求各路英雄帮忙修改essay第一稿，跪求点评

daydream122

初定的对于rochester的essay，求大家给点意见~~ 小弟在此鸣谢~


“You are good, but not enough”, said alwaysmy father, a man who started his business with merely CNY 1,000 but establishedhis own company. I, his boy, a fighter who never gives up, strived for the word“enough” from my childhood, and doubled my efforts when grown up for surpassingthe fruitful results my father had achieved. My big dream was born, helpingrealize the expansion of my family business to be an international listedcompany.

However, I am not a dreamer just waitingfor success but a warrior pursuing my achievements and realizing my goals stepby step. For gaining a foundation of theoretical knowledge, I chose Departmentof Finance in Shanghai University of Finance and Economics and struggled to be anexchange student in Taiwan. For helping make a better status of my father’scompany, I took the initiative to participate in different internships, findingweak points in my father’s company though analyzing companies’ operation statusas an assisted analyst in Datong Securities Co Ltd, acquiring practicalapproaches in financial controlling from Siemens China, and attempting to solvethose problems gradually though starting online sales, re-defining the dutiesof each department and recruiting new employees. For broadening my horizon inthe field of finance and expanding my social network to shorten the distancebetween my father’s company and listed corporations, I was determined to studyabroad and to begin my career as a financial analyst in investment bank.
Moreover, I am not an armchair warrior buta mighty man. Natural keen sense in data has helped me to keep ahead of otherstudents at the starting line, which was reflected in my top ranking ofmathematical study; a thinking head always brings me much creative thought inpractical application just like introducing Dividend Discount Model into thepricing of real estate to create constant growing rent discount model, which wasposted on a national publication; my excellent communication skills and prettymuch experience as leader often serve my teams access to satisfactory results—besidessuccessful performances as employee in Work-study Center, team leader of SummerSocial Practice Activity and leader of ASUS school promotion team, the projectreport is one of my best prides in which I set a mission schedule, communicatedwith all members to clear their merits, consulted some stuff in ICBC to graspsome senses in real banking, and prompt every member to make full play of theirabilities and to cooperate for better operation.
The first interest in Simonwas from the vice-president in UOB, who I admire a lot and has recommended me youresteemed school. After a careful and cautious information collection, because ofteam-study approach with which I will be given more practices in leadership andcooperation, because of small-sized educational experience which can provide memore interactions with fellow students and professors, and because of wellpublicity of Simon that must be an important step to my dream, I hope to standup and stand out in Simon.

daydream122

跪求指点！！！

candyb110

看完了不知道题目的人，表示很郁闷！！！！！！！！！！！

ansonchan

这个是申我们学校的么。。。表示好多上财的同学。。

jaswang0

文书小白一个，帮楼主顶一顶~

Maybejessica

写的很不错了，中规中矩。反正PS别人也是不会怎么看的，不求用功，但求无过吧

JASO

语言很不错。
但是结构是不是可以改进一下呢

gourmettsu

感觉语法还要在润色一下，中规中矩，我也是这个感觉。

JASO

感觉语法还要在润色一下，中规中矩，我也是这个感觉。

-- by 会员 gourmettsu (2011/10/12 9:44:15)

这个中规中矩？我觉得挺像PS的

liuxuanlihao

有点罗列的感觉，重点不是很突出