[求助]练习Delta的作文~希望大家给些意见

浮水迹

It's unniversally and acknowledge that ehere are times when lying is acceptable. Some people maintain is right for the moder society. While others may no agree. From my personal angle alone the former point conincides with mine.
  On the one hand, everthing has two face in our life, either is lying.Because some time lying not only fail to hurt people but also can help people feel better for some bad things. For example, every children are like lovely animals and someting their parents would buy a pet for the child. when the pet's died, and the parents don't want to the child know about that bad news. Therefor, the parents will take a lie for their chlidren, that the pet go to a very interesting place where the pet can live with it parents.When the children know about that they would feel it's a happiness things for their pet and they can never feel sad. In this way, I think sometime the lying is acceptable.
  On the other hand, some lying in order to deceit for people, while the kind lying in order to love for people. Maybe we all have such experience, when we was young, our parents often warning that if we playing outside still the minight, we will be eated by the wolf. We will believe that is true because of we are too young in that time. However when we grown up, and we listend this lying again, we can understand that this is because of the parents love for us.
  When we grown up, we have our own career. Maybe we will have some trouble sometime. But we don't want to our parents know about this when we talk to eachother. I think this in order to love, just like an famous saying" the world maybe you are just one person, but to someone who loves you, you are the world."
  In conclusion, I agree with the statement that there are times when lying is acceptable. I imagine paradise to be a place where the lie are all acceptable for people, and no people to feel sad.
 

自从准备考试以来，一直也没认真写过几次大作文，这回练习了一下！但不知道到底是属于什么水平？希望大家浏览后能给出些建议和评价，在此谢谢大家的帮助~~

同时祝福所有在CD上潜水的同行们，在IBT中取得更好的成绩！大家一起努力~~~

sunny0928

首先我认为开头过于简单，some people....,WHILE   是，号不是。

amorela

While others may no agree 这个用法好奇怪,直接说disagree不就可以了吗? 而且也该是not 而非 no吧.

From my personal angle alone 既然有了personal为什么还要alone?

It's unniversally and acknowledge that 这里unniversally是adv. acknowledge是v. 难道副词可以和动词并列? 从未听说过这种用法.

everthing has two face in our life.. face是可属名词,表示复数,为什么不加s?

every children, children是复数,怎么可以用every去修饰啊?  而且后来还用are... 要么是every child is..要么是all/most children are

someting their parents would buy a pet for the child. 这句表达的不清楚,后面突然又出现一个bad news,实在不知道bad news for what?

the parents will take a lie for their chlidren, that the pet go to 这里只能用which而不能用that, 因为前面有了逗号,怎么可以再跟that引导的限定性定语从句啊.

a happiness things 这里,happiness是名词,things也是名词,名词不可以这样修饰另一个名词,除非是固定搭配.为什么不用happy thing? 而且feel a thing这个搭配很奇怪.

and they can never feel sad. In this way, 这里they代指什么? children? parents? pets?

some lying, some后面跟可属名词,而可属名词怎么可以没有冠词修饰啊? 要么就不能直接用单熟.

to love for people, love后面为什么要跟for? LZ 查下字典吧.看有没有这种用法.

when we was young, WE WAS??

our parents often warning,前面是when时间状语从句,后面主语parents+非谓语动词warning, 那么这句话的动词在哪里啊?

we will be eated by the wolf, 前面是一个过去式的句子,这里属于从句部分,怎么能用will呢? 还有eat-ate-eaten. eated是什么?

We will believe that is true 这里都是在讲小时候的经历,怎么能用will? 难道小时候的自己将会在未来意识到这是真的?

because of we are too young in that time, because of后面跟名词或者简短的名词词组,怎么能跟从句呢? 而且,这里是讲过去发生的时候,怎么可以用are? 前面一会儿是过去时态度,一会儿又是将来时,现在又是一般时.好混乱啊.而且似乎是at that time吧.

However when we grown up... grow-grew-grown,这里用了过去完成时,可是却没有标志性的主动词have/had.

However when we grown up, and we listend this lying again, we can understand that this is because of the parents love for us.这句话,前面是过去完成式(grown,还没有have/had),后面是过去式(listened,单词还拼错了),主句却是一般现在时(can), 建议LZ把时态复习一下啦. because of的用法也是错的.love for是错的,直接是love sb

some trouble应该是some troubles

I think this in order to love 这里可以用becasue of反而不用了, in order to用在这里不好.似乎成了"我想,这是为了去做爱这件事情"的意思,不觉得很别扭吗?直接说 i think this is because of love "我想,这是因为爱"

just like an famous saying 这里just like这么口语化的词不要用在academic writing里.

I imagine paradise to be a place where the lie are all acceptable for people 这里paradise, a place, lie.哪个名词后面能跟复数的are啊.

不说内容,结构和论述怎么样了,单就这么多的基本语言问题,而且是每个句子里都可以扫一眼就看出的错误: 单词拼写错误,过去式和过去分词混淆,介词用法错误,时态的错误,句子结构的错误,从句与主语的引导词,还有谓语和非谓语动词的混淆,甚至最基本的单复数, 建议LZ MM去看一下OG的范文和评分标准,练习的时候,这些语言错误先扫除掉,然后再去讲内容,结构和论述上的问题

[此贴子已经被作者于2008-3-9 3:11:16编辑过]

浮水迹

谢谢楼上的MM，真是不好意思，有那么多的低级错误~~

嘿嘿，谢谢帮忙改正~真是帮了很大的忙！

谢谢你！我会继续努力~~