【写作小分队】八戒的作文贴

noarkid

2月24日tpo 综合写作
The professor talks about the disadvantages of using hydrogen, however, in the reading passage, it talks about the advantages of hydrogen-based fuel –cell engine.
The first points that the professor refutes is she believes that the gas is surely finite resources. (gas是汽油的意思，不是氢气)However, the hydrogen is not easy to obtain. It comes from pure liquid and is difficult to produce and obtain, which means （没有it就变成无主句了） is not practical. The reading material holds the statement that hydrogen can be derived from various plentiful resources and makes them particularly attractive.

The second points that the professor differs from the passage is she adopts the point that the way to pruduce purification energy needs burning coal and oil, which causes heave pollution. However, the reading passage holds the opinion that hydrogen-based fuel cells will solve many of the world’s pollution problemes.

The last points that the professor cast doubt is that she believes that manufactor platinium is very very expensive so that the fuel-cell engine cannot be economically competitive. The reading material holds the statement that people will spent less money to operate a fuel-cell engine than operate an internal-combustion engine.

In the listening passage, the professor states(points out) three statements to hold her opinion that using hydrogen has some disadvantages and challange the points list in the reading passage.

lixiang8747

2月28日Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is more important to choose friends that could have fun with than to choose friends that will help you when you are in need.


There is no doubt that everyone needs friends, someone would like choose friends that could have fun with while someone prefer choose friends that will help them when they are in need. For my part, I agree with the latter opinion for the following reasons.

It is universally acknowledge that people cannot live in the society independly. Why do we need friends? The reason is that nothing is more important than get help from friends. Have fun with is a basic requirement to be a friend. for instance, the most difficult that I’ve ever had was when I prepare for the IBT. It become so hard for me since I’d never had a chance to talk in English for quite a long time. I was rather upset and almost lose heart. One of my friend saw me one day and he inspired me by saying that if I could’t overcome that task, how could I survive in the States and make my dream come ture. He suggested that I should make a well-orgnized plan to plan to devide my goal into several little parts,which are attractive and attainable. I gradually had a faith in conquering the difficulty. Hence this is the reason why I consider get help from friends is more important.

What is more, friends can share their happiness and funny things together when they help each other, For example, when I prepared my first interview to a company with my roomate, a good friend of mine, we went to shopping to buy suits and shoes, we prepared the questions that we may faced in the interview and went to the company together. Both of us were nervous and we talked funny story to each other so we can relax a little bit. It was really a period of happiness time in my life because I can fight with my friend and enjoy the process. Finally, both of us were aceepted by the company.

In addition, someone could have fun with does not mean that he could be defined as friend. It is apparent that some calssmates or workmates are very funny and make people around laugh all the time by talking some interesting story, but perhaps we do not know each other very much.

Above all, what personalities do we consider a friend should have? People may list a lot of such as have fun to be with, down to earth and get assist when trapped in trouble. Though they are all very important, I strongly believe that get help when I am in need is the most important one and this is the most efficient way to prove the truly friendship.

Crystaljoy

2月28日修改稿
Mr.Pig快要考试了，今天专门来瞅瞅你的作文，我这次很犀利的说（故意滴，看了N遍的结果，不过仍旧不保证我都是正确的）~  只是希望对你实战有点点帮助~  

There is no doubt that everyone needs friends（+to share joys and sorrows with in the process of growing up.  你说什么no doubt 就no doubt了？建议尽量论证完整，要么就narrow the scope to avoid absolutization）, （改. 否则两句之间没连词就是run-on sentence）someone would like(+to 这种低级错误你在口语中绝对不会犯，所以作文一定要给自己最后5分钟完整读一遍修改小语法拼写错误的时间，不要大改，来不及。) choose friends that could have fun with while someone（others） prefer choose friends that will help them when they are in need. For my part, I agree with the latter opinion（, that is to ........最好找个机会再把原文引用的那句paraphrase，否则前面就不要原文引用了直接自己表达。照抄是懒人做法，不管是综合还是独立考试都不要这么做。 ） for the following reasons.

