【写作小分队之jason制造】

Crystaljoy

3月9日 TPO23 综合批改

In the lecture, the speaker refutes the opinion in the passage that three factors might be responsible for the decline of yellow cedar. He states that none of the three is likely to be the very (adequate) reason (after deep and fundamental analysis ).


To begin with, the speaker asserts that the barks and leaves of healthy yellow cedar trees contain a certain kind of chemical which can kill the cedar bark beetles. Only the already damaged or weak ones can be affected by these parasites. Thus, the beetles should not be regarded as the cause of the decline of the trees. This obviously contradicts what is suggested in the passage that the attacks of the beetles should be blamed.


What is more, besides of the parasites, the second hypothesis in the passage that the bears eating the barks of the trees (bears feeding on the cedar bark)lead to the decline of the trees is also attacked by the speaker. He argues that both of the mainland and the island, the places with and without the bears, (会不会产生ambiguity? places指前面的both. 建议简化成Both the wooded mainland and treeless island) are facing the problem of the decline of the trees. With （Based on）this substantiated evidence, the bears can't account for the damage of the trees.


Last but not least, the speaker also casts doubt on the third hypothesis that the decline of the yellow cedar is the result of the climate change, namely the cold weather damages the sensitive root and causes the death of the whole tree. If that is true, the speaker says, the decline will be more serious in the relatively colder places than that in the warmer places. However, the lecture clarifies the fact that the yellow cedar trees of the warmer places actually suffer from more severe damage, which undermines the(last) hypothesis of the passage.


Jason写得真好！！！我批改的时候无从下笔。有一种“增之一分则太长，减之一分则太短”的窃喜~
还可以期待词汇更加多样性，就是同义词或者近义词的转换。比如在综合写作里面，speaker=lecturer=professor=……
加油！等你好消息！

jasonliu119

这个题目有点难啊、、、想了好几分钟才开笔、、最后应该超时了1、2分钟吧、、、、、

In today's society, everyone wants to be successful. Some people hold the point of view that patience is the key to success, whereas others argue that we should take action now rather than wait. As far as I am concerned, I prefer to be patient and wait for the best opportunity to take action in more cases.


To begin with, the first reason is that we need to be patient and wait for some conditions. Timings are very important. With a suitable timing, we can accomplish success more easily. For instance, a film company has made a wonderful movie about the wars for national independence and the heroes. No one can deny that it can attract more audiences if the company is patient and wait for the National Day to give the first performance of the movie. That is because on that day people are more interested in the topic of patriotism. In short, it is the appropriate opportunity or timing that leads us to success.


What is more, taking action too quickly will result in impolitic decisions. Because the social and economic conditions changes so rapidly that some decisions or plans which seem to be quite correct now might be proved to be wrong in the future. I can’t think of better examples than the case in the stock market. It is common that some people earn money in their careers and then they invest the money in the stocks of a famous company which is thought highly of by the people nowadays. Unfortunately, the company becomes less effective after several months and thus the decision to invest its stocks is wrong. We can easily imagine that, if those people are patient enough to clarify the performances of that company, they can avoid this loss.


On the other hand, there is only one circumstance where people should act now, namely people take action on the instant in order to catch the ephemeral chance to succeed. There is no doubt that some chances are easy to fly away from people's hands. Thus, they should speed up and struggle to seize the chance. A case in point is that Bill Gates dropped out from university to start up his own career in the field of computer. The reason why he took action so fast and abandoned the academic degree is that the chance for developing a high-tech company was ephemeral. If he failed to set up his own company instantly, others will do so. In that time, it would be too late for such a prodigy to run business and he would forever miss the opportunity to gain great achievements of Microsoft.


To sum up, although in some cases people need to act right now to catch the chance, the advantages of patience in more cases overwhelm those of acting immediately. For the sake of success, people should learn to be patient.

