot get diamonds easier than gold, can we say that the diamond rings are less valuable that golden rings? So, availability of films cannot lead to the conclusion stated by the author.



Finally, given the two factors above, the advantage of photographers can neither be measured by the market of the works nor the source of the films. Moreover the quality of the works rather than the color of the works are the most effective factor to determine the advantage of a photographer.



In conclusion, the argument is not convincing, because it omits some significant issues. If the argument included the items discussed above, it will be much more pervasive.

BlackwellA

The argument concludes that photographers who work in color have advantages over those who work in black-and-white. 【add "How the passage develops this conclusion"】However, the position cannot be substantiated by the statement that works in color have a larger market than those in black-white and that the color film is more readily available than black-white one, because the author overlooks some important factors.



Firstly, 【the author made a mistake in XXXXX 把具体错误给指出来，不要太虚 】it cannot be simply drawn from the data from magazines and newspapers that the market of color works is larger. 【DATA LARGER和后面那句使用WORK TO DEMONSTRATE A SENSE OF WORRY有什么联系？没看出来.. 】Many companies and television stations often use works in black-white to demonstrate a sense of worry, pale, disappointed and so on.【这句话能前后拓展开来多说一些，说详细一些】 So the assumption that works in color are more popular is doubtful.



Secondly, it is unwarranted to treat the availability of film as a cause【句式换一个吧，上面那段开头用过形式主语了】. For example, we cannot get diamonds easier than gold, can we say that the diamond rings are less valuable that golden rings? So, availability of films cannot lead to the conclusion stated by the author.【argument太无力了，最好换个.. 比如：过度简单的认为XX是唯一原因是不对的，因为有什么什么他因，或者XX是benefit over cost的，实际带来了好处】



Finally, given the two factors above, 【主语错了，要么把given 句删掉要么加上 we can identify that.. 】the advantage of photographers can neither be measured by the market of the works nor the source of the films. Moreover the quality of the works rather than the color of the works are the most effective factor to determine the advantage of a photographer.【这是一段表达了两个观点么？】



In conclusion, the argument is not convincing, because it omits some significant issues【把话说实，paraphrase not 宏观总结】. If the argument included the items discussed above【把话说实，不然直接要被当成抄模板句了...】, it will be much more pervasive.

总结：行文比较松散，虽然用FIRST SECOND FINALLY连接，但是段落之间的联系感觉不是很紧密。同时，每个分观点的REASONING也十分薄弱，需要elaborate..其次，文章似乎没有在中间段落中提及solution，所以不存在最后一句话的那个总结。 solution要么放每段里，要么集中起来放在最后一段。 In conclusion,说的太虚，容易被当成抄模板然后被给低分。