作文求改，各位好心人请进

betterfuture

之前考过一次，作文27。总分不太够，再战。

不过这次没怎么准备，基本裸考，作文也好久没写了。这次卡着时间刚刚好写完，也没检查，大家帮忙指指问题吧。大家帮忙给改改中间两段吧，多谢Orz

It is better to do one thing at a time until finish it then turn to another than do more than one things at a time?

这是中间的两段和结尾（开头是模板）：

In the first place, let's take our attention on the premier perspective which states that we should do one thing at a time and

In the first place, let's take our attention on the premier perspective which states that we should do one thing at a time and then turn to another. This approach will really help us to devote all the energy on one thing, as well as focus all the outside material at the same time. Taking science research as a typical instance, since energy is limited, scientists nowadays have no alternative but to concentrate their limited energy on one research within a certain period of time, otherwise, their working period would be so long that other people would probably achieve the final result in advance. The fact that subjects are becoming more and more intricate just demonstrate that it is a trend that this world requires the capacity of doing one thing at a time in order to avoid energy dissipation. 

On the other hand, with the tremendous speed of the modern world, there are growing opportunities appeared in front of us. However, just as the saying goes: "Time waits for no man". If we always do things one by one and permit no interrupt at all, we would lose a fair proportion of chances. Also, some tasks really demand us to complete a serious work at the same time. For instance, IBT preparition, which includes listenning, speaking, reading and writing, requires us to prepare for them at the same time. Lacking any part of them, we cannot obtain high marks in the test. Therefore, the ability of doing a serious of things simultaneously is no doubt of great significant. 

In sum, based on the demonstration above, it is partial to say that either do one thing or do many things at the same time is better, since both are essential capability that this modern world calls for and hence training ourselves on both aspects is necessary, as well as promising.

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-7-18 22:54:56编辑过]

houjing8512

作文27是高分,楼主的作文水平应该很好了。这样还要指问题，简直让我这菜鸟汗颜啊。

看了一段，有些地方似不太妥当，不知说得对不对。如果说错，楼主见谅。当作大家互相讨论、进步。

In the first place, let's take our attention(pay our attention?) on the premier (premier好像隐含有首要，最重要的意思，the most important,我觉得就用former是否就可以了？)perspective which states that we should do one thing at a time and then turn to another. This approach will really help us to devote all the energy on one thing, as well as focus (focus 好像总跟on在一起，改成focus on会否更顺口？)all the outside material at the same time. Taking science research as a typical instance, since energy is limited, scientists nowadays have no alternative but to concentrate their limited energy on one research within a certain period of time, otherwise, their working period would be so long that other people would probably achieve the final result in advance. The fact that subjects are becoming more and more intricate just demonstrate that it is a trend that this world requires the capacity of doing one thing at a time in order to avoid energy dissipation. (As the scientific subjects are becoming increasingly intricate, it is a trend that capacity of doing one thing at a time is required to avoid energy dissipation.最后这句我觉得有点绕口，换了个简单句子。不敢说比你原来句子好。只是觉得如果简单句能把意思表述清楚，能否不用那么复杂的长句？个人观点，欢迎批评指正)

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-7-19 0:02:38编辑过]

德克的猪

 

In the first place, let's(let us简略写法全部拆开) take(focus貌似好点) our attention on the premier perspective which states that we should do one thing at a time and then turn to another. This approach will really help us to devote all the energy on one thing, as well as focus all the outside material at the same time. Taking science research as a typical instance, since energy is limited, scientists nowadays(currently) have no alternative but to concentrate their limited energy on one research within a certain period of time, otherwise(otherwise是一个副词,是不可以用来连接两个句子的,however也是这样的), their working period would be so long that other people would probably achieve the final result in advance. The fact that subjects are becoming more and more intricate(intricate这个词在这里用得特别的恰当,它表示一个大的subject有很多的small parts和details构成) just demonstrate that it is a trend that this world requires the capacity of doing one thing at a time in order to avoid energy dissipation(这个词用不太恰当,dissipation是指挥霍浪费的意思,在把精力用在别的subjects上,虽然不明智,但是也不能算dissipation吧.和energy的固定搭配是expend,所以这里可以说futile expense,就是我们说的无用功). 

