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我也弱弱发PS初稿上来, 求意见。 DIY真的不容易的啊~~

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楼主
发表于 2011-9-27 21:04:39 | 只看该作者 回帖奖励 |倒序浏览 |阅读模式
求大神意见啊。 我几天前写完初稿后再看着它我心里就莫名发慌啊发慌。 我主申marketing之类的~ 谢谢~~~~~~~~

I did notconsider applying for Business School until I rode a manpower tricycle(old-styled taxi) for business in summer 2009. Nevertheless, I found the righttrack of my life after this business experience. I must say that summer 2009 isone of the most vital turning points of my life.


Looking at mytranscript, you will find that my grades freshman year are quite different fromthose I got after summer 2009. After my poor performance in the CollegeEntrance Examination, I was completely lost my track of my life. After startingour own self-employed company riding the tricycle for business, I realized thatbusiness must be an essential part of my life and that communication is playinga key role in the business world. I have to confess that my cGPA freshman yearwas even lower than 3.0, but then I understood textbook knowledge is necessary.I began to study hard and go out to communicate with different people,including classmates from different provinces and teachers from various countries.My college, which carries out the four-year entire English teaching, recruitedmany instructors from different countries such as U.S., England, Ireland andFrance, providing a perfect environment for me to learn more about variouscultures and communication skills. After my endeavor, I bottomed up my cGPA sophomoreyear and junior year. Presentation, teamwork and communication have becomethree main key words of my college life.
Fortunately, Igrasped the opportunity to study in Minnesota, U.S. as an exchange student.This special experience helped me obtain more valuable knowledge aboutintercultural communication, which cannot be gained from textbooks. I got thechance to know many international students, and I travelled to New York City,Boston and Los Angles alone and lived in hostels so that I was able tocommunicate with travelers from diverse cultural backgrounds, pushing me to goa step further for my career plan.

My short-termcareer goal is to serve as an integrated marketing communication consultant toan overseas-invested enterprise or as a business consultant to a nonprofitagency, allowing me to further hone my communication and management skillswhile serving the community. What is more, this short-term goal can help meprepare for my long-term goal of starting an international business in thefield of integrated marketing communication. That is, becoming a greatentrepreneur is definitely my future career goal.

A XXX BusinessSchool Master of Marketing would provide me with internationally focusedmarketing, strategy, and communication education. I major in Public Relationsand Advertising now, and I believe that XXX’s emphasis on strategic marketingeducation fits well with my future career goal. In reality, I believe it wouldbe a mistake to limit my future possibilities too soon, and this is why I want aMaster of Marketing in XXX business school, which would broaden my knowledge ofbusiness and my horizons.
To sum, thecombination of my potential ability to study, special oversea study experience,cooperative spirits, communication skills and great education offered by XXXbusiness school will prepare me the great practical knowledge for my long-termcareer goal, which is to be an great entrepreneur and start an internationalenterprise in the field of integrated marketing communication.  
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沙发
发表于 2011-9-27 21:28:30 | 只看该作者
前半部分挺真实的,很不错,但后半部分套话太多了
板凳
 楼主| 发表于 2011-9-27 21:30:20 | 只看该作者
前半部分挺真实的,很不错,但后半部分套话太多了
-- by 会员 xht0812 (2011/9/27 21:28:30)



谢谢~ 其实我也觉得是后半部分乱七八糟。 各种虚啊假啊。、、、
地板
发表于 2011-9-27 21:40:57 | 只看该作者
没看出来LZ的高考失利和大一低GPA和大二大三奋发图强提高绩点,与申请MKT有啥联系。不停述说自己的考试失利只会令老美以为中国学生的大学生活是exam oriendted……

要写出LZ你为MKT做了什么准备,具备了什么符合的条件,哪些事情培养了你的biz sense神马的。
加油加油!
5#
 楼主| 发表于 2011-9-27 21:51:28 | 只看该作者
没看出来LZ的高考失利和大一低GPA和大二大三奋发图强提高绩点,与申请MKT有啥联系。不停述说自己的考试失利只会令老美以为中国学生的大学生活是exam oriendted……

