Emily的作文贴~

AnthonySummer

10.20 独立写作



Some people claim that if we have an opportunity to take a secure job, we should take it right away, while others think we should wait for a satisfying job, which do you prefer?







As the graduated season is coming, most of my classmates, who do not want to study further, have to find jobs. It is difficult to make a choice because people always want to get the best job opportunity. But who knows whether you can obtain another better offer than the one you hold right now. Facing a secure job offer, some (some 指代不清，因为这个句子中没出现其他人) would take it（这个句子中太多指代了，it指代也不清楚） immediately while others trend to persist until a satisfying one（又是指代，一句话三个） occurred. In terms of my view, I would like to choose first one（我还真不确定哪个是first one）as my preference. （第一段逻辑主语不清，考官看的会比较累）







First of all, it is undeniable that taking the secure job immediately （加个that，语法错误，和我以前一样，建议找本toefl写作语法看看） would decrease the risk. As many students compete for one job opportunity, it is difficult to say whether you can get another if you give this one up. If you can, then congratulations, but what if you cannot?（这句太口语了吧，写作可不行）Every year, thousands of hundreds of students graduated from university, the students who did not find a job at the first year （加个连词 if the students who.... then he or she）he or she graduated will be less competitive next year, which means he or she will be more difficult to find a job. (前句需要缩写）This potential risk cannot be afforded by any student.







Even without one year waiting, the later you apply for a job the more difficult for you to find opportunities. Famous Predominated companies tend to hold interviews as early as possible. After the career fair, seldom optimal job option left. One of my old friends experienced this tragedy unfortunately（删掉）. He attended a program in his university to be an exchange student with Penghu University , which located in Taiwan Island. That means he had no choice but to give up all career fairs held in mainland. When he came back in June, none job opportunities near Beijing, which his university located,（语病，which指代不清，上一句which located in Taiwan，就近指代，你这句也可指代Beijing）are available. The result is, even he was an excellent student who often got fellowships in his college,（你这一插，句子支离破碎啊,没插好） he went through a tough time to find a job. This story alarms us that it is not wise to waiting for too long.







However, I do not mean to deny the significant meaning of the first job for every student's career, especially for people who want to live a stable life without changing job frequently. Also, waiting for a satisfying offer can help students feel delighted in their working time. But as it is human nature to change their desire easily, keeping flexible attitude in the job hunting and pay more attention to obtaining ample experience is more beneficial. This helps them to take the first step into society. Through different kinds of working experience, students can get a comprehensive understanding of a certain career and thus help them make their final career choice in their life.







To summarize, taking the secure offer right now not only helps students avoid no-work risk and losing opportunities, but also help them choose their final career in their life. （主语呢？？）

楼主你用了太多指代，this ，which，建议多用从句

句子太简单,
加油吧！