第一次写Argument过程中发现许多问题，写出来请大大们指教

chuRiver

题目：

When the Apogee Company had all its operations in one location, it was more profitable than it is today. Therefore, the Apogee Company should close down its field offices and conduct all its operations from a single location. Such centralization would improve profitability by cutting costs and helping the company maintain better supervision of all employees.”

就是认为AC这家公司应该关闭它的分店/驻外分支。
黑色为模板，蓝色为我填进去的内容
首先写起始段：

The conclusion endorsed in the argument isthat the Apogee Company should close down its field offices and conduct all itsoperations from a simple location. Several reasons are offered in support ofthe conclusion. First of all, the author points out that AC was more profitablewhen it had all its operations in one location that it is today. In addition,the author reasons that centralization would improve profitability by cuttingcosts and helping the company maintain better supervision of all employees. Atfirst glance the argument appears to be somewhat convincing, but further reflectionreveals that the conclusion is based on some dubious assumptions and thereasoning is biased due to the inadequacy and partiality in the nature of theevidence provided to support the conclusion. A careful examination would reviewhow groundless this argument is.
然后写三段式：
这里我找的三个fallacy是：1、all tihings are equal。 2、因果关系错误。3、忽略他因。第3条是在其他地方看到的，七宗罪里没有，看网上的解释，似乎包含在“因果关系错误”这一罪里。但我是从两个不同方面阐述这两者的，这样
（将一个fallacy与在其范围之内的更小的fallacy并列讲）有没有问题？另一方面，可以看到，三段论里蓝色字部分，也就是我自己填充的部分，相对整体来说比例是很少的，除了最后一段是借鉴了网上其他的例文因此自己发挥的比较多。这样是不是不好？比如这个网址的例文，里面各段基本没有模板的套路语言，除了首句指出错误类型外，基本都是紧贴材料本身，就事论事。这样是不是更被prefer？

Firstly, the author makes a fallacy of"all things are equal". The fact that happenedwhen AC operated in one location is not a sound evidence to conclude that AC attoday should closed down its field offices. The author assumes withoutjustification that the background conditions have remained the same atdifferent times. It is not clear in this argument whether the currentconditions are the same as they used to be in the days when AC operated in onelocation. For example, the employees may become too many to be placed in onelocation. Thus it is impossible to conclude that AC should close down its fieldoffices.

Secondly, the author uses the positivecorrelation between AC operated in one location and it was more profitable toestablish causality. However, the fact that former event coincides with thelatter does not necessarily prove that the former caused the latter. There areother possible causal factors such as that AC was the bigger company in themarket of its product at that time or that the raw material was much moreinexpensive that it is now.

Last but not least, the author failed toaddress other factors that are important to a company's profitable. It is wellknown that cutting costs and maintaining good supervision of all employees aretwo approaches to maximization the profit, but they are not the only factors.Other factors such as the competitiveness of the product and the share of themarket should also be taken into consideration. If the subsequences of closingthe field offices are declining market share and outdated products, it will beimpossible to conclude that AC should close down its field offices.

最后收尾。我当初是按照“6fen shmilyqiqi的AA模版”背的，但写的时候我发现如果按照他的写，结尾要对前面提出的每一个fallacy给出一个大致的解决方案，太花时间，所以按照另一个简短的例文写了一个三行的。这样可以么？

To sum up, this argument is not persuasiveas it stands. Accordingly, the author is imprudent to claim that AC shouldclose down its field offices. If the author has considered other factors ofbecoming profitable for a company, the argument will be more convincing.

frieda030

你的首段太长了，这样容易被评低分的。。

datoulong

你的首段太长了，这样容易被评低分的。。

-- by 会员 frieda030 (2010/4/17 16:54:30)

我觉得还好啦

chuRiver

嗯，首段最后一大长句话还可以精简的。
这几天又写了七八篇，基本上有点感觉了，但还有些疑问：
模板中诸如"A is due to B"这些要用具体内容去替换A、B的句子，总会显得很繁琐，因为在原文中A、B通常是一大段话，如果直接拿过来塞进模板中，在频繁出现A、B的段落里会太臃肿。如果进行一下paraphrase，又要花一些思考时间。我现在写430词左右基本上就用完了30分钟，如果分时间在paraphrase上，就只能选择少写一些，就不到400词。
有好办法么？