作文求救（添加作文求修改）- 借人气宝地，请斑竹勿删

ibter

路过的牛牛帮帮忙

在下两次ibt作文只得了20和21（gmat作文4.5）
第一次只看了李笑来，然后上场随便发挥了20分
第二次研究了网上的一些6分sample，分了5段式写
1段，开头
2段，主要论点
3段，次要论点
4段，让步了一下
5段，总结
大概300字，但也是这么低。我怀疑是否我的文章有点跑题。
现在我想拿到26+的成绩，但是看了德克的猪斑竹修改的范文，似乎很强调hi-level词汇的使用，而李逵的范文又偏平民化的用词（理解不当请指正）
ETS的sample好像也以400字为主，但是有些用词很基本，有些用词稍微高级
所以不清楚到底哪种才是高分范文的标准，请各位牛牛指导，如果有什么方法可以迅速提高也请指教，我打算2周内再战
先谢谢了

most business people are motivated only by the desire of money





It is generally accepted that business people regard money as their energy source in all circumstances, I, as a sales, however, do not support this perspective. Money, by its nature, is indeed kind of resource for people to trade things necessary for living or others that improve ones’ living condition, as the old motto said “with money you could not do everything, but without money you can do nothing”. Although this motto does not stay true in every aspects, we can not ignore it either.



If we accept what the statement said, then another conclusion analogous to that would be probably correct as well - “ most people are motivated only be desire of money” . Just as the normal ones, business people are just ones who take sales as their career, thus the measurements for their success are defined as how much money they brought to the companies. However, we have no further evidence to attribute their motivation to money.



Our company, which runs upon the sales of high technology system products, has a respectable CEO, who always keeps charity in mind while the outsiders perceived her to be a typical business woman. In last year she donated our products to the red cross center, helping the center to organize their workers more efficiently for free which result in better service the center provide to the poor citizens. Total amount money of those products attained at 10% of our annual sales. I believe nobody upon this evidence would argue that our CEO is only driven by money.



On the other hand, we should dig deeper on this question – though it appears as if the business people put pursuing money in their first priority, is there other factors behind money that really cause them to move forward? Business people usually would rather take more responsibilities, since they know a lot of employees are accounting on them. If they fail to bring money back, who would pay the bills of the whole corporation and where comes the payment of other supporting coworkers. Hence, I would rather regard these commitments than money as the stimulus of business people.



All in all, pursuing money is kind of right deserved by everyone, thus it is not accurate to define it as the symbol of business people. The motivations I mentioned above are just partial, and I believe there are still a multitude of other reasons to motivate them.