要写出LZ你为MKT做了什么准备,具备了什么符合的条件,哪些事情培养了你的biz sense神马的。
加油加油!
-- by 会员 lkt1108 (2011/9/27 21:40:57)



soga~ 谢谢啦  受益良多~ 其实我只是想体现  我还是有那个potential ability的。 因为我大一的GPA跟后来的真的差了不少。...
6#
发表于 2011-9-27 21:57:57 | 只看该作者
没看出来LZ的高考失利和大一低GPA和大二大三奋发图强提高绩点,与申请MKT有啥联系。不停述说自己的考试失利只会令老美以为中国学生的大学生活是exam oriendted……

要写出LZ你为MKT做了什么准备,具备了什么符合的条件,哪些事情培养了你的biz sense神马的。
加油加油!
-- by 会员 lkt1108 (2011/9/27 21:40:57)





soga~ 谢谢啦  受益良多~ 其实我只是想体现  我还是有那个potential ability的。 因为我大一的GPA跟后来的真的差了不少。...
-- by 会员 leonjhz (2011/9/27 21:51:28)



不客气啦~其实我觉得你应该把你的Potential ability体现在你可以成为MKT的人才上面~其实你有交换背景,这点不错啊~~
7#
 楼主| 发表于 2011-9-27 22:07:39 | 只看该作者
没看出来LZ的高考失利和大一低GPA和大二大三奋发图强提高绩点,与申请MKT有啥联系。不停述说自己的考试失利只会令老美以为中国学生的大学生活是exam oriendted……

要写出LZ你为MKT做了什么准备,具备了什么符合的条件,哪些事情培养了你的biz sense神马的。
加油加油!
-- by 会员 lkt1108 (2011/9/27 21:40:57)






soga~ 谢谢啦  受益良多~ 其实我只是想体现  我还是有那个potential ability的。 因为我大一的GPA跟后来的真的差了不少。...
-- by 会员 leonjhz (2011/9/27 21:51:28)




不客气啦~其实我觉得你应该把你的Potential ability体现在你可以成为MKT的人才上面~其实你有交换背景,这点不错啊~~
-- by 会员 lkt1108 (2011/9/27 21:57:57)



恩恩  好~  谢谢你的意见啦. HOHO~ 改PS真是一件劳民伤财的事儿啊~
8#
发表于 2011-9-27 22:14:33 | 只看该作者
IKT1108好热心赞一个,说的很到位,我贴上PS这两天,也聆听了很多大牛和好心CDer的建议,虽然我也是PS菜鸟一枚,但是也发表下意见,楼主可以忽略啊,我感觉楼主的这篇跟我初稿很像,我刚开始写PS的时候,闭上眼睛一回想就是 这些奋斗的历史,但是根据大牛的说法,这些历史,未必好用,你自己感动,觉得有自己的心血,可人家可能不认可,没有说服力,另外一点,就像IKT说的, 你要看准学校的问题,一般会问,这个项目能怎么帮你实现你的career goal,你就要围绕问题来想内容,有时候我们以为PS就是真实的写出自己最想说的话,可能其实不该这样写,虽然有时想想自己最在乎的那些东西都被删掉还觉得眼泪汪汪的……,但是像ziye姐说的,要形成策略性的思考和逻辑结构。楼主加油,我也正在努力的改,回头改好再传上来让大牛们评论,哪怕哪位CDer有时间随便给的一个小评论,也可能对我有很大的启发,你到时候也来看看哈,大家都是DIY,互相帮助,互相加油。
9#
发表于 2011-9-27 22:23:13 | 只看该作者
在我看来,很多PS还是陷入中国学生文书写作的通病:相关性差,专业性思考不深入。


你所有的奋斗故事,都只能是一个背景,而不是就写故事来写故事,你的过去,要和现在与未来相关联。并且,为什么失败的经历就是高考,长期的规划就是创业呢?能够有新意,才能够有更好的机会。


别再提高考了,那只是四年前一个考试,你早已不一样。不要再提任何负面的或者甚至曾经负面的经历了,除非这个经历真的如此特殊,商学院要有成功潜质的人,一共就千字文章,不要花几百字讲失败的经历。

写现在,写专业思考深度,写职业准备过程,写最自豪的自己。

此外,除非你有明确的计划,否则别提创业。
10#
发表于 2011-9-27 22:24:21 | 只看该作者
此外,重中之重,一定一定一定一定一定要重视逻辑和结构!!!!!!上下文和段落之间,要有内在衔接。这是中国学生写作最大的问题,一定要一百二十分的注意克服。
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