婷婷connie

3月11日独立 红色改错，蓝色疑惑，黄色表扬
In today's society, everyone wants to be successful. Some people hold the point of view that patience is the key to success, whereas others argue that we should take action now rather than wait. As far as I am concerned, I prefer to be patient and wait（wait 没有形容词的用法，建议用waited） for the best opportunity to take action in more cases.
（开头点明两种观点，并指出自己倾向于耐心，简介明了）

To begin with, the first reason is that we need to be patient and wait for some conditions. Timings are very important. With a suitable timing, we can accomplish success more easily. For instance, a film company has made a wonderful movie about the wars（the 后建议加名词的单数，或者不加the直接写名词的复数形式） for national independence and the heroes. No one can deny that it can attract more audiences if the company is patient and wait for the National Day to give the first performance of the movie. That is because on that day people are more interested in the topic of patriotism. In short, it is the appropriate opportunity or timing that leads us to success.


What is more, taking action too quickly will result in impolitic decisions. Because the social and economic conditions changesso rapidly that some decisions or plans which seem to be quite correct now might be proved to be wrong in the future. I can’t（can not）think of better examples than the case in the stock market(补充一下，也可以是equity market). It is common that some people earn money in their careers and then they invest the money in the stocks of a famous company which is thought highly of by the people（多余）nowadays. Unfortunately, the company becomes less effective after several months and thus the decision to invest its stocks is wrong. We can easily imagine that, if those people are patient enough to clarify（这里是认清事实的意思吗?clarify是澄清的意思，建议用recognize） the performances of that company, they can avoid this loss.


On the other hand, there is only one circumstance where people should act now, namely people take action on the instant in order to catch the ephemeral chance to succeed. There is no doubt that some chances are easy to fly away from people's hands. Thus, they should speed up and struggle to seize the chance. A case in point is that Bill Gates dropped out from university to start up his own career in the field of computer. The reason why he took action so fast and abandoned the academic degree is that the chance for developing a high-tech company was ephemeral(之前已经用过一次了，可以用fleeting更换，也是机会稍纵即逝的意思). If he failed to set up his own company instantly, others will do so. In that time, it would be too late for such a prodigy to run business and he would forever miss the opportunity to gain great achievements of （on）Microsoft.


To sum up, although in some cases people need to act right now to catch the chance, the advantages of patience in more cases overwhelm those of acting immediately. For the sake of success, people should learn to be patient.

总结：段与段之间有连接词，使段落转换不致突兀。词汇运用灵活。写得真的很好，虚心学习。
         中间三段三个事例，两正一负，看出对事例法的运用掌握较好，但明显字数过多，尤其是第三段，望精炼。

jasonliu119

字数：475用时：00:30:00日期：2012-3-12 18:09:16


Few can deny the fact that money and friendship are two essential things in everyday life. Some people might hold that it is too difficult for two people with different sum of money to become good friends, whereas others argue that friendship has nothing to do with wealth. In my opinion, it is possible for two people to make good friends without equal wealth.


To begin with, it is common that a person has lots of friends of various ages and wealth. It is quite ridiculous for a person to announce that all of his or her friends has equal wealth. For instance, as a university student, I have many friends, ranging from my classmates to respectable professors. There is no doubt that, on the average, the teachers occupy much more wealth than the students who have no job to earn money. However, all of them are my close friends and we are really enjoy the time we spend with each other.


In addition of the variety of friends, the second reason for my point of view is that the mental comfort from each other makes true good friends. Have you ever thought of a problem why we humans need friends? One of the crucial answers is that humans will feel lonely, depressed and sullen in some occasions. During that moment, a good friend who can understand our thoughts and ready to give a hand is important. The function of friends is on the mental level and has nothing to relate with the wealth. A case in point is my experience in my last year of high school. I felt so nervous and helpless with my poor scores in study and the pressure of college entrance exams. Fortunately, my head teacher, who certainly has more money than I do, gave me lots of advices and encouragements. As a result, we became good friends and now we still often send e-mails to communicate with each other.


