ESSEC网申essay第一稿，求拍砖

cynthiaai

他家题目比较怪，心里有点悬，发上来求指教。

题目：Describe an event that forced you to re-examine your personal or professional goals. (maximum 400 words)


There is actually no single event that let me change my career goal, but through a complex process. When choosing international studies as my major in college, my dream was to be a commentator or journalist on international relations. However, this dream turned out to be somehow naive, and lack of consideration in depth.
In college I learned gradually that international journalist or commentator is rather career of journalism than international relations. Among the famous international commentators in China, most of them do not have a related academic background. Moreover, comments on international news are never treated seriously by Chinese people-they just serve as dinner conversations. In public views, international relations are not like a professional field, but rather a national wide topic of conversation, or entertainment. Every taxi driver can talk to you for a non-stop 30 minutes on topics such as US hegemony, European debt crisis and post-Qaddafi Libya.
It is true what we learned would not help us to write claptraps on newspapers. Most of my classmates do not care about current international events, and neither do we learn about them in classes. Most time we pay more attention to histories rather than on-going things. Our future career path is also quite limited. Top practitioners of international relations are merely researchers, think tanks and government officers, none of which is a suitable career path for me, and organizations like political consulting company are not allowed to exist here.
Being aware of these facts, I began to rethink about my major. Essentially, international relations is a practical subject and serves for policy. Comparing to other social sciences, its theoretical foundation is rather weak. Core schools of international relations are actually derivations of history, economics and comparative politics. They are consumers of achievements on humanities and social science, not contributors. Explanatory power of these theories to the original cause of change in international structure is really weak. In China, the situation is even worse. No single valuable theory of our own has been created.
Even many famous scholars have to admit that foundation of international relations lies in internal affairs of each country, in their style of work and life, in their history, in their culture, in each company and each people, not in international structure or institutions. Without these micro foundations, one will never understand their behavior in the world. In other words, the essence of international relations lies out of international relation studies.
From then, I began to pay more attention to economics and business in China, which finally drove me to my current career goal.

本人国际政治背景，感觉这篇东西写得太偏本专业了，不知道商科背景的看完会有什么感想，求各位不吝赐教。

cynthiaai

自己顶一下

cynthiaai

没人么……

summer0802

个人感觉前面描述现实的东西太多了，可以压缩一些。然后突出自己的优势。  S：楼主申什么专业呀？

cynthiaai

个人感觉前面描述现实的东西太多了，可以压缩一些。然后突出自己的优势。  S：楼主申什么专业呀？

-- by 会员 summer0802 (2011/10/24 23:29:24)

申他家的master of management

windypig123

我觉得有点重心偏移呢 而且 人家说了一个event  就最好写一个。。＝＝

wyhvicky

Being aware of these facts, I began to rethink about my major.  being多余了
Comparing to other social sciences, its theoretical foundation is rather weak. comparing to应改为compared to

我个人意见：楼主用了很多篇幅来批驳international relationships的缥缈与在中国的窘境，怎么说呢，个人第一眼觉得很消极，是不是可以考虑写的更加积极一些，你学过international relationships是不是对你读商学院有一定的帮助呢，是不是因为你跨越了两个专业后你的所学到的东西会更综合，能够互补呢。

而且人家说一个event，看下来稍微有点琐碎。