It is universally acknowledge（acknowledged）that people cannot live in the society independly（independently）.Why do we need friends（+to keep company with感觉前后句跳跃太大，不独立≠要朋友，最好进一步解释清楚）? The reason is that nothing is more important than get（getting） help from friends （when stucking in touble）.(However, 前后跨越又很大，连词是最好的体现逻辑标志，建议多用)Have fun with is（having fun is only ） a basic requirement to be a friend. for(For)instance, the most difficult (time)that I’ve ever had was when I prepare(preparing共用一个主语I就好了。句子就像一棵大树，有一个主要的V作为主干了，其实可以用-ing/-ed做枝干)for the IBT（Toefl IBT这属于专有名词吧，就没法随意了）. It become（became） so hard for me since I’d never had a (any)chance to talk in English for quite a long time. (So) I was rather upset and almost lose（lost） heart. (Luckily, ) One of my friend saw me( my worry)one dayand he inspired me by saying that if I could’t overcome that task, how could I survive in the (United) States and make my dream come ture. He (also) suggested that I should make a well-orgnized planto planto devide(define) my goal into several little(small, discrete) parts, which are attractive and attainable.I gradually hada (had more control over my concrete tasks and developed more )faith in conquering the (overall) difficulty.  Hence this is the reason why I consider get（getting 后面不是有is做V了么，这geting help from friend做主语的. 这个错误全文多次犯，建议把动名词做主语的相关语法百度一下）help from friends is more important .（啊？这是你要在本段论证的结论么？这句只是你支持“人为什么要需要朋友”，因为得到帮助比孤军奋战好（以后比较句请表述完整）。结论句我们最好向回归大主题吧，即我们需要交什么样的朋友。）
而且这段论证的逻辑显得混乱。如果你考试时候一紧张思维混乱了，建议就按照“what---why---for example---conclusion”展开。

What is more, friends can share their happiness and funny things together when they help each other,（这个主题句并不能很好的支持大主题，也不能很好的总领下文。根据你的举例，我猜测你是想说 friends  can tide over all difficulties by supporting each other all along） For example, when I prepared (for) my first interview to a company with my roomate, a good friend of mine, we wentto shopping to buy (for动词累赘，如果不是很漂亮的动词就少用吧，英语用介词或者形容词也能表示中文的动词) suits and shoes, we prepared the questions that we may faced （may be asked 很多时候可以不那么强调主语吧）in the interview and went to the company together. Both of us were nervous and we talked funny story to each other so we can relax a little bit. ( Both of us talked many funny stories to lessen the extreme nervousness generated before entering the HR's office. ） It was really a period of happiness time in my life because I can fight with (compete  with你想笑死我么！) my friend and（meanwhile） enjoy the process.(这句和下一句调换位置，不然突现“竞争”有点突兀) Finally, both of us were aceepted by the company.  (从第二段，感觉你像是翻译中文，动词太多，and and 连了好多累赘的句子，而且是自得其乐地讲述，不顾读者感受。动词用的话多用那种后置的-ing/-ed 显得很厉害，多从读者的角度写，会更有说服力。）

In addition, someone could have fun with does not mean that he could be defined as friend. It is apparent that some calssmates or workmates are very funny and make people around laugh all the time by talking some interesting story, but perhaps we do not know each other very much.（前面有让步很好，使逻辑显得显密。但是这个理由也太弱了！可以perhaps大家互不了解，perhaps自己的快乐建立在别人痛苦上了，perhaps只是为了取悦你从不告诉你他的真实想法等等，反正是猜测，多摆几个，流畅就行。）

