这一段可以作为独立作文开头吗 会不会太不直接太罗嗦？ 求意见~感谢

renxiaoyujc

题目是 When people need to discuss upsetting or controversial problems with others, some people prefer to use e-mail or text messaging. Others like to use telephone or voice messaging. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons to support your answer.

开头
Imagine one of your colleagues make a revise of your report, which takes you several days to finish it until you think it perfect sufficiently and it will definitely earn you the respect from others. Your first response to the revise acting as a disapproval of your fruit of labor must be mad and repulsed. No time for you to take the suggestion into consideration, what’s more, your emotion is strongly enough to make you lose your ability to control yourself. What’s the consequence of the next scene that may happen if you are informed by your colleague about the occurrence of the revise through a phone or voice-message as a more direct way? Or just through an email or text messages functioning as an indirect way?

我想把这个作为这篇作文的开头。。 不知道大家什么意见？ 会不会太罗嗦了 可是我想的这样创造了一个比较生动的情景模拟，更容易引起别人的共鸣。。求意见~~ 感谢