Last but not least, the same hobby is another factor that can make people good friends and it is irrelevant to wealth. It is the hobby that even the poorest people in the world can enjoy and share with each other. Different people with different sum of money can get together to play basketball, play music instruments and share the experience of painting. Many people become close friends due to the common interests. For example, I like to play football after school in a playground near my house where lots of strangers play. And I have been good friends of some men, much older and richer than me. We trust each other and struggle as a team in football games.


To sum up, true friendship is attributed to the mental comfort and the same interests between the two. It is of high likelihood that people with different sum of wealth can become good friends.

jasonliu119

In this lecture, the speaker casts doubt on the opinion in the passage that to set up a team is much effective to get the work done. He argues that sometimes a group of people just make situations worse.


To begin with, the statement in the passage that the people get more opportunity to shine and have a better feeling is refuted by the lecturer. Some people, he says, do nothing in a team, whereas some others make great contributions to the achievements of a whole team. However, what the latter ones have done will be attributed to the whole group. It is so unfair to these people that they will feel disappointed.


In addition of this kind of unfairness, the professor also attacks another point of view in the reading, namely a team are more efficient to finish tasks than individuals. According to the lecture, a group of people will have to spend time on meetings and discussions, which can slow the working process, before a decision is made. As a result, the pace of a group of people will probably less speedy than individuals.


Last but not least, there is another divergence between the passage and the lecture about the effects of some influential people in a group. Indicated by the passage, it is really an advantage that a group will be more likely to take risks in that the no individual will be responsible for the failure of a group. On the contrary, the professor asserts that this spread of response will lead to a bad result that the whole team has to be blamed for impolitic decisions made by several influential people in that group. If the influential people lead the team in a wrong direction, the negative consequence is tremendous.

prodliu

Few can deny the fact（There is no denying） thatmoney and friendship are two essential things in everyday life. Some peoplemight hold(the point/view) that it is toodifficult for two people with different sum of money(翻译起来有点直接：对于两位有不同数量的钱的人来说。可以改成身份高低不同或者身价不同。 Two people who are differentin financial situation) tobecome good friends, whereas others argue that friendship has nothing to dowith wealth. In my opinion, it is possible for two people to make good friendswithout equal wealth. (这点我觉得从正面说比较好吧，two people with different financial situation/bank deposit can become good friends, because true friendship is way beyondmoney.)

To begin with, it is common (acommon phenomenon) that a person has lots of friends of various ages andwealth (with various/dissimilar ages and financialsituations). It is quite ridiculous for a person to announce that all ofhis or her friends has equal wealth. (和上面那就话有个呼应比较好，你看上面那就说人们有不同年龄层和经济状况的朋友是很常见的现象，所以说??，后面改成so it is quite impossible/unrealistic to say thatall of your friends have the same social or financial situation )For instance(Taking myown experience for example), as a university student, I have manyfriends, ranging from my classmates to respectable professors. (承接一下，and it is pretty universal that ourprofessors have a higher statue than students who are still chasing theirdreams, such as financial statue )Thereis no doubt that, on the average, the teachers occupy much more wealth than thestudents who have no job to earn money. However, all of them(指代不明，是指students还是professors; many of the teachers) are my close friends and we are really enjoythe time we spend with each other(we have several great/memorablemoments during daily life).

In addition, of the variety of friends, the second reasonfor my point of view is that the mental comfort from each other makes true goodfriends. Have you ever thought of (about) a problem (question that)why we humansneed friends? One of the crucial answers(一个重要的答案，翻译过来不通吧，one possible answer) is that humans will(这里will还是有表将来的感觉，换成sometimes) feel lonely, depressed and sullen(这里and表并列，意思是一个人同时孤独抑郁还有情绪低落，feel alone or depressed) in some occasions(可以省去). During that moment,（at this kind of condition） a goodfriend who can understand our thoughts and ready to give a hand is important(a considerate friend can appease our broken heart andencourage us to overcome obstacles). The function of friends is on themental level and has nothing to relate with the wealth. (therefore the relationship between two people is closelyrelated to mental level ) A case in point is my experience in my lastyear of high school(Examples abound in daily life).Once I felt so nervous and helpless with (and 表并列my poor scores 与pressure 并列不好，改成poor scores( my poor scores instudy不用说in study and the pressure of collegeentrance exams. Fortunately, my head teacher, who certainly has more money thanI do(没必要再强调比你钱多了), gave(offered) me lots of advices and encouragements（which helped me perform excellently inthe exams）. As a result(since then), we became good bestfriends and now we省去 still keep in touchwith each other. often send e-mails to communicate witheach other.