Above all, what personalities do we consider a friend should have? People may list a lot of （characteristics 列举的时候最好要么前面有个总起，要么后面有个总结）such as have fun to be with, down to earth and get assistwhen trapped in trouble.（such as 后面接N列举。你却用了动词词组+形容词词组+动词词组，还是动名词的问题，这次是作宾语。死记"位于主语和宾语的V要变成N"就对了。）Though they are all very important, I strongly believe that get（getting） help when I am in need is the most important one and this is the most efficient way to prove the truly (true) friendship.（也可以替换成一句话 A friend in need is a friend indeed.）

lixiang8747

谈谈我自己的问题，

1，最基本的时态，第二段出现几次错误，acknowledged,became,明明是讲过去的事情就是写成了一般现在时。

2，你讲的连词问题我觉得很对，不管是递进还是转折，尽量多加入一些，显得文章的逻辑性更好，而且不能出现run-on句型。

3，动名词问题，这个我会好好看一看，从来没学过语法，只是考g之前自己看着题找过感觉，这个问题现在只能人挡杀人了。

4，文章总体逻辑问题，这个问题我实在很头疼，其实这篇文章从想到写完用了2个多小时，就是想尽量少的出现问题，但是现在看问题还是很多，想了很久都不知道该怎么写这篇文章。我需要再看一看范文吧。也会按照你说的what---why---for example---conclusion这个形式去整理文章结构。
5，开头很重要，会按照你的意思尽量改写题目，不再照抄原文。

6，单词词性有时候出问题，最后一段true 写成truly。

lixiang8747

2月29日Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The most important problems in today’s world will be solved in our lifetime.

Technology and science have increased a lot in the past 100 years. Due to the changing, it brings so many problems such as enviroment pollution, endengerous of animals. Human being is now facing big challages from those problems. However, in my opinion, I believe that we can overcome the difficulties in our lifetime.

The most serious problem that we are facing and getting more terrible is the enviroment pollution. Due to the developing of the manufactory and the increasing number of the vehicle, Human is now burning aboundant of varieties fuel. This activity cause air and water are badly polluted by emmitions. Thus most area of the earth has been coverd by poison air and water even in the pollar of the planet. However, goverments and scientist are working on the problem. They uses many methods to reduce and slower the process. For example, many goverments sign an agreement to reduce the emission of carbon dioxide, a gas cause global warmer. What is more, engineers have developed the engine of vehicle to ruduse the emmition of harm gas. Due to the example and efforts I mentioned above, I believe the pollution problem can be solved in our lifetime.

Another serious problem is that many animals are becoming extinguish. The numbers of the animals are decreasing because of overhunting and expanding of the city and cultivation. However, people have many ways to save those animals. For example, there are lots of socisties have been established to protect the animal, they encorage more people to rufuse buying artificial ivory carving,not eating some endanger animals. Furthermore, secitists use gene techmology to save endanger animals, they help animal to reproduce and change their gene to help the animals become more strong and easily to adapt the enviroment they live. In my point of view, animals will live with human harmonize in the future and this chanllange will be overcomed by human in my lifetime.

On the other hand, there are still a lot of problems such as the traffic jam may become even worse. We have not find a way to balance the complicated situation. However, I think that human will find the method to solve all the problems.

Above all, there will be more and more problems coming out, it may harder to solve the problem than before. However, science and teconologh are changing all the time and we will find how to deal with the problemes and I believe that we can solve the problems in our lifetime.

Crystaljoy

2月29日修改
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The most important problems in today’s world will be solved in our lifetime.

Technology and science have increased(improved) a lot in the past 100 years.Due to the changing(有名词形式change), it (it指代不明。由于变化产生问题逻辑不顺。改为Such dramatic change also) brings so many problems such as enviroment (environmental 所有的environment都拼错了，下同) pollution,endengerous(endangerment名词形式)of animals (and so on so forth). Human being is now facing big challages(challenges) from those problems.(Those have been, so far, the biggest challenge to human being in today’s world. 注意点题，接着引出的自己的观点就更衔接了) However, in my opinion, I believe that we can overcome the(such 多用关联指代体现逻辑) difficulties in our lifetime.

