[写作小分队] 听心作文---------- 不戴面具进入化妆舞会，来了就不怕批

T不死

黄色是表达不错的地方，红色是个人的意见，仅供参考

Generally speaking, the reason why parents normally tend to protect their children against making mistakes is because（that） they love their kids and they don’t want them getting hurt, physically or emotionally. In the fact, what the parents may do not realize is that let people learning(learn) from their own mistakes is a necessary lessen for their life, especially for children.

首段最后强调下自己的观点，支持和不支持哪一个。并简要说明理由。作为下面分段阐述的的引子。让读者一下子明白自己的论点和各个分论据。

In the first place, even though mistake can cause pain, it makes us remember the bad experience more clearly and avoid from doing it（avoid貌似可以直接跟it. avoid it. 另外it 这里有点问题。Mistake makes us avoid mistake.建议全句改为even though we will experience pain when we make a mistake, we can learn a lesson from it, which make us to avoid making the same fault repeatedly） again. From my own experience, for example, I really did not like brush my tooth when I was a little girl since the processes was (were) so boring and seemed likea waste of time. In the mean time, I love sweets, especially ice-cream. Even my mother told me lots of time (many times) that how important (it is) to brush teeth, I was still careless until I got a cavity and had to do a filling. (at that time, they do the filling without anesthetic )Since then, I became the most favorite girl of my dentist (这句好像不是很顺)because I can recall the extreme pain every time I got lazy（I will remind of the miserable pain of fixing cavity whenever I get lazy to brush teeth ）.最后建议来个总结，写这个分论据和论点有啥关系，如何支持论点。例如可以写只有亲身经历的痛苦才可以激励人们做某事。

Moreover, by learning their own lesson, children actually can improve anti-frustration ability and increase self-confidence, hence boost their competitive power. Actually, every time I see the word “frustration”, I always can remember the teary face of a young dancer. That was few year ago, I met her outside a concert hall, she looks like 8 years old and was just crying because of lost her first place in a big competition(建议该为because she lost the first place in a big competition ). She was so good that (nearly) everyone thought she can (could) get the golden prize with no doubt. Then I heard her mother said to her:” it’s ok, honey. Everyone can make mistakes, even as good as you and I know you can do better next time, right?” . Right, after 2 year later I saw her face in the newspaper with smile and a big cup. Obviously, she can not be successful without a mother who allows her making mistakes.

(这段例子貌似是说那个海子失败后，妈妈说犯错误的海子还是好孩子，然后海子就成功了。我觉得应该把重点放在海子如何从失败中如何挣扎出来，最后获得成功，这样更贴切题目的论点)


However, as qualified parents, we have to protect our kids from big mistakes that （are）very dangerous and may not correct, such as touching the electrical device or swimming in the pool without any lifeguards. Otherwise, I strongly suggest people:” give your children some free space,（加个并列连词and） let them make some mistake and learn from it, (加个连词and then)they will be stronger !” （终于在文章结尾找到了你的论点，典型的中国人思维，不过美国人貌似是最重要的事情先讲。所以论点一般放在文章开头较合适，然后结尾可以呼应或强调下）



（通篇actually用的比较多，和我一样，单词量还比较小，建议多背单词，特别是常用的形容词和副词，连接词等。）