第一次的issue,希望大家帮忙指点一下。

静谧盛开

各位大牛，我今晚终于写出了第一篇issue，很悲惨的超时了，差不多50分钟才写好，而且觉得字数很多又很啰嗦，自己看了一遍觉得真是内容很幼稚。现在斗胆把习作贴上来，拜托各位帮我看看思路，逻辑方面的问题。恳请大家赐教！
是第132篇。题目如下：
132.    “政府不应该对规范企业和其他组织负责。相反，如果组织自身承担建立和执行他们自己的标准和规范的责任，那么社会会得利。”
讨论你在何种程度上赞成或不赞成上述观点。从你自身的经验，观察和阅读给出相关的原因and/or例子来支持你的观点。

作文如下，真的很无聊很长。唉。

In the statement, the author asserts that it is not the government but rather the organizations themselves such as business shouldbe responsible for establishing and enforcing the standards and regulations for them. Actually it is a very complicated issue and I think the author makes an oversimplified claim. In my opinion , while it is necessary for the varieties of organizations to set specific rules and regulations , it is still crucial for the government to regulate and control the organizations if the whole society want to get more benefit . I base my view on several reasons.


Admittedly, I agree with the author that the different kind organizationsincluding companies, schools, hospitals and some non-profit organizations musttake responsibility for making and enforcing their own standards and regulations , therefore doing good to the society . Why say this is critical ? First ,it is obvious that the organizations know theirinner circumstances better than the government do . For instance , the principle of the primary school exactly know how the students perform on the lessons and activities in the school yard . In order to improve the quality of education , the school board need to make clear and strict rules and regulations that the students should obey . At the same time , the teachers also need to arrangethe teaching plan in accordance with the regulations made by the school leaders . What is more , from the empirical and experience we know that it is a hard task to set regulations . Generally , it takes lots of time and effortsto write the regulations before put the regulationsin front of the public andtest whether the regulations suit for most of the one-kind organization . Still , some organization will find it difficult or just impossible to enforce the standards and regulations because of the limited size , the shortage of money , the shortcomings in the working steps and the inability of the staff . If so , in fact such standards and regulations mean no sense .


However, it is not enough for the organizations to spare no effort to regulate their own management . Without the speculation and supervision of the government , there benumerous standards and regulations in the world and then make us feel unable to tell which one is best and which one should be enforced .So the ,marketplace and society will be really a mess and with no uniform regulations .As a matter of fact , when makethe standards and regulations , the organization, especially the business institution ,only consider its interest and profit and hardly think of the other similarorganizations or competitors . From the media , people are sometime told that a certain brandproduce mass of productsthat disobey or even violate the standards . Of course , if the government do not set a fixed and safe standard , it will not be easy to realize that the company do harm to the whole society .


In sum , the governments as well the organizations themselves should regulate the organizations in society . Only in this way can the general andspecific standards and regulations exit together , thereby makinga healthy environment and ensuring the people's lives .

静谧盛开

拜托好心人给点意见啊。

li43119

路过，鼓励一下

毛毛carina

小朋友~~附上英文原题~~

静谧盛开

居然忘了附上英文题目了，赶紧贴上来。
131.“Government should not be responsible for regulating businesses and other organizations. Instead , society would benefit if the organizations themselves  assumed most of the responsibility for estabishing and enforcing their own standards and regulations."
恳切姐姐指正！

毛毛carina

1， In my opinion 这里换种说法吧，太简单常见
2，it is ……的句型太多，单单第一段就已经4个了~~
3，中间两段的段落安排有点问题。如果不认真看，就会以为怎么支持自己观点的段落短过让步的段落？
    所以Admittedly这段把让步承认你反对的观点的理由写短点，然后支持自己观点的另起一段。因为你没有用一个很明显的转折词，不太容易看到你是如何反驳的。

4，上面第二段的结尾其实已经是用于反驳对方观点的了，这里第三段开头用个however？！ 所以这个however可以放到我上面说的地方去。然后这里顺着用个类似 in addition， the important reason that can be stated to support my view is that 这样的句子来承接就可以了。

静谧盛开

太谢谢姐姐的指点了。我也觉得用了好多it is 的句型，一会按照你的意见把文章再修改一下。因为之前没有列提纲写起来觉得思路不清楚，只是想到一点写一点，看来还是要提前把提纲想好。

毛毛carina

 平时多练习列列提纲，到考试的时候就自然而然有个固定的模式开始构思，那就顺着写下来，不需要另外花时间打草稿列提纲啦~~~

静谧盛开

恩，我最近写作文比以前好一点了，力求把每个分论点都说清，而且练习使用合适的关联词语表明文章层次。