The most serious problem that we are facing and getting more terrible（你这样写主语是we啊。删去吧） is the enviroment pollution. Due to thedeveloping（development 。在G的语法中有名词还用Ving就是错误的） of the manufactory and the increasing number of the vehicle, Human is now burningaboundant（abundant） of varieties（重复。要么abundant 充足的，感觉有点褒义呢；要么a variety of各种各样的） fuel. This activity cause air and water are badly polluted by emmitions(?). (这是几个句子？看V觉得句式杂糅了。The air and water are badly polluted by exhausts emitted.) Thus most area of the earth has been coverd(covered) by poison(N不能修饰后面的N)air and water even in the pollar（polar area） of the planet. (感觉这两个句子关系紧密，或许可以合并为一个Thus the contaminated air and water threaten to catastrophically poison our land even in polar areas.) However, goverments（government 全拼错。下同） and scientist are working on the problem. Theyuses（adopt。 用uses搭配不地道，还形式错误） many methods to reduce and slower the process. For example, many govermentssign an agreement to reduce the emission of carbon dioxide, a gascause（mainly responsible for 句式又杂糅了，分句怎么能用V原形呢？）global warmer. What is more, engineers have developed the engine of vehicle to ruduse（reduce）the emmition of harm gas. Due to the example and efforts I mentioned above, I （firmly）believe（that） the pollution problem can be solved in our lifetime.

Another serious problem is that many animals arebecoming extinguish（in danger of extinction）. The numbers of the（precious） animals are decreasing because of overhunting and expanding of the city and cultivation. However, people have many ways to save those animals. For example, there are lots of socisties（拼错。改为communities）have been（只有There be …… doing。删去吧。后面established作为后置定语可直接修饰前面名词的。）established to protect the animal, they encoragemore people to rufuse buying artificial ivory carving, not（or）eating someendanger（endangered N不能修饰N，要该成adj。下同） animals. Furthermore, secitists use genetechmologyto save endanger animals, they help animal to reproduce and change their gene to help the animals(them) become more strong and easily（easy） to adapt（to） the enviroment they live. In my point of view, animals will live with human harmonize（harmoniously  千万别乱用V，这样会造成句子G语法中的杂糅）in the future and this chanllange(which？)will be overcomed by human in my lifetime.

On the other hand,(没有on one hand 怎么能On the other hand 。改成 It’s true that) there are still a lot of problemssuch as（such as 接N列举。改成，for example，）the traffic jam may become even worse. We have not find（found 时态错误） a way to balance the complicated situation. However, I think that human will find the method to solve all the problems. （because what？ think没有说服力，在文中除了开头待论证时，以后尽量不要出现I think。这里再借机强调的你的主要论据最好了。）

Above all, there will be more and more problems coming out, it may harder to solve the problem than before.（above all 最重要的是。这里你不是自己攻击自己么？而且是will,不是might, 强烈自抽啊。Tough there might be more and more……删去后面however） However, science and teconologh are changing（improving 。change范围太大，可好可坏）all the time and we will find how（out proper methods） to deal with theproblemes（problems）and I believe that we can solve the problems in our lifetime. (重复啰嗦，可合并。)




老猪你这次写完认真检查了米有？敢被我找到这么多错词 。好吧，只当我玩了找茬游戏。你打字比较快，写完一定要检查啊！偶尔错一下的没关系。如果前后都错的词，ETS就很在意了，说明了基础不好。

这次结构比较好了，意思很清楚。但是句子太多问题了。
要谨慎用V。检查时候要看一个句子是不是就一个V，形式也要正确。
有N的就优先用N，不要再创造Ving。
除非是专有N词组你背过的，否则不要用N修饰N，要用adj修饰N。

开头结尾的写法再提升一下，可以prepare几句。

希望你考场超长发挥吧，字数先飚上去，思路写清晰，可以弥补一些语言的不足。但是考完建议把Manhattan语法看几遍吧，如果你想G也取得好成绩的话。

加油~ 我滚去做我浩瀚考试卷去了~

lixiang8747

又看了一遍你给改的两篇作文，煞费苦心，唉！努力争取g能上700再报答你一下

Crystaljoy

I'm here waiting for that