下周就要考试了，谁来帮忙我评评这篇作文

wuzhongyu

Some societies require young adults to perform some sort of national service, such as military service, tutoring, or social work.  Do you think such service should be required?  Use specific reasons and details to support your opinion.

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   This is a controversial issue whether it is necessary to require young adults to peform some sort of national service or not. Depending on personal experience, we can find that some people might support it, on the other hand, some others disagree it instead. From my own point of view, I agree that such services of national service should be required. My arguments are listed as follows.
        The first reason can be seen by everyone is that national services are a good way to help young adults experience our society. As we know, millitary service,tutoring or social work , all these natinal service is a best channel to acquainted themselves with our society for young adults.Before they step into the real society, these practices at the position of natinal service could warm up their  views to regulation or  law of our society
        Another reason of my prospensity of the necessarity of national service for young adults is that these services would give rise to young adults on cooperation in work. For example, as far as I am concerned, if someone is enrolled into army, he have to follow the commands and learn how to collaborate with others for a certain task.All these practical traning or experience will bring young adults more than those text books write.
       Last but not the least, requiring young adults to perform some national service opens a new door for them to carry on their new career in the future. After performed national service for some certain period, these young adults maybe change their original idea and decide to devote themselves to some national service, such as millitary service, social work.It is also a best opportunity to explore the potential candidate for some job position in the field of national service.
       In conclusion,  it is obvious that requiring to perform some national service for young adults  benefits  not only themselves but also our societies. To sum up, given those sagacious reasons which are discussed above, I strongly commit to the notion that performing some national service for young adults should be required.
      

rt316

以下是引用wuzhongyu在2004-9-22 8:47:00的发言：

Some societies require young adults to perform some sort of national service, such as military service, tutoring, or social work.  Do you think such service should be required?  Use specific reasons and details to support your opinion.

××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

   This is a controversial issue whether it is necessary to require young adults to peform some sort of national service or not. Depending on personal experience, we can find that some people might support it, on the other hand, some others disagree it instead. From my own point of view, I agree that such services of national service should be required. My arguments are listed as follows.
        The first reason can be seen by everyone is that national services are a good way to help young adults experience our society (extract experience from the development of our society). As we know (It is well known比较客观), millitary service,tutoring or social work , all these natinal service is a best channel to acquainted themselves (themselves缺乏逻辑指代) with our society for young adults.Before they (they缺乏逻辑指代) step into the real society, these practices (前后逻辑搭配有问题) at the position of natinal service could warm up their  views to regulation or  law of our society (regulation or law of our society和前部关系不紧密，建议换个内容)
        Another reason of my prospensity of the necessarity of national service for young adults (三个连续的of+一个for过于复杂，比如：Another reason for me to support my propensity或许好些) is that these services would give rise to (建议改为help sb to do结构，give rise to相当于一个介词结构，直接跟‘引起’的内容，比如：give rise to an argument 引起争论) young adults on cooperation in work. For example, as far as I am concerned, if someone is enrolled into army, he have (has) to follow the commands and learn how to collaborate with others for a certain task. All these practical traning or experience will bring young adults more than those text books write (will text books或text books will).
       Last but not the least, requiring young adults to perform some national service (services) opens a new door for them to carry on their new career in the future. After performed national service for some certain period (这个介词短语过于累赘，建议改为从句), these young adults maybe (maybe不适合用于标准书面语法，建议改为probably) change their original idea and decide to devote themselves to some national service, such as millitary service,  (and连词不能少) social work.It is also a best opportunity to explore the potential candidate for some job position in the field of national service.
       In conclusion,  it is obvious that requiring to perform some national service for young adults  benefits  not only themselves but also our societies. To sum up, given those sagacious reasons which are discussed above, I strongly commit to the notion that performing some national service for young adults should be required.
      

楼主的目标如果在5分以上，打字错误还应减少；开头和结尾，个人建议还需进一步润色。

guoliwei

１８５里面有这篇作文吗？好象没有印象啊

snow_mountain

肯定不是185 里面的。 但是185里面有篇问community service的， 与此类似。

wuzhongyu

万分感谢！明天就要上考场了，我只求5分。。。多了不要。。。看看运气了！

guandream

good luck to your exam.