我的argument写得不好 求师兄师姐帮改-2

周娜

The following appeared as part of anarticle in a magazine devoted to regional life.
“Corporations should look to the city ifHelios when seeking new business opportunities or a new location. Even in therecent recession, Helios’s unemployment rate was lower than the regionalaverage. It is the industrial center of the region, and historically it hasprovided more than its share of the region’s manufacturing jobs. In addition,Helios is attempting to expand its economic base by attracting companies thatfocus on research and development of innovative technologies. ”

8:50-09:45
The author claims that corporations shouldcome to invest in the city Helios, because the Helios‘s unemployment is lowerthan the regional average, Helios is the industry center of the region and ithistorically provided more of its share of the region’s producing jobs. What’smore, the city is planning to develop its economic base by attracting high-techcompanies that focus on research and development. The author’s reasons soundplausible on the surface, but it may not after a further scrutiny. There are atleast three questionable points about the arguments.

Firstly, the unemployment of Helios islower than the average of the region does not mean the Helios’s unemployment islow. Because we don’t know what is the condition outside of the region. Forexample, the region average unemployment rate is 80%, while that of the countryis 20%, then, even the unemployment rate is 60%, which is much lower than theregion average, it does not worth investing. The argument is talking aboutaverage rate in regional, while the author relies on the fact that if theunemployment of Helios is lower than the average, then its unemployment is kindof low. Thus make a hasty conclusion. Move over, the writer try to useunemployment to illustrate that the city is a good place for companies toinvest in, however this evidence is not strong enough to persuade others. Theconclusion is fallacious because the author fails to consider and rule outother possible factors that may have significant impact on a city’sunemployment. If the city cannot provide enough job opportunities and a lot ofworker have no choice but leave the city to find jobs, the result of this wouldalso be low unemployment rate but this unemployment rate notes the pooreconomic condition in the city rather than good.

The author makes a unfair conclusion baseon the assumption that if Helios provided job opportunities more than its shareof the region’s manufacturing job, then it is well developed enough to attractmore corporations to invest there. However, what is true in the past does notmean it is true in nowadays. Maybe the economic condition in Helios is muchbetter than the other cities in the region in one period, thus makes it hashistorically provided more jobs than other cities in the region; however, it ispossible that nowadays things changed. What’s more, we cannot use a historicallevel to guarantee that the level would maintain in the future. On top of this,there is no specific data provided by the author, it would be more convincingif the numbers of Helios is 30% or 50% more than that of the others city,rather than 1% or 0.5%.

The conclusion is less convincing alsobecause the city wants to attract more companies that focus on research anddevelopment of innovative technologies, but the author provides no sufficientexplanation about this desire. Even we accept the unemployment is truly lower,and the city exactly provides a lot of jobs, we have no idea whether those jobare in what industry. For instance, Majority of employees in Helios are inhandcraft industry or trade business and so on, anyway seldom researcher or innovator,then those companies may refuse to invest in Helios, since they don’t want tobe troubled in human resource problems.

In sum, The author needs to rule out theabove mentioned weak point, because any of them could draw the conclusion intomoot. Unless the author provide more details about the advantages about thecity the argument cannot be substantiated enough to persuade any investor.


我拿argument头疼..我废话多，30分钟还打不住...