Last but not the least,the same hobby is another factor that can make people good friends and it isirrelevant to wealth. It is the hobby that even the poorest people in the worldcan enjoy and share with each other. (这两句有点啰嗦，合并成一句it is also crucial for good friends to sharethe same interests. ) Different peoplewith different sum of money can get together to play basketball, play musicinstruments and share the experience of painting. (ithas nothing to do with money when friends play basketball, enjoy musical or valuepaintings) Many people become close friends due to the common interests这句省去. （My personal experience can exemplify this view, I am a soccer fun andoften play it in playground, and some people usually join my team to playtogether. Eventually we become close friends, and more amazingly, we set up ateam to take part in a League.）Forexample, I like to play football after school in a playground near my housewhere lots of strangers play. And I have been good friends of some men, mucholder and richer than me. We trust each other and struggle as a team infootball games.

To sum up, true friendshipis attributed to the mental comfort and the same interests between the two. Itis of high likelihood that people with different sum of wealth can become goodfriends.
总结一下，段落分的很清晰，内容也很多，字数也客观；但是有些逻辑关系要把握好，该转折转折，要顺承的就顺承，还有就内容可以再丰满一些，充实一些，就会更好了。都是些我的小建议，关键还是一起学习一起进步。希望一起讨论我的修改的不足之处。

Crystaljoy

Prodliu改的好认真~~~！

为了避免格式乱掉，以后可以选择回复编辑导航里第二个按钮“从word粘贴”，这样单词就不会连在一起咯，在word 修改的格式也会保留。

晨依Jacqueline

In this lecture, the speaker casts doubt on the opinion in the passage that to set up a team is much effective to get the work done. He argues that sometimes a group of people just make situations worse.（这个地方我觉得可以说他通过一个公司的那个例子来反驳的。）


To begin with, the statement in the passage that the people get more opportunity to shine and have a better feeling is refuted by the lecturer. Some people, he says, do nothing in a team, whereas some others make great contributions to the achievements of a whole team. However, what the latter ones have done will be attributed to the whole group. It is so unfair to these people that they will feel disappointed.（我觉得大体意思说出来了，但是有的关键词汇也可以再写上，都是比较细节的，比如说free ride搭便车，还有no names were named没人记名字，还有their attitude opposite the reading predict等等。）


In addition of this kind of unfairness, the professor also attacks another point of view in the reading, namely a team are more efficient to finish tasks than individuals. According to the lecture, a group of people will have to spend time on meetings and discussions, which can slow the working process, before a decision is made. As a result, the pace of a group of people will probably less speedy than individuals.


Last but not least, there is another divergence between the passage and the lecture about the effects of some influential people in a group. Indicated by the passage, it is really an advantage that a group will be more likely to take risks in that the no individual will be responsible for the failure of a group. On the contrary, the professor asserts that this spread of response will lead to a bad result that the whole team has to be blamed for impolitic decisions made by several influential people in that group. If the influential people lead the team in a wrong direction, the negative consequence is tremendous.（我记得里面听到了一些词个人感觉比较重要，never work，dropped, high creative，warn, direction not work，ignore等等。Jason写的很好了，就是建议细节上能多一点呢。我是又听了才给你改的，我自己听的时候也漏了好多东西。）

jasonliu119

When the students face problems in their study, some of them may turn to their classmates for help, whereas others will go to the tutors to get a more professional guide. As far as I am concerned, I prefer the latter way to get assistance from tutors in study.


