作文练习，请大牛评分和指导，谢谢！

tangwj06

OG的范文：
The computerized, on-board warning system that will be installed in commercial airliners will virtually solve the problem of midair plane collisions. One plane's Waring system can receive signals from another's transponder=-a radio set that signals a plane's course-in order to determine the likelihood of a collision and recommend evasive action.

自己练习了一遍：

In this argument, the author makes the conclusion that midair plane collisions can be avoided by the computerized on-board warning system. To support this conclusion, the author explains the function of the computerized on-board warning system. This argument seems reasonable at first look, but when analyzed carefully, it shows both flawed and insufficient in the line of reasoning.
In the first place, the argument is questionable because the author only depicts technical function of the computerized on-board warning system. We can only know how does the system work, while it is difficult to make the conclusion that commercial airliners will solve the problem of midair plane collisions effectively. For example, whether this system can provide sufficient early-warning time for the pilot to avoid the collision? Whether this system is convenient enough for the pilot to operate?
To substantiate the argument, the author can explain more about the usage function and specifics of the computerized on-board warning system. For example, the author can enhance the argument by provide the evidence that the computerized on-board warning system can work farther than 10 kilometers, and give the plane about 2 minutes early-warning time. Also, the author can tell in this argument the descriptions like that the computerized on-board warning system can work well without the pilot doing anything. The planes can avoid collisions automatically.
In the second place, the argument doesn't give the result of the computerized on-board warning system used in real situations. For example, whether the system works well when equipped by commercial airliners in recent years? How many airplane collisions are avoided by the computerized on-board warning system？How many airplane collisions are caused by the malfunction of the computerized on-board warning system？These statistics can greatly substantiate the argument.
So, if the author can provide more justifications and statistics to support the conclusion, the argument will be more reasonable.