 

On the other hand, with the tremendous speed of the modern world, there are growing opportunities appeared in front of us. However, just as the saying goes: "Time waits for no man". If we always do things one by one and permit no interrupt at all, we would lose a fair(这个词用在这里是什么意思?) proportion of chances. Also, some tasks really(重复了) demand us to complete a serious work at the same time(simultaneously还有一个同意词是concurrently). For instance, the IBT preparation, which includes listenning, speaking, reading and writing, requires us to prepare for them at the same time. Lacking any part of them, we cannot obtain high marks in the test. Therefore, the ability of doing a serious of things simultaneously is no doubt of great significant(虽然我不赞成中立的写法,但是这个例子还是蛮好的.). 

 

In sum, based on the demonstration(复数) above, it is partial to say that either do one thing or do many things at the same time is better, since both are essential capability that this modern world calls for and hence training ourselves on both aspects is necessary, as well as promising.

 

我还是不赞成中立的写作方法.

yumihooo

In the first place, let's(let us) take our attention on(take attention on? that's weird... pay/turn/draw attention to is fine) the premier(former) perspective which states that we should do one thing at a time and then turn to another. This approach will really help us to(help someone do something is just fine. help someone to do something is démodé) devote all the energy on(devote somebody to OR dedicate something to, so you should choose either devote ourselves to OR dedicate all the energy to) one thing, as well as focus (on) all the outside material(what's outside material?? I didn't get it...) at the same time. Taking(Take) science research as a typical instance,(There should be a period instead of a comma.) since(Since) energy (resources)  is(are) limited, scientists nowadays have no alternative but to concentrate their limited energy on one research within a certain period of time, otherwise(otherwise is an adverb, you cannot use an adverb to connect two sentences), their working period would be so long that other people(who is other people?) would probably achieve the final result in advance. (Take science research for a typical instance. Since the world is in short of many kinds of energy resources, scientists are trying their best to make full use of the resources, which means they have no option but to tackle one problem at a time, or it is next to impossible to achieve the goals they have planned.) The fact that subjects are becoming more and more intricate just demonstrate(s) that it is a trend that this world requires the capacity of doing one thing at a time in order to avoid energy dissipation. 

On the other hand, with the tremendous speed(Good word!) of the modern world, there are growing opportunities appeared in front of us. However, just as the saying goes: "Time waits for no man". If we always do things one by one and permit no interrupt(interruption) at all, we would lose a fair proportion of chances. Also, some tasks really demand (objects cannot demand anything. try require) us to complete a serious(C'mon, dude, it's "series"!!) work at the same time. For instance, (the) IBT(iBT...) preparition(preparation), which includes listenning, speaking, reading and writing, requires us to prepare for them at the same time.(Try to express the same idea without using the same words. You can say "And, preparing the TOEFL iBT is the exact same situation where we have to study listening, speaking, reading and writing in a row.") Lacking any part of them, we cannot obtain high marks in the test. Therefore, the ability of doing a serious(SERIES!!!) of things simultaneously is no doubt of great significant. 

In sum, based on the demonstration(s) (gave/showed/listed) above, it is partial to say that either do one thing or do many things at the same time is better, since both are (the) essential capability(capabilities) that this modern world calls for and hence training ourselves on both aspects("respects" is more frequently used) is necessary, as well as promising.

Advices:

1. Your logic is good enough. But I think you do need to make your sentence structure more complex, and by that, I don't mean you need to write long sentences. On the contrary, short but meaningful sentences are advisable.

2. I believe you will have time to check your typing mistakes while you are taking the real test, so, just pay more attention to the mis-spelled words. You can type a word in a wrong way, but you cannot do it in another way. i.e., it is okay if you type "serirs/seriws/serios" instead of "series", but you cannot make it "serious".

3. It seems that you are not dealing with prepositions very well, adverbs either.

4. You used a lot of fantastic words, as well as phrases, good. Keep on doing that!

5. Pay more attention to the verbs. Make yourself cleared with them, so you will know which can be used to describe an object and which can be used to describe a person.

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-7-19 10:14:59编辑过]

betterfuture

Thank all of you for your kind instruction