Admittedly, asking questions to their classmates might have certain merits. A student with a problem in study will feel more comfortable and easier when asking a classmate than when asking a strict and elder professor or tutor. Under a relatively relaxed atmosphere, he or she is more likely to ask for more details about the problem and gain more knowledge.


Though the support from the peers is helpful, asking the tutors for help will benefit the students in more aspects. To begin with, the first reason is that the tutors are more professional and erudite than the students' classmates and they can present more lucid illustration which might be much easier for the student to understand. For example, when a student asks a term which is not explained in the textbook, a professional teacher can explain it in details and give a full picture to the student since he or she might study this term before. On the other hand, if this student comes to me for help, I have no way to solve this problem because I, as a common student, have no experiences dealing with this term before.


What is more, a tutor can share his academic experiences with the students during the process of asking and answering questions. First, the tutor may have some excellent methods to study and research in a field. When the student asks a question to the tutor, the tutor can introduce these good study approaches to the student. Moreover, an experienced tutor can point out the shortcomings of the student. I am afraid that the classmates lack such an ability to enlighten a student who has problems.


Last but not least, to ask questions to teachers can give valuable feedbacks and help them develop more effective methods to teach. For instance, when being asked about the contents just mentioned in the last mathematical class, the teacher can recognize that he or she has not done a good job in that class, which leads to the confusion of the students. As a result, the teacher can ameliorate his or her teaching approaches and gives a more effective explanation to the students next time, which is a really conductive way to improve the quality of teaching and learning.


In retrospective, to gain help from the tutors has lots of advantages over to ask questions to a classmate. Thus, I recommend that student go to the tutors or teachers for assistance.

remint

When the students face problems in their study, some of them may turn to their classmates for help, whereas others will go to the tutors to get a more professional guide. As far as I am concerned, I prefer the latter way to get assistance from tutors in study.


Admittedly, asking questions to their classmates might have certain merits. A student with a problem in study will feel more comfortable and easier when asking a classmate than when asking a strict and elder professor or tutor. Under a relatively relaxed atmosphere, he or she is more likely to ask for more details about the problem and gain more knowledge.(感觉这一段句式有些单一，都是the more的句型）

Though the support from the peers is helpful, asking the tutors for help will benefit the students in more aspects. To begin with, the first reason is that the tutors are more professional and erudite than the students' classmates and they can present more lucid illustration which might be much easier for the student to understand. For example, when a student asks a term which is not explained in the textbook, a professional teacher can explain it in details and give a full picture to the student since he or she might study this term before. On the other hand, if this student comes to me for help, I have no way to solve this problem because I, as a common student（我拿到版本的寂静是说 suppose you‘re good at a certain subject）, have no experiences dealing with this term before.

What is more, a tutor can share his academic experiences with the students during the process of asking and answering questions. First, the tutor may have some excellent methods to study and research in a field. When the student asks a question to the tutor, the tutor can introduce these good study approaches to the student. Moreover, an experienced tutor can point out the shortcomings of the student. I am afraid that the classmates lack such an ability to enlighten a（the） student who has problems.

Last but not least, to ask questions to teachers can give valuable feedbacks and help them develop more effective methods to teach. For instance, when being asked about the contents just mentioned in the last mathematical class, the teacher can recognize that he or she has not done a good job in that class, which leads to the confusion of the students. As a result, the teacher can ameliorate his or her teaching approaches and gives a more effective explanation to the students next time, which is a really conductive way to improve the quality of teaching and learning.（多加一点别的句式吧~好多陈述句、which定语从句，而且还都是非限定性的。按gmat里的说法which引导的非限定性从句 一般表达不是很好~）

In retrospective, to gain（动名词好点 我觉得） help from the tutors has lots of advantages over to ask questions to a classmate. Thus, I recommend that student go to the tutors or teachers for assistance.

觉得语言太平实了。。。逻辑还不错~